sometimes life does really throw you curve balls. unexpected curve balls.

me and david broke up last night. or...maybe how he's putting it..i broke up with him last night. i wasn't going to just yet. i was going to wait. but...he asked me if i loved him and i couldn't lie. i wanted to lie. i wanted to say 'yes david..i do'. but...then next week when i did break up with him, it would've been so much worse. he asked me if i liked someone else. i told him i sorta liked mike. i didn't tell him i cheated on him. i should have. but i didn't. mitch thinks i broke up with him just because i cheated on him. haley is straightening that out as i type. i'm at school right now. by the way. i didn't feel like being in horticulture, so i told mr. bland i needed to write a paper. he took it. so...now i'm here. blogging it up. i tried to get on myspace but for some reason...it's not allowed. "access denied!" is what i get. dumb people.

i cut last night. twice. up the street. not too bad. i cut another small cut just to bleed. my arm is looking ridiculous. my forearm i mean. it really is.  i hate to see it. i'd freak if anyone else saw it. i guess that's another reason i'm in here. daryl checks me everyday for new cuts. i didn't want him to see the ones from last night. sooner or later...i need to get help. i think that's what mike's for. to help me. i don't know. with him not around all the time, he's not helping.  but...i can't blame him on that. geez. he's 23 and has a job. and has stuff to do when he gets home. so i should understand if anything. and i do. i guess. i just..i don't want to be alone. i don't want him to desert me. i can't be alone right now. it's not good when i'm alone. i get sad. and i have the urge to cut. and 9 times out of 9...i act upon it. :(  mike does make me happy though. i think about him and find myself smiling. which is a good thing. then i feel bad for smiling. because i'm supposed to be mopey for breaking up with david. but i'm not. i feel bad. but only because he's so terribly hurt. and upset. he sent haley a text telling her that he just wishes i would love him again. that made me feel bad. :( but i can't help the way i feel. it happens. **** like this happens. and it always happens to me. every single time. it makes me think that there's something wrong with me. and that i'll never fully love anyone. or either i'm fooling myself. and i never really loved in the first place.

i don't want to love anymore. love is an excuse to get hurt and to hurt. bright eyes said that. whichever guy wrote it...was telling the truth. that's all love is. and all love will ever be. if it's real that is. which. i guess...it has to be real. people are in love. or...are they just fooling themselves? i think they are fooling themselves. this is all just a bad dream. and one day we'll wake up. that day is when we die. either we'll wake up and go to heaven. or wake up and go to a nightmare. hell.

God's another issue. real..or not? how am i supposed to know? and how do people know? does he come down and tell them he's real? does he do some spectacular thing for them? is that why they believe? look. whatever. i'm tired of debating this. and ...i don't like the keyboard i'm typing on. its gay.

bye.