My Blog
weight log & measurements (update daily)
This will be updated in clumps of dates. Seeing as I do not have easy-access to a computer anymore, and I am trying to keep busy and not eat but am not allowed to skip meals at the group home I am living at. blah. However, I am still tracking daily and restricting like mad with the occassional B/P still (hence large weight fluctuations -_-)
Nov 9: 172.2
Nov 10: 171.0
Nov 11: 171.2
Nov 12: 170.0
Nov 13: 171.6
Nov 14: 169.8
Nov 15: 168.8
Nov 16: ??
Nov 17: ??
Nov 18: 171.6 - OINK. fatty. stop. eating.
***** IP from Nov 21 - Dec 5 ******
Dec 8: 166.0
Dec 9: 166.2 ~ MOOOO
Dec 10: 165.8
Dec 11: 166.8 ~ FATTY
Dec 12: ??
Dec 13: 171 ~ WTF?! EEEW!
Dec 14: 168.4
Dec 15: 165.2
Dec 16: 164.8
Dec 17: 164.6 ~ YUCK.
Dec 18: 164.6 ~ eeeeew!
Dec 19: 164.2
Dec 20: 163.6 ~ FAT-O-SAURUS!
Dec 21:
Dec 22:
Dec 23:
Dec 24:
Dec 25:
Dec 26:
Dec 27:
Dec 28:
Dec 29:
Dec 30:
Dec 31: *** GOAL 143 OR LESS ***
****.
I can't stop thinking about the train.
the ****in prob is that I promised Katie that I wouldn't
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
why do I have to keep my word?
**** this sucks ass!
my stomach is grumbling
lovely anxiety attack
****
that is all
I don't deserve food.
I want a sandwich.
****
I can't sleep
such is my life
:| FRIG
frig, it didn't post.
stupid thing.
God I hate this computer.
*shakes fist*
anyway, I am still sick.
I am thinking once my birth certif gets in that I will apply for my passport and then ask a friend from the USA to drive to IL but say she is going to VA or something so we can cross at buffallo / ontario border, and then I will stay in the trunk. HAHA as long as she doesn't get a suprise inspection it shall work! otherwise I will likley be banned from the USA for life or something retarded.
Peggy (one of the RSW's) just snapped at a resident for asking why the cafeteria was closed. It shouldn't be closed. We should be able to get water or juice when we want, not just at meal times.
I hate it here.
Fuck.
I am going to bed again shortly. Fuckin sick and cold and eeeew.
*hugs*
it better post this time.
Randii
stuffing my face
currently stuffing my face
eeew
oh well, I will likely purge later
And then, no more food just very-watered-down apple juice! that will be after breakfast here (which will be purged LOL).
ughhhhhhh I just wanna stop eating!!!
I need a friggen' job!
*sulks*
off to finish stuffing my face now!
*hugs*
Randii
treatment?
I will go KICKING AND SCREAMING if they try it!
they are trying to get me into a program called Bellwood or something in TO, ON. I DON'T WANNA GO!! I JUST DON'T WANNA HAVE STREP ANYMORE!!!
People are always fighting here.
Blah.
I feel like poooop!
I miss Katie...
I was a piggy today....
UGH!!!
tomorrow is only JUICE! apple juice (very watered down) and water!!
I miss my kitty Gracie.
that is all!
mwa hahahhahahaha
going to bed at 8 or 9 maybe.
blah.
anyway, my head is pounding.
I need a job.
but I am being smiled at by the cutest little 3 month year old! awww Jesse soooo cute!
sick
I have strep throat.
woo-hoo.
that is ok, it will make it easier on this fast since my doc was like, have warm liquids, here's some antibiotics (the sample packs since i don't have a drug plan atm), sleep lots, try to refrain from purging.
hahahah. key word is TRY!
I need a nap. Then I am online at the KPL from 4:15-6:15 (yes this is to avoid dinner lmao).
I had some chicken soup broth at lunch and then ended up purging anyway. Everytime I cough I wanna puke and everytime I hiccup something comes up. it's gross. I need sleep.
Tomorrow I want to go to one of the temp agencies in town and drop resumes off at some offices.
*hugs*
Randii
I'm back :D
yes it has been a while since I posted on this site!
However since I am currently staying at a shelter I cannot access myspace, but then I remembered I had this site!
I am currently fasting, today is day 2, I want to go to dec 21. I started it at 12:30am on nov 12 so I am going to go to 12:30pm on dec 21 (longer if i can get away with it!)
I am currently avoiding lunch, successfully avoided breakfast, and yesterday fasted all day for my barium UGI xray and ultrasound (which was today).
