so...i'm sad ...again. yea...i'm not even lying.  i dont' know what it is though. ok..i do. that time i lied. mike's leaving for pennsylvania tomorrow. i mean...he's coming back. he's only gonna be gone for like...a week and a half...or two. but still...he's not gonna be here. and i just feel like he's not gonna come back. anything could happen and he's just not gonna come back. either, he realizes how much he missed it up there or...he's gonna rekindle a relationship with an old girlfriend...or...something worse. something i don't even want to think about. i don't want any of it to happen. it just seems like something that would happen. chris left me. back last year. last new years. well... i think it was a few days before new year's but..still. i was gonna give him a chance after break. when we got back to school we were gonna try again. and...he called...and...he was in tennessee...on his way back to missouri. to live. he said he wasn't coming back. and he didn't. not until i moved on anyways. david left. i mean, he went to college. i still got to see him every now and then..but..he still left. and mike's going to pennsylvania. i just...don't want to lose him. i didn't want to lose any of them. if i had it my way...i'd prolly still be with chris. or david. i don't know. maybe not. i don't know what i woulda done. i know if chris woulda stayed...i probably would have gotten back with him. mmhmm. then i wouldn't have met david..and then prolly wouldn't have met mike. so i guess it worked for the best right? so what if the best would be for mike to stay up there? :( no...i dont want that. like...at all. i couldnt' handle that. at all. i'd go back to cutting everyday. i really want to cut right now. i might cut before the night's over...but...i dont know. i was looking at my arms today in the car with mike...and the scars...they're horrible. their are like..1 or 2 that i know aren't going away. :( makes me wish i never woulda started cutting in the first place. coping method..right? f*ck that.

i have the chance to go to college of charelston. i'm really thinking about it. they even have study abroad. i could go to england for a semester. i've always wanted to go there. it'd be my one chance. maybe there i'll find what has been missing. maybe that's where the missing link is. no, i'm prolly fooling myself with that. it even sounds silly. i mean, come on right, the emptiness inside of me will be found when i go to england. right..ok. whatever. i'm fooling myself with everything. with mike, with my schooling. i'll never be what i want. and i don't even know what that is exactly. i want to do so much. i was watching blink 182's new video today, not now, and i told mike..i said 'whatever i do with my life...i want to have as much fun as they did'. fooling myself with that too right? thought so. i think that's what brought me down in the first place. i'll never have that much fun. because...i'm not gonna get a job that awesome. i'm gonna get some lame job. or either...i'm gonna miraculously get good in math and i'm gonna become a big shot accountant up in new york. at 40 i'm gonna realize that my life as an accountant was a waste. that i really did nothing. it's gonna be like a movie. my movie. but ...by that time its gonna be too late. *sigh* i hate life at moments like these.

i didn't get to hang with mike much today. he's having his band over. so...that doesn't include me. he invited me over but...the polite thing was to say no. it's guys night. i respect that...i guess. whatever.

i'm gonna go. not sure what i'm gonna go do. but...i'm gonna go.

i shouldnt' even be sad. christmas is in 4 days. time to cheer up brittney.