i wish i had the want to write in this more. alas...i dont. and i have no idea why. i mean,  i ponder a lot of things. i think a tremendous amount...but i guess its either not that important, or rather i'm too lazy to type it all in here. which is weird..because i like to type. its easier for me to type my feelings out. but i think some of it is that...my  mind is so cluttered..that i just feel everything will come out a complete mess and i'll probably end up screwing myself over. something like that anyways.

i was lying with mike tonight...something we dont get to do often because either he's running around or...well...we're running around. especially with the new puppy. she keeps us on our toes. but...we got a chance while she was asleep. so we layed there and talked. i had a conversation within myself...like i always do. i thought :

am i really ready to settle down?

and is it okay for me to think that?

at first i was pissed at myself for thinking that. but i realized it was okay. its natural to think that.

-I'm 18-

so i breathed and told myself that i am ready. cause...well...i am. i love mike. i cant go a day without seeing him. and if i do, it absolutely kills me. its probably good for me..but it kills me all the same.

and then i was thinking...18. i haven't experienced half the things he has. and i wonder to myself if this ever bothers him. i would understand if it did...but then hope that it wasn't much of a bother because that could put a strain on things.

my eyes dont' even know half of the things his eyes do. they haven't seen as much. they're young. innocent. or...are they innocent? i've seen a lot. i've seen the emotional && physical devastation of a tornado in my 4th grade year. i've seen the possessions that can be taken away by it. like homes and neighbors (R.I.P. PamHart) i've seen the strain it can put on parents trying to take care of their kids while trying to rebuild. i've seen the struggles of a long marriage. i've seen two towers fall with people still alive in them. an act of terrorism. mixing pleasure with others' pain.  i've then seen a president make a call of war (his hope) for wrong reasons. i've seen my dear brother leave for iraq my first year of highschool. and then him coming home the july before my 10th grade year, but not the same person. his face-body-mind=damaged permanently. bush's fault for sending him over there. i've went through mental and physical therapy with him. years later >>>still not the same. i've seen close ones die. i've seen 2 kids...murdered by their dad and then he turned the gun on himself. 1 of the kids my sweet mike taught. i've seen a fellow student...eyes sewn shut because the impact of the car crash was intense. i saw him in a casket. but it wasn't him. i cant say i knew him well...but i remember sharing the halls with him during middle school. i've seen a real heartbreak. my first <3 leaving me. not returning till i was otherwise tangled with another guy. another guy who happened to be as bad as the first. fell in love with me and left. ....i've seen enough. so...are my eyes innocent?

goodnight.

xoxo

this dog is driving me absolutely up the wall. granted..she's only like..8 weeks and i should've expected it..still. rawr to the max. she sleeps..till 6am. or 7am. she goes outside..does her stuff..comes in..and wants to play. i'm sorry..but at 6 or 7...i'm tired. thats sleep time. then after like..30 minutes..she'll settle back down and go back to sleep. until 9. after nine...its over. you're awake. oh look...now she sleeps. at 10:25am. when i'm awake..and over here drinking a Red Bull she decides to go to sleep. wtf is wrong with this picture? everything. geezus.

so <3Mike<3 is out of town. i miss him. terribly. he'll be back today. but still. *sad face* its weird how he can only be gone a day and a half...and i can miss him this bad.

***Crazy***

i haven't talked to him at all though. he doesnt have his cell phone because he lost it. so...i'm stuck not talking to him. rawr that's gay.

but yeah..i'm gonna go .    l-ater.

you know. i think it was easier when i was depressed all of the time. back last year, when i was sad daily...and i cut...yeah...it was easier. i didn't have any worries. i cant believe i'm saying this but, i miss being depressed. but...i think i still am depressed. yeah..i'm in love and when i'm with him i'm happy. but...when i'm not with him, i just..mellow out majorly. i'm starting to think that if he ever did break up with me...i wouldn't survive it.  i know i'd cut. but...i might be tempted to kill myself. luckily...i dont have to worry about him breaking up with me. i know he loves me and i know he wouldn't do that.

the depression thing again. i think i'm just chemically depressed. there's an imbalance somewhere. or maybe...i analyze too much.