Yesterday I weighed a heaping 171.6 lbs, so I will update this one when I think of it next, but I have not weighed yet today, so I obviously can't do that now. lmao.
anyway. there is much new stuff, but there is not enough time or brain power in me rigght now to write it out.
I am considering getting a job with the RCMP and maybe trying to get a spot on a border or in the usa if I can.
*hugs*
Randii
good songs... stupid myspace
ok, so lately i've really really really really been obsessing with my weight... in fact, today, i have to wear layers so that my sister doesn't get mad atme for losing weight while back in k-w. *shrugs* anyway, i would have posted on my myspace account, however it keeps coming up with technical errors when i want to load my add new blog part. so, here i am again.
artist- superchick title - beauty from pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Artist: Superchick
Album: Beauty From Pain
Track: Courage
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but what I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
Binge + Purge - Lunachicks
Can't have an inch of fat on my bod
Gotta get on the cheerleading squad
Play try-outs are next week
There's a foxy guy I gotta meet
Mom won't let me eat too much
But in my room I go and stuff
Ipecac & Exlax are my best friends
I'll have my head in the toilet till the end
Fingers just not long enough
This time the purge is gonna be tough
People tell me that I'm thin
Then they ask about the bruise on my chin
When I'm home I eat as much as I can
Pretty soon I'll need a bedpan
No guys like me 'cept for Lax
But he's my ex!
chorus
Binge and purge the whole day through
I threw up on mom's good shoes
I made a mess in the school bathroom
Someone's bound to catch me soon
Binge and purge
Mom found me on the floor
Blood stains on my Christian Dior
Now I'm in the hospital
They feed me from a bag on the wall
Me & my friends do it all together
Circle purge will make it better
Ruptured my esophagus
But I'm still a hippopotamus
Just can't seem to figure it out
Why my teeth keep falling out!
chorus
The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control
Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again and I'm not lying
Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
I'm doing this for you
Because it's easier to lose
And it's hard to face the truth
When you think you're dying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again but you don't stop trying
Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on
Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again, you don't stop trying
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Because of standing in the way of control
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on
slept in
dreamt that i slept thru work but went to school ~ weird
anyways, not much else to talk about really... well, maybe,....
went to group last nite, was late for that cuz i missed my bus. oops.
anyway, i gotta start to get ready for work
ttyl
-randii-
meh
its weird tho, cuz usually when i sleep thru class, i have dreams about being at school, but this time i didnt... weird...
anyway, i went to work for a while and just kinda did random things...
then went to a friends, she made me feel much better. gave me the number to the counsellor she saw and said she was really good, so im gonna call her tomorrow prolly. anyway, we just sat and talked and i pet her cats and dog... they are soooo soft! and soooo cute! i definately have to bring my camera so that i can take pics!
anyway, im gonna crash shortly, but i really should eat cuz i only had a few oreos and some hot chocolate.
ttyl
- randii -
not so bad...
wow, and yeah it pretty much blew me away at how much she listened! thanks mom.
ok, so my assistant manager found out what i do (cutting and burning) because i had asked a co-worker who knows ( but has promised to keep it quiet) to get me some aloe vera or something for burns when she was on her break... anyway, the assisntant manager asked me why, and seeing as she is the assistant manager she would have to know anyway right? (for safety and health) but we made an agreement that we both signed saying that she wouldnt smoke anymore if i stopped self harming.
anyway, it was really nice of her to do that, i mean, she could have just shrugged it off and said whatever, but she didnt!
anyways, i should go finsih my homework and my readings... ugh
ttyl
- randii -
*anxious*
im really scared about the meeting tomorrow - eep! today!!!... i mean, i made a point form list but im still scared... had a nap today... ahhh nap.... and watched stick it,... its a pretty good movie!
thnking about calling distress line... but not sure yet if i will... i mean, i cant get rid of these thoughts in my head! they just keep spinning around and around and around.... and its frustraiting! my teacher said that i have to prioritize and focus on something...
anyway, i should go do some homework,,.... which prolly means i will continue watching tv and playing on the computer! hahahahha! seriously, i should get back to it, lots of readings this week.
later
- randii -
[...nothing....]
i got a call from CMHA saying i couldnt volunteer for them because i use the lines - how is that right??
*shrugs* oh well
talked to my mom tonite while at work, told her i am going to see a psychiatrist again and she was all angry that i wouldnt tell her why, so then i finally told her why and she was like "well i dont know what to say because nothing is ever the right thing" and i got frustraited because she wanted to know! and i told her about it so that she would feel like she was important (becasue she is) enough to still have a lil information on what is happening with me! now im not sure. i feel like no matter if i tell her nothing or bits and pieces or everything shes never gonna be happy!
