you know. i think it was easier when i was depressed all of the time. back last year, when i was sad daily...and i cut...yeah...it was easier. i didn't have any worries. i cant believe i'm saying this but, i miss being depressed. but...i think i still am depressed. yeah..i'm in love and when i'm with him i'm happy. but...when i'm not with him, i just..mellow out majorly. i'm starting to think that if he ever did break up with me...i wouldn't survive it.  i know i'd cut. but...i might be tempted to kill myself. luckily...i dont have to worry about him breaking up with me. i know he loves me and i know he wouldn't do that.

the depression thing again. i think i'm just chemically depressed. there's an imbalance somewhere. or maybe...i analyze too much.

mike yelled at me last night. i was upset because...everyone's going to college in august. i didn't get into any of the colleges i wanted to go to. i'm not going to college in august. i'm going to tech school in january. and i was upset about it. and mike yelled at me. he told me i needed to stop being jealous of everyone else. i needed to stop trying to do what everyone else is doing and do what i want to do. just live life and be free. do my own thing. he told me i needed to stop trying to follow in other people's footsteps. and i mean, i guess he's right. i just..i dont know how to slowdown. i have no patience. i want everything to work out now. and i know i cant have it all work out now. i have to wait for it.

i hate being without mike. i thought a lot about marriage last night. and how much i want it. i'm willing to jump. i want to be with him forever. i guess..haha..i guess i have to wait for that too though. and i'm trying to rush it. which..you know, probably isn't a good thing. i should wait. it was 7 months sunday. this is officially the longest relationship i've been in. with chris it was 7 months off and on. so that doesnt count. me and mike are 7 months straight. i love that. i love him. i got so many butterflies yesterday. he kissed me this one time...and my heart dropped into my stomach and butterflies took over. it was the most incredible feeling in the the world. well...maybe not the most incredible..but it sure was at that moment. i love it when i get butterflies...still. after 7 months..he can kiss me and i get butterflies. that's incredible. i love him.

i dont know...maybe i'm just overthinking...maybe i just need to take a break...relax. i need to chill...relax...breathe..take a load off. i need to enjoy life. and i'm trying. but i need to try harder.

starting now.