mike yelled at me last night. i was upset because...everyone's going to college in august. i didn't get into any of the colleges i wanted to go to. i'm not going to college in august. i'm going to tech school in january. and i was upset about it. and mike yelled at me. he told me i needed to stop being jealous of everyone else. i needed to stop trying to do what everyone else is doing and do what i want to do. just live life and be free. do my own thing. he told me i needed to stop trying to follow in other people's footsteps. and i mean, i guess he's right. i just..i dont know how to slowdown. i have no patience. i want everything to work out now. and i know i cant have it all work out now. i have to wait for it.

i hate being without mike. i thought a lot about marriage last night. and how much i want it. i'm willing to jump. i want to be with him forever. i guess..haha..i guess i have to wait for that too though. and i'm trying to rush it. which..you know, probably isn't a good thing. i should wait. it was 7 months sunday. this is officially the longest relationship i've been in. with chris it was 7 months off and on. so that doesnt count. me and mike are 7 months straight. i love that. i love him. i got so many butterflies yesterday. he kissed me this one time...and my heart dropped into my stomach and butterflies took over. it was the most incredible feeling in the the world. well...maybe not the most incredible..but it sure was at that moment. i love it when i get butterflies...still. after 7 months..he can kiss me and i get butterflies. that's incredible. i love him.

i dont know...maybe i'm just overthinking...maybe i just need to take a break...relax. i need to chill...relax...breathe..take a load off. i need to enjoy life. and i'm trying. but i need to try harder.

starting now.

and i dont know why i dont. i just dont.

and now...now that i've gotten up from this entry and got something to eat. i feel like not writing anymore. :( somethings wrong with me.

i think i suffer from depression.

or something.

some days...i'm really really happy...then the next day or two i'm flat as a freshly paved road. i'm so down for those 1 or 2 days.

i dont get it. and nothing gets me down. i just wake up not as happy at all as the day before.

somethings wrong.

i think sometimes that i think too much. and that i worry about things too much.

i hate when i'm lying in bed at night and i'm super tired but very comfortable...then i have an itch. and i scratch it..and then that itch becomes another. then its really difficult to get comfortable again. then i'm awake...and thinking about everything. it happens to me a lot. and it causes me to lose sleep. which causes me to not sleep well when i get sleep. which then causes me to be super tired the next day. terrible.

so...i've been taking birth control for almost 2 weeks now...and i've noticed that its given me extra acne. which sucks. cause i never had bad acne...or visible acne really. and then this happens. i hate it. it makes me feel ugly and ashamed of my face.

...ok..i was just thinking..lol. yesterday before i went to mike's i was thinking "man, i hope he doesn't want sex..because i'm not feeling it right now" well...i thought it was a pretty funny thought to be thinking. anyways..i got to his house and luckily and apparently he sensed it and didnt try. a few hours later we were on the floor playing with the dog...and i looked at him and was thinking "wow...i want him...right now" i just wanted to jump on top of him and start making out with him. and i was just rethinking all of that just now and i realized...i love being that close to him. i love kissing him and being intimate with him. its incredible. and i love him so much. needless to say, when the dog finally gave up and went to sleep, he was lying on the floor and i went up to him and started making out with him. it all worked out for the best. :)

just thought i'd share that.

i'm going though. i have stuff i want to do now that i've sort of figured photoshop out.

or is that supposed to be question marks?

i mean..it's all just over. like that. the day i awaited arrived...and then was over. faster than i could say   "thank you."

it seems like all i can say now is

"was it worth it?"

i dont even know.

maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.

"Brittney, you are a highschool graduate. Highschool is over. You're supposed to smile.  Where is your smile???"

I dont know where my smile is. I dont know where that happiness that i'm supposed to have is. I just dont know. I'm happy, yeah, but...not because I graduated. I'm happy just because i'm in a good spot in life right now. I have a great boyfriend and I have the entire summer with him.  I have clothes on my back and a place to live. I have the necessities to be happy. So, why am I not happy nor sad about this graduation thing? I mean, yeah, i could see it if I was sad. At least I'd be showing some emotion towards it. But its like i have nothing to say about it.

Person 1: So, Brittney,  You finally did it!! How does it feel? :)

Me: ..........

i just dont know. i dont know what to say, so i lie and say

Fake Me: It feels great!!!!!

but i'm only lieing. because i have no idea what i feel about it. I feel empty about it. Like, it doesnt matter. But it should matter because it's a big accomplishment. I should be proud of myself because everyone else is proud of me. So, what does that mean? I'm not a good person...or...i dont have a heart?? What?