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, now that im all worked up im gonna play with my hamster and then crash... maybe cut or something after...
*shrugs*
oh well,
ttyl all
- randii -
i dont know that i wanna talk about it anymore tho, i mean, it feels like ive talked the death out of it, but we still havent found like a root cause or anything. its frustraiting i guess, just because, like i get on streaks and go for a while without cutting and then i get really stressed and stuff and do it often for a while again.
oh and she says that burning is just a more painful (instintaneously i guess, cuz cutting is painful too) version of cutting/self harm.
*sighs* well i gotta do some homework and then crash.
ooooh, i get to take blood again today!
ttyl all
- randii -
ok, so i did get a few references for my volunteering thing...
I see my dr today cuz i made an appt on monday, have to tell her about recent thought... they arent the best... but im scared cuz i dont want her to drug me up... i mean, im already on meds for life, i dont wanna be on high doses of meds for all my life!
i dont know why i think its such a bad thing that i am on meds, i mean, people with diabetes and stuff are on meds for their life once they are diagnosed. *shrugs*
anyway, was late for school today cuz i slept in til 8. oops. oh well, finished the test in like 15 minutes so its no biggie.
well ttyl all
- randii -
i havent cut today, but i also didnt go to school, cuz when i went to bed at 230am this morning, i did set my alarm clock, but i muct have hit snooze or turned it off or slept thru it, cuz i slept til 1230 when CMHA called me, then went back to sleep after finsihing until 830pm! I guess that is what happens when you stay awake for 40hours.
group wasnt as scary as i thought it was gonna be. i still have to do some of the homework that they gave me.
oh my gosh, news is sooo depressing! i guess thats why i dont usually follow it at all. i mean, the girl who died from the shooting in the college, they had her funeral today. :(
also, toronto is sending their garbage somewhere not within the toronto boundaries! they should like recycle more or something! cuz nobody wants someone elses garbage! pee yew.
anyway, time to review for my test tomorrow and do that homework.
ttyl all
- randii -
smilies...
generally they are given to people who you dont like who are smokers.
that or have you ever lit your arm hair on fire?? its kinda cool to see it shrivel up and theres like this black powder that looks like ash afterwards. smells pretty gross though.
have you ever thought of self-immolation?? or anti-freeze??
i mean... self-immolation would be pretty painful, so i guess you would force yourself to stop drop and roll just as a basic natural reflex to put it out. but antifreeze is sweet and it would do some good stuff to ya, i mean, if you did both you may as well say goodbye to the world...
i spose this shows where my mind has been the past week.
*shrugs* i dont really see the point anymore. i mean, i try and i try and i try and for what?? why am i trying?? what is the point?? the person on the distress lines tonight said i should start going to church again and maybe that would help me meet people and get more support. *sighs* i guess i could try but i dont just wanna show up one day, and i dont really know anyone who goes to church other than lyndz and her family and i dont think im on the terms to get to go with them...
anyway, i should crash shortly... ttyl i guess...
- randii -
feel like crap.,..
so i talked to Lyndz on MSN about it, she said i prolly hurt her feelings and the fact that she was offering help and that i wasnt taking it. but i mean, should i have?? i mean, if she really wanted me to, she would finish the basement/ keep the offer open and not make me choose in such a short time.
then, since i still felt really guilty about it, i cut... oh well. its been a while since i ddi it last so i supose it isnt a huge deal...
then i called grand river distress line, cuz i didnt feel like not getting to say anything like when i talk on CMHA distress line... i was afraid it would be Alex, but it wasnt, thank goodness... i think i would have hung up if it was him. i dont need anyone judging me on a distress line, i get enough of that from people i know.
she was nice... her name was vivian. she was a good listener... i told her my name was chantelle (not an entire lie cuz that is my middle name) and i gave her my moms address... i dont know why i did, i just, i dunno... i didnt want her to know i guess...
