i wish i had the want to write in this more. alas...i dont. and i have no idea why. i mean,  i ponder a lot of things. i think a tremendous amount...but i guess its either not that important, or rather i'm too lazy to type it all in here. which is weird..because i like to type. its easier for me to type my feelings out. but i think some of it is that...my  mind is so cluttered..that i just feel everything will come out a complete mess and i'll probably end up screwing myself over. something like that anyways.

i was lying with mike tonight...something we dont get to do often because either he's running around or...well...we're running around. especially with the new puppy. she keeps us on our toes. but...we got a chance while she was asleep. so we layed there and talked. i had a conversation within myself...like i always do. i thought :

am i really ready to settle down?

and is it okay for me to think that?

at first i was pissed at myself for thinking that. but i realized it was okay. its natural to think that.

-I'm 18-

so i breathed and told myself that i am ready. cause...well...i am. i love mike. i cant go a day without seeing him. and if i do, it absolutely kills me. its probably good for me..but it kills me all the same.

and then i was thinking...18. i haven't experienced half the things he has. and i wonder to myself if this ever bothers him. i would understand if it did...but then hope that it wasn't much of a bother because that could put a strain on things.

my eyes dont' even know half of the things his eyes do. they haven't seen as much. they're young. innocent. or...are they innocent? i've seen a lot. i've seen the emotional && physical devastation of a tornado in my 4th grade year. i've seen the possessions that can be taken away by it. like homes and neighbors (R.I.P. PamHart) i've seen the strain it can put on parents trying to take care of their kids while trying to rebuild. i've seen the struggles of a long marriage. i've seen two towers fall with people still alive in them. an act of terrorism. mixing pleasure with others' pain.  i've then seen a president make a call of war (his hope) for wrong reasons. i've seen my dear brother leave for iraq my first year of highschool. and then him coming home the july before my 10th grade year, but not the same person. his face-body-mind=damaged permanently. bush's fault for sending him over there. i've went through mental and physical therapy with him. years later >>>still not the same. i've seen close ones die. i've seen 2 kids...murdered by their dad and then he turned the gun on himself. 1 of the kids my sweet mike taught. i've seen a fellow student...eyes sewn shut because the impact of the car crash was intense. i saw him in a casket. but it wasn't him. i cant say i knew him well...but i remember sharing the halls with him during middle school. i've seen a real heartbreak. my first <3 leaving me. not returning till i was otherwise tangled with another guy. another guy who happened to be as bad as the first. fell in love with me and left. ....i've seen enough. so...are my eyes innocent?

goodnight.

xoxo