I'm just so confused on the subject. I guess maybe I expected more out of it. Like, I expected to feel different afterwards and I dont. I walked across the stage and felt great. But once I got back to my seat I just thought ...

"Is this it?"

"Was I really done?"

"This feeling is a let-down."

It wasn't a feeling of great accomplishment. And that's what graduating is. A great accomplishment.

I dont know my deal. I think i'm gonna talk to Mike about it.

I need someone to talk to about it.

Was It Worth It?

so...graduation practice today at 1.

my mum came in here earlier and asked me if i was excited. i mean..

i am..but i'm not gonna get over excited right now.

i want to be able to sleep tonight.

so yeah.

i'm pretty excited though i guess.

i am on my period..which makes it yukky.

tomorrow i'm gonna have to sit on the football field..

while i'm bleeding below.

and probably cramping along with it.

:(
yuk.

ew.

ow.

exactly.

i realized about 5 minutes ago that i miss mike. yeah..i saw him last night...but i still miss him. a lot. a whole lot. a whole whole lot. i'll see him tonight.

and i also realized that..

i want to go swimming.

i've been wanting to go swimming.

i guess alex's is out the picture.

he's a douchebag.

and i tried to make amends with him.

but it didnt' work.

at all.

he was a douche about it when he was at fault in the first place.

oh well i guess.

later.

jimmy eat world is smart. wise. they write well. this is the song on my mind right now.

Jimmy Eat World

     Work     

If you only once would let me
only just one time
then be happy with the consequence
with whatevers gonna happen tonight

don't think we're not serious
when is it ever not?
the love we make is give and its take
i'm game to play along

all i can say
i shouldn't say
can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time.

all the best dj's are saving
their slowest song for last
when the dance is through it's me and you
c'mon would it really be so bad?

the things we think might be the same
but i won't fight for more
it's just not me to wear it on my sleeve
count on that for sure

can't say i was never wrong
but some blame rests on you
work and play they're never ok
to mix the way we do

all i can say
i shouldn't say
can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time.
you wanna take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time.
yeah we still have time.

the song really means a lot to me. it probably wouldn't have had i not seen the video...but it does. the video has kids in highschool talking at the beginning of it. one girl says something about parents allowing them to make the same mistakes they did. because...you know..that's the only way we'll learn. is if we learn the hard way.

i dont write about sex on here. mainly because i've been scared my mum will find a way into this and then disown me for the rest of my life. or either be really "disappointed" in my actions of choice. i trusted in her once...and she totally went haywire on me. not again. i wont do it. honesty is not the best policy in that case. all i wanted was her guidance...not her lectures and disappointment. i understand sex is a big step...but its also my choice. not hers. not my dads. mine. yes. me and mike do have sex. we've been having sex for 4 months now. i think. round and bout. and yes. my choice. mine and his combined. if i wanted to give myself to him then that is most definately my choice. i love the way my heart soars when we're making love. i feel so much closer to him and more connected with him than i ever have with anyone. even david. and i had sex with david too. i never felt this connection with him. the difference? i'm in love with mike. whole-heartedly. i think david was lust. for sure he had to be. and i can certainly distinguish the differences between love and lust. clearly. cause..with mike..it's love. what i feel is indescribable. with david...it was lust. what i felt was...pleasure...in that whole of a second that we were intimate. sh*t ..i wouldn't even call it intimate. more like...entangled. i dont know. but what i'm saying is...i'm not making a mistake with mike. and even if it was, then itd be my mistake. not hers. she needs to chill and let me live my life...the way that i want to live it. point made.

in fact..it was. and it sucked horribly. i dreamed i was going to see three doors down and chiodos. no idea why they would be touring together..but i took it. anyways..i got to the place and somehow..immediately..i got VIP passes. incredible. so i take advantage of all the VIP sh*t. then i go to front row and i'm standing there and the music starts up and this guy (apparently my ride) grabs me and says.."its time to go" i'm like..hell no..i haven't seen chiodos yet. and he's like..just come outside..let me explain. so we go outside (VIP i was allowed to push my way through everyone back to the front and no one could touch me. that's how it went in my dreams) and he's like chiodos is playing at a different venue. no wonder it seemed weird they were playing together. he's like "chiodos is playing in NA in 2 hours. so lets go" so i go. i get to the chiodos show and push my way up front. and the ****tiest thing happened...i woke up before chiodos played. LAME!

