i wanted to cut tonight. i still want to cut. just to feel it again. just to remember what it feels like. i'm trying hard to resist. which is why i'm writing i think. but what doesn't help..is knowing that i can just stop writing at any minute...grab my razor [which i still have] and cut away. i could do it. i know i'd be letting myself down though. and i'd be letting mike down. but i want to so bad. so incredibly bad. all i'd have to do is put on a sweater...or put on a wristband. or something. that's it. F*CK! why am i talking myself into it?!?! i should be talking myself out of it. what is wrong with me???

so i got up...got my razor...and i'm sitting back down. it's in a little black box that's labeled "stay out" and on the top it says "HVXIVG DRMWLD" which means secret window. cause my little black box is my secret window to escape. to escape anything i want at that moment in time. inside it has my rag that i use to clean up the blood with. it's stained with blood.  stained with a bare spot near the bottom that i could easily fill up with slight of hand. my razor is in there. on it you can see "made in USA". figures something made here is also something that you can use to harm yourself.

all i want is the feel of it. i know i'll regret it afterwards..but it may be worth it. i miss the pain. i miss the pleasure. i should maybe tell mike that i have the urge...but i dont want him to worry. cause he's busy. this urge comes. it comes and goes. i have it all the time. when i'm alone normally. or if someone says something about cutting..or self harm. then i think of cutting. i think of how i miss the way it feels. the rush i get when i see blood flow from my skin. i know that sounds deranged. if i never did it..and read something like this..i'd think the person was insane. i guess you just would have to have been there before.

i know i'll regret this if i do it. and i'll be starting over. but..i want it so bad. so incredibly bad.

i feel like i need it.