*shrugs*
anyway... i should go crash... i told vivian i wouldnt cut unless i called again... stupid contract things... and i played with my hamster already, and i told her i would try to sleep and if i couldnt i would watch tv or call again if i needed to, which i dont think i will need to, and even if i do, i prolly wont for at least a few nites, cuz i dont wanna become a regular caller that theyre always like - oh she should be calling around now - cuz i think thats almost like abusing the program.
she said not to worry about what mom thought, because mom should respect my decision and be supportive with whatever i do, and that she should be proud of me no matter what i do... even if i dont become like some super smart doctor or something amazing.
she said that people cared, and that sometimes people didnt know how to show that they cared.... like my dad refusing to see me until i get better...
well, i should go head off to bed,.... gotta be up again in about 3 hours...
ttyl
- randii -
called again
anyway, i wanted his input on whether or not i should move back in with my parents... he didnt really give me any except to weigh the pros and cons,.... he said it was really my decision and he didnt really know specifics and my situation personally so he couldnt really suggest anything. he said to do what i felt, not to be pressured. easier said than done!
but i think mostly i just wanted to talk to someone so that i could maybe try to fall asleep... no such luck cuz i gotta be up in 2 hours and i will prolly oversleep again and i cant miss a test and i already have missed enough days.
but i guess they really shouldnt care if i show up... i mean, they get paid whether or not i show up, and i could prolly study what i needed for tests on my own outta the texts... prolly be easier cuz then i could do it on my own time and not have to worry about waking up at 630 so i could take a bus every day at 704 and be there on time...
*shrugs* guess thats why its private right?? paying for the small classes and the relationship with the prof.
oh i have a test today and ive studied about as much as i can handle cuz i think my brain is gonna explode... prolly wont do as well, cuz i just studied forom the notes, didnt make any from the chapter in the workbook or text... *shrugs again* oh well...
anyway... thats my blurb for now. im gonna be pooped by 1130pm when i finish work today... i think i get to sleep in saturday tho, cuz i think i actually have saturday off! yay homework and sleep....
well, gonna go surf the net or put a movie in or somethin... if ur bored u can reply... or if u have any suggestions for more energy on 4 hours of sleep a nite,,, or on what i should do about the living arrangemetns thing....
ttyl all...
- randii -
another nite
but i had a pretty cruddy day, i mean, it wasnt even that a lot of stuff happened other tahn a few disgruntled customers, i just woke up in a bad mood, cuz i didnt sleep very well. plus i had weird dreams about shopping, maybe thats cuz i am hungry but i dont really feel hungry, which is why i dont eat. i had a pizza pocket and a nutella sandwich today tho, so i did eat.
ok, well, im gonna crash shortly, i have homework and stuff to do later on, like laundry etc...
ttyl
- randii -
called again...
I basically just told her i was scared about my mom's health, and that its been a rough 3 weeks since i found out.
well, im really tired, im sure there is more i want to blog, but im gonna crash instead... dont know why ive been so tired... it cant just be a lack of iron cuz otherwise i woulda been tired the whole time since like september when i stopped eating well and started gettin really depressed.
well, ttyl all
- randii -
hmmm
i got sick at work tonight... it was gross. i had a waffle and a lunchable and nibbled on some salad today, so i did eat quite a bit.
i am sooooo friggen tired!
im gonna snag some stuff from school tomorrow and take my own blood again, from the vein at the muscle, so if i screw up then its my own fault.
i dont think its good for me to get poked everyday, i mean, i dont reproduce my blood cells fast enough, and i dont want to end up passing out in class because i didnt regenerate my blood cells.
well, im gonna watch tv or go to bed...
ttyl all
- randii -
suicide and cutting stuff
BOOKMARK ON SUICIDE
if someone you know:
- threatens suicide
- talks about wanting to die
- seems despressed or withdrawn
- deliberatley injures themselves
- shows changes in mood, behaviour, or appearance
- abuses drugs or alcohol
- stay calm and LISTEN
- let them talk
- DO NOT JUDGE
- ASK if they have any SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
- Stay with the person until they are safe
- TAKE ALL THREATS SERIOUSLY
- DO NOT KEEP SECRETS
- GET HELP!
In Kitchener - Waterloo - Cambridge (Ontario, Canada):
- Crisis Services of Waterloo Region: 519-744-1813
- Distress Centre: 519-745-1166
- Youth Line: 519-745-9909
- Grand River Hospital: 519-742-3611
- Cambridge Memorial Hospital: 519-621-2330
- OR CALL 911
What should family and friends do when a loved one is self-harming?