anyways...yeah. lol. i dreamed that last night.

so...that's all i really feel like writing right now. later.

so..wednesday was the senior luncheon. that was fun. i actually thought i would have a terrible time. but i didn't. i had a blast honestly. it was a trip.

today was boring. i had nothing to do all day. so i read this book by dean koontz. its called velocity. it was insane. crazy. really really good though. i rather enjoyed. i forgot how much i actually enjoyed reading. i miss it. i miss getting lost in a world not known to me.  i miss it a lot. so i might pick up reading a lot again.

tomorrow is my last day. and i'm going in at 11:30.  so i'll only be there for a few hours. lunch and 2 classes. :-\  insane.

watch my life pass me by in the review mirror.

i love mike.

yes i do.

late.r

so...i'm having mixed feelings right now.

friday is my last day of school. period. well..high school.

the last day. i'll never go back to highschool.

except for graduation.

and the occassional visit..

but thats not what i mean.

after friday. i'm done with highschool.

i'm done with everything that involves highschool.

and that saddens and gladdens me.

i mean...i'm leaving everything i've known for 12 years.

i've went to school with these people for 12 years.

and now i'm leaving them.

and 99.9% of my friends are underclassmen.

which means...i wont see 99.9% of my friends hardly ever.

its hard to believe its almost over so soon.

i mean..i knew the day was coming.

but already?

its insane. very very insane and not right.

i dont know.  it is very exciting.

and i shouldn't look at it like its the end of the world.

cause its not...right?

its the beginning of another journey.

the end of one..and beginning of another.

so i should embrace it instead of being depressed over it.

yea..i'm gonna miss my friends...

but....it'll be ok.

i'll make new ones.

and if i really want to..then i'll keep in touch.

yes..exactly.

goodnight.

p.s. mike is the most amazing guy in the world.

music: arctic monkeys

so tonight..i was lying with mike...and i was thinking about how much i just love being with him. whether we're talking, not talking, sleeping, hanging with other people or if i'm watching him work. i love being with him. i love being around him. its incredible.

the first time i saw him..it's like..i knew. i got butterflies and stuff...but it was a different kind. not the normal kind. only then i was too scared to admit that. but...its true. i told him tonight why i didn't run when he told me he loved me for the first time. it was because...he seemed so nervous. he was hugging me, but couldnt keep still...and he all of a sudden, really fast was like "i love you brittney" i wanted to hit my knees..and i wanted to run. but...i didnt. i didnt because it was so sincere. i could feel the truth. i knew he wasn't lying. and...that's why i gave him a chance. and i'm glad he gave me time. i love him. its incredible.

me and brad were discussing the notebook today. he was wondering why it used to be "so sad" to me. i told him it was because then i thought that love like that was impossible to find. love like noah and ally's was miracle love. once in a lifetime love. rare love. i would always think to myself that i would never find what they had. never. that's why it made me so sad. because i wanted that love and i was afraid i would never find it.

only..i did. i found it when i wasnt even looking for it or expecting it.

and thats when the best love happens. when you're not looking. and you turn around all of a sudden and its a slap in the face. right across the face. and it hits you so hard you dont know if you want to push it away or embrace it. its so incredible and so overwhelming. and it takes over your whole body..and your whole life. thats the love i wish everyone could have. that's the love i always dreamed for and found...when i wasn't looking.

days like this...i love.

sometimes i can just look at mike..and be like "wow...he fell in love with me. he fell in love with me before i fell for him. and he waited for me to figure it out."

when i'm with him i get the most incredible feeling. like i'm on cloud nine.

its the most wonderful thing ever.

i wish everyone could find someone who makes them as happy as he makes me.

i wish everyone the best of luck in that.

i hate it when mike has to be responsible and work.

selfish?

you're d*mn straight.

i just...i know he has stuff to do.

but...i wanted to celebrate tonight.

i get to exempt all of my exams.

this is my last week of school.

i passed a french quiz today with a 98.

i want to celebrate.

cause i'm done.

i'm finished.

and i wanted to see him tonight.

i wanted to go out to eat.

and celebrate.

ruby tuesdays would've been nice.

*sigh*

whatever.

i'm gonna go ....cry.

like a little selfish b*tch.

cause that's what i am.

and for that...i hate myself.

hate me so you can finally see whats good for you....

yeah. so...last night was fun. well..yesterday. seven last words played at mossy creek elementary. :) they did really good. i ran merch..well..for awhile.

