My Blog

Frustraited - Mega blog

OK, so im really frustraited, hence the title... I thought that I was dealing better but apparently not because after 17 days of not cutting i had to today because ppl were buggin me and i am just so tired of trying anymore. 

I dont want to try anymore and i jsut want to huddle up and die.  i dont want to eat or have to worry about that and i want to cut so far that i just die because ppl keep buggin me or they dont stick around long enuff because they dont want to deal with you and your problems.  and yes ms flood that one is directed at you.

i wish that i had my mum... i wish that she understood and supported the decisions that i made and she doenst want to have anything to do with me so if you have family and are going through anything, even if you arent, i just suggest that you cherish that.  because right now i feel like im an orphan, my biological dad wants nothing to do with me and my biological mum doesnt either.  and i dont even know the one set of biological grandparents so they dont want to deal with me either because they have never had any intreset in me just like my bio dad.  and yese, this does matter that they are all biological and none of them want to take an intrest.  because it makes me feel like a nussance towards everyone who does care.  i mean, my dad, not my father, but my dad knows what is going on, but he has his own family to worry about and i dont want  to be a bother... i know that he would say that im not, but i still feel like it because he has 2.5 kids and animals and i just wish that my mum would take some sort of intrest because it just hurts so much taht she doenst care...

she thinks that i do things on purpose to hurt her but i dont i dont i dont.

and she cant get it through her thick skull that it isnt about her!!!!!!!!

And my dad, i have issues iwth him too, like the fact that for 5 years we didnt see each other, and the fact that i dont have my own space at his house... the playroom on a cot does not count!  i know there is not any space, and that i only visit sometimes, but it would be nice if i had my own space that i could go there!  because without it i just want to cut more and more and more and then i do!  and then i get frustraited because i dont want to anymore, but i dont know any other way to cope, and it makes me mad because i dont want to care that i do it, but i do!  and i dont care if whoever reading this is mad at me or confused because i just dont want to care anymore.  i dont think the meds are working and i wont know for 2 more weeks and its just frustraiting.

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish that i didnt have to go back to my dads tomorrow..,.. i wish that i could just go home and dawna would make me better, i want a band aid...  i dont want to deal with the issues, i just want a hug and for it to be better....

I wish that i was at home.

I miss my own space... and i will have to show dawna that i did it when i get back friday and she will be upset because i did it when i was away and that i didnt talk to someone, but that isnt true because i was chatting and they didnt help. so then i did it.  i tried not to, kind of, but i wanted to for 17 days, so i  think that secretly i didnt want them to help... oh well

i just dont want tocare anyomore i want to take some advils or tylonals or both or i dont care i just want the pain to go away and i want to OD but i wont but i reallyn want to and if anyone calls the cops on me because of this particular blog than i wll never blog again.

ok, so now i feel slightly better, and this blog is massive... so ttyl i guess/

 - Randii -

PS ms flood i know that you have your own family.  i dont want to be part of it.  i was never trying to.  and im sorry that i have bothered you about this.  so i just wont talk to you about it from now on alrigth?  you can find out for yourself if you really want to by asking my dad about it,  im not gonna bother you anymore. 

bye

Miranda