Helpful Responses:
- A Non-Judgemental attitude
- Understanding of the person's emotional pain and reasons for hurting themselves
- Listen to them for as long as they need
- Ask them if they want to talk about why they have done this
- For some people it is useful to either sit in silence or give them a hug
- verbally telling them you are not condemning them for a way of coping and surviving and that you want to help them (assuming the person knows this may not be the case)
- supporting them to get medical help for injuries
- providing them with other places to get support
- shouting at them
- blaming them or someone they care about
- calling them attention seeking
- telling them to pull themselves together
- forcing them to stop by physical means
- pleading with them to stop or using emotional blackmail (ex. If you loved me you'd stop)
Anyway, I am gonna go do some homework, just thought I would post this cuz it might be useful to some people, or just informative to others...
ttyl all
- randii -
ugh why do i bother?
ok... so im sitting here... wondering why i am even trying so hard... i mean like i am going to school and working both full time, i dont have time to study, so my grades are as good as i would like them to be (which i expected myself to get 85 + %) but its so hard to get everything done that you need to do!
i mean, i bareley have time to do things like eat and sleep! i had a shower today after like 4 days of not having one! my hair was sooo dirty it was gross!
plus ive lost 2 pant sizes this month cuz i havent really been eating, i went from 16 to 11... i couldnt wear my nice work pants anymore because i couldnt get them to stay up on their own and they dont have a place for the belt! so now i gotta fork out money so that i can get new dress pants that fit... plus i need new scrubs because they are also gettin really big on me.
ugh...
im trying so hard and succeeding so little.
anyway, thats my blurb for now, gotta head back to class
ttyl all
- randii -
attatchement
i mean, death shouldnt be a big thing, it should be accepted. i mean, its a natural thing that happens right? but since we are attatched it makes it harder...
my counsellor thinks that im becoming dependant on her. she thinks that i have attatched some sort of meaning to her. the only thing that ive attatched to her is that she is someone that i can trust and talk to on a weekly basis. also, that i can get input from her that is logical and doesnt have any pre-existing thoughts with me and that together.
but then, detatchement is exactly what got me into this mess to start with, i mean, i didnt want to bother anyone that i was already attatched to (stressing the attatchement) so i internalized it, then i started cutting.... wchih maybe wasnt such a good idea.
oh well
this is it for now, ttyl all
- randii -
finally it works!
anyways, i have had a rough few days. my mom gave us some news that is unfortunate and disturbing and apparently i didnt react the way that she wanted me too. *sighs* nothing is ever good enough for that woman.
so im really really frustraited, becuase i dont seemt o be good enough for her. i spose i can chat with my counsellor about that today too. *sighs* oh yeah, shes going on holidays for another week next week. grrrr....
well, im gonna get to reading some of my homework...
oh, i got mail today, thought it was some sort of junk mail cuz it said congratulations on it. but, it was from conestoga college and apparently ive been accepted intto their ECE program... trouble is that it starts in Jan and i dont finish until march. plus i dont know that i really wanna do that anymore, i mean, i still love little kids, but i dont know that i wanna make a career about it. anyways, i still dont know what im gonna do about it, i only have til september 1st to tell them if i want to, thats like a week away! they sure didnt give me much time to think about it. I wish they had at least sent it to me like 3 weeks ago. i feel like i was a last resort cuz they needed more people. *sighs* i spose i should just be grateful that they are considering me (and taking my money! HAHA).
ok, ttyl for real
i wish jen were online so i could chat with her about how crappy im feeling. *shrugs*
-Randii -
Food...
Yet, we can use it to comfort us when we are angry or sad.
We can use it at social gatherings.
And some of us, we either love to hate food, or hate to love food.
what does this mean?? well, loving to hate food is when you undereat / dont eat a lot because of the fear that it will make you fat. when you either eat very little, or when you eat a lot and then make yourself throw up, or even if you eat a little and make yourself throw up afterwards.
hating to love food, thats like when you over-eat. You sit by the fridge at night gobble up everything that looks good. (usually carbs) or when you "closet eat" - when you hide food, then secretly eat it in a bedroom or closet etc...
see how weird food is??
im one of those people that doesnt eat a lot when im upset. if i do eat tho, it usually makes me sick, literally. Lyndz, you saw that when i lived with you. I have this fear that it has started again, as I dont think that eating 1 cup of dry cereal (usually shreddies or life) really constitutes as a whole days meal and nutrients, along with about 1.5 litres of water. (you are supposed to drink 2 litres a day)
anyways, this was just an observation i noted today, and last night when i was on MSN with my buddy Kare.
well, ttyl all. today promises to be yet another craporific day.