**pause**
i just had like...a.d.d. or something..but i totally stopped writing and went off track. i was thinking of yesterday when Temporary Solution was doing their sound check, Mike pulled me up and started dancing with me. well..i took it a step further in this daydream i just had. lol. _*daydream*_ it was a bigger crowd, and he pulled me out and started dancing. Warren comes down and comes up to us singing and he holds the microphone at mike's mouth. mike stops dancing, gets down on one knee and tells me that he loves me more than anything. and he does his sweet way with words. and then he said "brittney, will you be mine forever? will you be my wife forever? will you marry me, forever?"

*speechless*   .."yes!"

_*end of daydream*_

damn. what a great daydream. geeez.

ok that was fun.

i'm gonna go though. i'm waiting for mike to call or something because he has to take me out to go get my mum something for mother's day.

later.

i went to the health department today. that was an interesting experience. a lady checked out my vagina and felt me up. lol. or something like that. it was fine though. i mean..for my first time, i wasn't freaked out or anything. it was a little awkward i mean, come on..its some stranger looking at your vagina. of course its gonna be a little awkward. but..i was ok.

today was me and and mike's 6 months. :) how exciting is that?!?

super exciting i think.

i didn't get to see him today though. that was sort of sad. i wish i could've. he had some teacher dinner thing. important. i guess. i dont know. he said he had to be there. so i believe him.

30 seconds to mars is a really good band. i really really like their songs. my favorite i think is "from yesterday" i like it a lot a lot.

i used to paint my nails black like..everynight. i haven't had them black in a long time. i just painted them though. so i'm gonna leave them black for awhile again. i like them black. it looks good on my hands. lol. and i'm gonna dress nifty tomorrow. short jean skirt, black ac/dc shirt, jelly bracelets, wristband, checkered vans, black headband thing i wear a lot, and cool makeup. i'm gonna look nifty. oh yes. very nifty. niftier than anyone at my school. geez. i should've been voted most awesome. or most different. or most nifty. or coolest dresser. or something. most unique. yes..that's it.

ce told me today that i should've been voted best eyes. i thought that was very sweet of him considering he's a douchebag and a half. [[who i used to have a crush on but dont any more because is a douchebag and a half]] yuk. i cant believe i used to like him. i almost want to deny it. and probably would if someone came up to me and asked at school. i'd laugh and them and be like "what in the world are you talking about?" yeah..i could play it off. i dont have a crush on anyone anymore. except for of course, mike. he's my crush, my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my soul mate. he's amazing. love love love.

for like..the past 3 days i've had teddy geiger stuck in my head. "for you i will"

its a really really pretty song. he's like..acoustic like john mayer. very cool guy. love his music. love mayers too. i love acoustic, soft voiced music. it makes me feel good about myself. but sometimes it doesn't.

like..the other day...i listened to that song "bad day" by daniel powter before i went to school. boy..that day was a depressing day. on the way to school i just sat there and looked out the window with that song rewinding over and over in my head. mike ended up calling when i was almost to school. it cheered me up for a good 20-30 minutes. but for some reason i stayed down that day.

its absolutely crazy and incredible to notice what songs can do to your mood.

jen-eck asked me today if i was scared about graduation. apparently she's scared about being a senior next year. i told her i was scared ****less. which i am. so i wasn't lieing. but..i think even though i'm scared, i'll be ok. i'll be fine. i'm not sure why i know this..but i do know it. i'll be ok. graduation will come and go and like that..it'll be done with. i'll be a graduate and i probably wont think about it much anymore. then again, it might hit hard after graduation and i might get really upset or something. and i might think about it every single day over the summer. well..maybe.

i shouldn't. i'm going to be with mike most all of the summer. we're going to the beach with his family and we're also going up to pennsylvania to see his family. i'm super stoked. i cant wait for the beach trip with them. it's gonna be fun. and i get to meet his dad. which is gonna be awesome. i'm so stoked to meet his dad. i just hope he likes me. and not just because i make mike happy. i want him to like me for me. :) which i guess if i worry about it then i'll be way to cautious and probably be more likely to slip up.  who knows?

anyways..i think i've written enough. i know i could write more but i'm not sure if i feel like it. if i do though...then i'll just write another blog.

goodnight hoes.