so yea...i'm pretty much a horrible person. i kissed matt paulette today.  i feel horrible about it. absolutely dreadful. but i'm not gonna say anything to him. i'm not gonna tell him. and i mean, i didn't make out with matt...it was just a pop kiss. but still...i feel so horrible about it. i love david. i do. i don't know why i did it. but..i hate myself for it. guess..i need to cut. i need to punish myself.

you know...i hate that i gave away my razors. that ******* pisses me off. i need them. i need them now. i'm just too scared to use a knife. i don't want to die...i just want to see some blood.

jackpot. went outside..to the shed. plundered through my dad's utilities. a pack of razors. beautiful. sharp ass razors. barely pressed down...blood is running down my arm as i type. clean up.

so yea...after that..i feel a little better...yet..a little scared. what if i get really really sad...and cut hard...i'll ******* kill myself. i don't want to die. just bleed.and no hospital. gosh..if someone found out..i'd wow...be in so much trouble. yikes. geezus.

i really need to quit this whole cutting thing. it's out of hand. it wasn't...once i got rid of the blades. now i got more. F*CK!!!!! i hate me. i f*cking hate myself. i should just kill myself now. just get it over with. f*ck. f*ck.

i f*cking hate me. i would deserve to die.