- randii -
oh disappointments.
secondly, i saw my counsellor Amanda again today, it was good, except that she told me that in 2 weeks she will be off for another week!!! Didnt she have enough time off before??? I mean, i know that she is entitled to her holidays, but she may as well of taken off 4 weeks in a row then to do 3 weeks and then another week. and she was like: but after that i wont be off til christmas.
well what am i supposed to do then???
can you be addicted to having counsellors?? maybe its just cuz im really insecure and feell like people are gonna leave me all of a sudden and abandon me.
she told me not to feel guilty about Michelle, because I wasnt the last place in the world for her to go, and it wasnt my fault that she wasnt willing to follow rules, and that i was a good friend, because i gave her a place, and empathy and did try to help her get back together.
didnt go to school today cuz i was sleeping.
did get my passport pic done so i can get my licqour card and so i can get an aphidaphit from city hall for the school.
i got a planner from walmart today.
well, im gonna research why ive been so tired these past few days.
then ive gotta study for my quiz tomorrow.
ttyl all
- randii -
hmmm.... part 2
brb gotta get laundry from the dryer.
not quite dry yet. gotta check on it again shortly.
so anyway, about the cutting today, i cut cuz i had this MASSIVE huge HEADACHE, and i couldnt take anything for it cuz i had only taken my meds like 30 mins before, and you cant take it within 2hrs of taking the kind of meds i take cuz it makes them less effective and me even more tired, and seeing as im already really uber tired i dont need to feel any more tired than i already am. also, i only got 64% on this self quiz thing yesterday, so that was disappointing.
what else???
oh i have my appt with Amanda again tomorrow, she will be back from holidays, i think it will be weird, i mean, cuz she has been gone for 3 weeks, and i have been talking to a lady named Joanne for 2 of those weeks.
*shrugs* i guess i will have to get over it quick.
oh i need to go to city hall and get an aphidaphit (sp) because i dont have any photo ID and my school wont accept my health card, but they need something that proves that i am me. stupid CDI. *shrugs* have to get over that too i guess. i could just go to the beer store and get a licqour card, i think it takes like 4 days to get to you, so maybe they can wait til weds??
but of course that requires money, which i dont have a lot of right now. i have like $40 from my pay that i can use and the rest is going to text books.
i have no idea how im gonna cover rent this month. hopefully darrin will be approved, then i will have a lil bit of extra (i applied for $10G but my program is like $9865 or something... have to look at my paperwork to find the exact amount) so i will have close to $150 to go to my bills for this month, which is good, cuz my other pay wont be as much as ive been gettin lately cuz i didnt work as much overtime. *sighs* oh well, it will all work out, things seem to fall in place when you really want them and when you're willing to work really hard and when you are meant to do soemthing. doesnt mean that its easier, but it means that you will appreciate it more i guess. kinda like when kids earn money and buy something, they are more proud that they bought it and take better care of it, cuz it wasnt just given to them cuz they were whining or something.
ok, well i think im gonna go for a walk or something. ttyl all.
- randii -
hmmm.....
well, today i woke up late (7:04) but i got to school only like 5 minutes late! YAY!
hmm.... oh i cut today. was feeling stressed cuz darrin still has to call BMO and do the loan thinger and then this admissions money finance person pulled me outta class to ask what was up so i told her that i had been approved (cuz i have been) but i needed to find a cosigner and i asked someone and they should be approved and she said to keep them posted.
anyways, gotta head back to class. will post more later. (like why i cut today etc... ) sooo tired.... cant wait to get home and have a nap!
ttyl all
- randii -
it's NOT okay to cry
when - appears its cuz i made a comment.
"It's OK to Cry" Amanda Wilkinson
Somewhere along the way we taught to keep it all together, - very true, who teaches us this?
We mask the pain we feel inside, to make everyone else feel better,
You wrap your arms around yourself and bury all your sorrow,
You can't hide from your emotions baby, they'll still be here tomorrow,
If your heart won't let it flow,
I want you to know,
Chorus
It's okay to cry (Everybody's gotta hurt sometime) - no it isnt, crying is horrible and makes you weak and childish!
Let those tear drops fly (Don't even try to dry your eye)
Don't keep it all inside (In the mornin' it'll be alright) - who says?? nothing is ever alright!!
It's okay to cry - i disagree
First you gotta fall apart to pick up all the pieces,
If you don't learn to let it go, - i've learned, people just dont like the way i deal! heck, I dont even like how I deal!
the pain inside increases,
It takes more strength to hold it in then to give in and surrender,
why's the first thing that we learn,
the last thing we remember?
Baby, tears don't make you weak, If I could only make you see,
Chorus
It ain't nothing at all
Sometimes you gotta break down and let 'em fall, - no you dont! just keep doin what youre doin!
