sooo..yea. that last entry was written because of something mike said. he doesn't agree with my beliefs...or lack there of. whatever though. i'm over that. cause..mike..is terrific.

so..i feel like ****, i look like ****, and i want to beat the **** outta someone. girr. it's just an ucky day. it's rainy. and i hate it when it's rainy. cause it makes me feel blah. and blah is not good compared to how i want to feel.

this weekend was great. friday me and mike went to old mcdonalds fish camp. mmmm...shrimp. and ....:) mike. he's pretty much awesome. he completes me...haha. *sigh* yea. you know...i wouldn't mind falling in love with him. i don't want it to happen now. i want it to take time. you know...grow to love him. i care an awfully lot about him. he's wonderful. ok..so we aren't gonna agree on things. but...its ok. it really is. cause...i'm willing to make it work with him. i always told myself...david isn't the one i'm going to marry. he isn't the one. i knew he wasn't. but....mike. i dont' even love him..yet...i'd love it if he were the one. i'd wish upon a star that he was. he is that amazing. and...wow. yea.

so...the other day...i realized that..i loved chris more than david. chris was it. he was my first true love. me and chris had something more than me and david. i think david was just a guy i picked out to make me forget about chris. cause..when i was with david..i did forget about chris. which is a good thing i guess. (that's not what mike's for though..ok?) david shouldn't have fallen in love with me. things would've been a lot easier. he should've not said i love you so soon. not until he was sure. i shouldn't have said it either. blah. oh well i guess. i broke his heart. i'm done with him. and even when i say that..i dont believe it. i dont want to talk to him..i hate him. yet..when he ims me or something...i talk to him. not friendly talk. i'm nice..but i keep it short and simple. and i really dont want anything to do with him.

so...i haven't cut in awhile. :) like...uh...2 weeks? maybe. i don't know. it's been awhile i know for sure. let me think. i can figure it out.wow..um...4 weeks i think. i'm almost positive it's been 4 weeks. the last ones were on my ankle. hmmm..i'm doing great. i resisted urges like no other last night. they were horrid. i kept telling myself to do other stuff to keep myself from doing it. so...i didnt do it. and now..i feel great about that.

you know...mike has saved my life. without him, i'd still be cutting..everynight. i probably wouldn't attempted suicide. i told him he saved my life...but i dont think he really believes me. i was going downhill really fast. faster than fast. and he caught me. i owe him a lot. there's a reason he moved down here. other than a job. there has to be a reason. to meet me? but who did this? God? if he exists then i guess it was him. but...i don't know if he exists or not. so...therefore i don't know if it was him or not. so...yea.

well..i'm in school (cause that's the only time i really get to write here) and the bell's gonna ring soon. so...i guess i'll write again tomorrow. maybe. maybe not. depends. i may even write more tonight. because uh...i may try to come in here during horticulture. :)

bye everyone.