Baby that's true
Ohhhhhh
Chorus
Ohhhhhhhhhhh
a new day...
alright, so today is a new day, i was almost late for school, but caught the 7 near my house YAY! i think the teacher got there like 5 mins before me, so no biggie. anyway, i am gonna photocopy textbooks stuff for this week and hopefully i will have money for them weds/thurs and have em next week. anyways, gotta go back to class, cuz break is almost finished.
ttyl for now
- randii -
wahoo!
i had a dream about meeting a paramedic and he was like: why do you wanna be a paramedic? and i was like: cuz i want a job that isnt the same thing every day, something that i can help people in and something that is physical. you know, something that doesnt become repetitive and boring.
and he was like: you will LOVE this job then. it DEFINATELY isnt boring or repetitive! and is VERY physical!
then he was like: email me if you have any questions ok??
and he gave me his email!! it was AWESOME!!!
i dont really feel like ive acocmplished anything... i mean, i know that im only just 19, but i have been in school FOREVER!!! and i still have 2.5 to 3 years left!!! *sighs* well... oh well...
Amanda comes back this week!!! i dunno if i like joanne better but maybe thats just cuz i needed to talk to someone really really badly both times. *shrugs*
anyways, im gonna make cupcakes because my mom and gramma are comin over tonight (gramma around 5 and mom around 6). Im really really uber excited to see my gramma!!! It has been soooo long since ive actually spent some time with her! I mean, when she was in kitchener unexpectedly that was great, especially since i saw my baby brother, bbut i want to spend some time with her!
im gonna make vanilla cupcakes with butterscotch chippies in them!!! plus vanilla icing and maybe some sprinkles... havent decided about that yet. maybe i will put sprinkles on 1/2 of them...
anywho, i have to get cleaning my house now. cuz its kinda messy, and gotta make those cupcakes.
ttyl all!
- randii -
another long day...
*thinking* i think that we talked about something else, but i cant remember what it was... maybe i wrote it down. just a sec. hmmm, i thought we did, but i guess we really didnt.
the only other thing i rememeber is that i asked her if she had seen a lot of Amanda's "clients" and she only had 2 others, but they didnt see her at all. it kinda makes me feel like a freak and weird, but she said that i shouldnt. that Amanda would be proud that i went and talked when i wanted to cut and when i was distressed and when i really needed to talk to someone.
*shrugs* i guess i really was taking care of myself though. im kinda proud of me.
oh, i do have some homework, but nothing really exciting, just a journal on my learning styles and a mindmap of my brain. busy work really.
hmmm...
well, ive been 19 for 2 hours and i dont feel any different. oh well, Happy Birthday Kare!
ok, well i think there is more that i wanna blog about, but i am really tired, so im gonna go to bed. ttyl all
- randii -
... tired... but EXCITED!
)oh yeah, im excited because its my birthday in 1 day!!! (the 10th) and i will be 19!!! but im scared too, because, i willl really really be an adult, i mean, i will be able to buy smokes and go to casions and bars and stuff. i dont really have any interest in those things tho. does that make me strange??
also, im excited because darrin is comin to hang out with me soon! we aer gonna watch movies and pig out and go shopping, and its gonna be sooo fun!!!!
anyways, im gonna go off to bed now. i didnt get home til just a little bit ago (maybe 25 mins) and im pooped and today i have to go to school, then zehrs (prescription needs to be filled) then to work and i work til 1030, which means i wont be home til like 1130.
yesterday, i woke yup, bussed to school, went to my dr's (to fill prescription and ask about lab results) then went to work and just got home now. *sighs* today is gonna be busier cuz of the lottery bein 32 million dollars!! OMGOSH who needs that much money>?? what in the world could you do with that much money???????
oh, my lab results, ive been on iron for a month, and the first time i got my bloodwork done it was less than 5 (? what the measurements are) and this time (on the 24th when it was done) it was 11... normal is somewhere between 40 and 60, so i have a bit to go yet. oh well, i will be happy if it gets to 25. but that is also from taking like 70 mg's of it a day!! (i could take it 3 times instead of 2, but that would mean i would be sick like all day, and we arent sure if it would do anything or react less or anything would happen with my antidepressents.)
also, i found out that im hungry a lot because the antidepressents make you hungrier! Aopparently she did that because i wasnt really eating anything in sept to decemebr, and so when she put me on them in december she hoped that it would make me hungrier. well i think it definately worked! i mean, i gained like 100 lbs, and then i lost a bunch of it (between 50 and 60) in the time of about 2 months from going to the gym everyday 3 times a day for an hour at least each time. now ive been advised to only go once a day and for no longer than 1.5 hours. *sighs* oh well, i guess i will have to continue watching more tv and stuff...
ove been reading a lot tho. ive read like 4 books in the past 3 weeks. (im on the 5th)
anyyways,
goin to bed now,
ttyl all
- randii -
i feel so girly today!
oh and ive blogged like 3 times in the past 20 hours.
ok, well thats it for now, i know a very short blog. i havent felt like cutting yet, maybe i should be girly more often?
ttyl all
- randii -
выражение, по-русски
hashahaha, except you JEN!
I expect you to and to post back in some other random language (please tell me what language it is so i dont spend forever finding it ok? you can use russian if you want to.) and if you are really wondering what it was supposed to be i can send it in an email, but i dont quite remember what it talked about, something about my roommate, my boyfriend and cartoons and how i love them and ch 51 (family).
хорошо, так что я действительно доволен, что мой помощник комнаты(места) ушел теперь. я подразумеваю, я могу иметь моего друга, и мы можем сделать то, чему мы чувствуем себя подобно! мультипликации настолько случайны! я люблю spongebob и Ким, возможную и weekenders. ах канал 51. что я обошелся бы без Вас?
так так или иначе, этот blog isnt действительно, что возбуждая, потому что это действительно не говорит ни о чем другом чем случайные вещи.
ttyl
Randii
PS - when you translate it back to english it doesnt really work as well as when i wrote it. oh well, i guess its like that for all languages. *shrugss*
well, only like 30 mins til i see my bf!!!
lil less frustraited....
whatever. so i called one of the distress line, the CMHA one, and talked to this person named Ya... something. lol, sorry Ya.
anyway, she listened to me and told me that if i felt guilty i was prolly taking care of myself. and she said this thing about how everyone has a cookie jar, and mine has to be full before i can start giving them away. i guess that means that i have to take care of me first and then i can start helping others out.
so i guess i better take care of me.
Ya, you can email me (if you want, you dont have to, its optional) at miranda.d.c.powell@gmail.com
anyway, she was really nice. she said in New York there was this 12 step program for people who cut. i think i will ask Amanda about it when i see her in 1.5 weeks.
she is still off for 1.5 weeks! how am i supposed to get thru?? i mean, i thought i would be ok, but then there was michelle and stuff, and yeah i just didnt know what else to do, so before i did something idiotic i decided it was best to call CMHA distress line.but i have kept my contract not to cut until i call Ya again. I mean, im sure that eventually i will, because well im human and i know that i sometimes i just dont want to continue trying. anyways, im gonna finish off my laundry now and cleaning and stuff.
oh michelle picked up her bike and all her clothes and stuff, and i blocked her on MSN, i know tahts kind of childish, but i just dont want to hear from her that i ruined her life.
ttyl
- randii -
.....
its official, im not doin anything for anyone anymore! ARGH!
ugh roommates...
she is moving out soon tho. i put a password on my computer and took my webcam away so that she doesnt use it anymore, she can use it when i am home, which isnt really that often, but she will have to go out and job hunt or something instead then while im at school and work. she needs to get off her lazy ass anyways, i mean, i understand not wanting to do anything, but this is a little excessive. she doesnt shower, she doesnt clean her dishes (i dont either, but im not home often enough to make them! usually i eat at work if i eat at all, or i eat something from a bag so there is no cleanup other than putting it in the garbage!), she hasnt done her laundry yet and she has such a high pile its gross (mine gets big too, max 3 loads, but thats because i usually dont have time or energy to do it cuz im soooo busy) and she doesnt even put her dirty clothes in her basket or some sort of pile! she just leaves them on the floor anywhere!!!!
i told mom and she was like, well then you shouldnt have helped out a friend!
OMGOSH!!! I mean, what kind of person doesnt help their friends when they need a place to crahs?? i mean, i have needed a place to stay a few times, i stayed with my ex-boyfriend twice, stayed wiht my friend Kare once, and stayed with Lyndz for quite a few months. oh well.oh, i think i have a cosigner for my loan,
she just has to talk to her husband and see if its ok, because she is self employed he will have to be the one who signs it, so i said to take the weekend to talk to him and decide, and if they say no i will ask my aunt and uncle. but if they say no im not too sure who i will ask, because that is about the end of the people that have known me for a long time and who are close. i mean, i could ask my dad sean, but we arent really talking at the moment, and im not too sure that he would be approved anyways.*crosses fingers* oh i hope hope hope that pam and bob can do it.
oh yeah, i still have to pay more of my credit card off because i need to charge $400 for my next set of textbooks. but i know that i dont have a lot left ($30 i think) that i can charge, so i guess it will have to wait a few weeks until i get my loan so that i can use some of that money for my credit card so that i can get those texts.
well, im gonna go to bed now, or finish watching gattaca, i dunno. but i do plan on sleepin in tomorrow, cuz im off and monday too cuz im off then!! but monday i do need to do more laundry. *sighs* it never ends...
ttyl all,
- randii -
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