The Journey

Me

No words could possibly better express what i am feeling now and who i am now.

This picture does...

love

all  i realized (i always knew this though) you should love yourself and only after that people will love you ))

i am back

another update for today :) it seems i am finally back to life and thats good

i went to my cottage today .. alone.. the weather was warm and everything was so beautiful outside and i really enjoyed it a lot. i went to the lake and was sitting there for 3 hours just thinking about what is going on in my life, where i am and what i want to. it was really good because i was able to come to some conclusions which may be very important to me because they may influence my life in some serious way. i mean i know life isnt a joke and all our decisions are very important but these ones are for sure the most important for now.

i am finally back to life again. i knew i am strong and it took me lots of my inner strength to cope with this. because again i had to confront with both physical and emotional pains. and it  was pretty hard this time, harder than ever before. but people with strong characters always know what to do. i happened not to know it first but now i know  and this knowledge makes me feel a bit better. i can control myself, my emotions which means i have control over my life again. though i know that one thing can change it forever :P but i am ready for this.

having spent 3 hours with myself thinking about important things made me think over all the possible variants, and i like all of them... well... honestly not all of them but i am ready to put up with each single decision, with each direction my life may take in the future. i deserve the best like we all do  and i will get the best like i want it because i want it. because i am ready to fight for my happiness. i can only fail when people whom i like and love, whom i adore and who are important to me ... when they will not like to go the same direction as i will.. i can be alone.. it is still possible but even being alone is not as bad as being with people who are not able to fight for whatever is important for them.

our past is our past. we either get over it and move on trying to use as much from our experience as it is possible or we are stuck in it trying to remember every single moment of being happy and then we will always be unhappy because it is not possible to turn back to those times and it is only wasting of time to think that everything can be good again.

i can easily forget bad things, somehow i always tend to remember only good ones and that really helpes me a lot these last few terrible weeks. because even now i am trying to think positive and to find all the best in the situation. every day i am saying to myself: "well... my dear.. at least you dont have nightmares this time" or "dont you think the pain you have right now isnt that severe as yesterday"? funny, isnt it? i know that we all have to suffer because only then we may understand the true cost of happiness.. i am ready to suffer when i know that right after that i will be happy and enjoy life again. now i see how silly i can be sometimes when i pay attention to things that dont matter in the end, because it is only you yourself who matter in the very end and it is up to you how to live. your whole life is up to you! 

i love life though sometimes it is hard on me and a bit unfair but i guess it is what i deserve. we all get what we deserve, dont we?

and since i didnt get the chance to write the entry for you, abhay, like i promised. i am writing this small part only for you, just to thank you for being there, for supporting me in a way you even havent noticed. may be you dont know but you really were supportive all the time and i am so grateful for this. and i know you will say "its my pleasure" as always :P

i am finally back here and i wont let anyone anymore make me destroy my own life by living in the world of pains and suffering. i do not deserve this. nobody does...

"Stuck"

Just a song which i can relate to in some way. not that it fully expresses what i am feeling... just i really do understand what she is feeling ... and besides i really always liked this one :)

Stacie Orrico "Stuck"

I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave this love behind

I ain't trippin
I'm just missing
You know what I'm saying
You know what I need

You can't be hanging on a string
While you make me cry
I try to give you everything
But you just gave me lies

I ain't trippin
I'm just missing
You know what I'm saying
You know what I need

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me
on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you

I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could be for
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Now love's a broken record that's
Been skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we've got to play these games we play?

I ain't trippin
I'm just missing
You know what I'm saying
You know what I need

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me
on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool

I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could be for
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me
on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you

I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could be for
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]
It's true
I'm stuck on you

again about life

how different everything can be only after one night.. now i am sure that when we sleep our brain is working better. i always knew this but today i realized it one more time. i feel a bit different than yesterday and this is good because now i almost know what to do and feel so much better about all the situation. it is really true that it is better to know that\n not to know... it is like Hamlet's "to be or not to be"... i prefer to be and i know it is a right decision.

today i will go to our small cottage, though it is pretty cold but i guess it is the best place for me to think about me and my life.. i will be back in the evening and hope to have a decision by that time. but still my decision has to depend on someone else's.

kife is so difficult sometimes, but may be it is better so because then we can enjoy it fully when something can be solved the way it makes us happy. i will try to be happy because otherwise nothing has any sense, life has no sense, love has no sense... 

A question

For those who still are reading all the stuff i am writing here... a question - you dont have to answer though, it is more to think about...

how comes that people who love us most manage to cause us the most pain? it seems really not logical, right? i mean that if you love someone and care about them and want them to be happy... how comes you make them suffer more than people who really dont care? 

work :)

last couples of weeks i am thinking about changing the job. not that i dont like this one but somehow i feel i can do more than they make me do and i want to  use all my abilities. besides the question of money is pretty important too. though the economical situation right now is quite stable, still i am not sure my boss will give me any raise in the next year, she is joust too greedy  )). still i think i will stay here for the winter and then may be will start looking for another job. of course i also can change my mind as i often do :P -- well... not really often (i usually make very smart decisions, hope this one is smart too)

now a bit about me. i am pretty good now, so good that i can be under these circumstances..

my emotional condition  is good, may be because i fully concentrated on my health problems which are getting worse and worse - i hate myself for not going to the doctors but i really cant make myself do this... i hate all the doctors especially after the summer spent in various hospitals :))

i sleep well.... ok-ok, not well, but at least without nightmares... though i cant sleep early and stay up late constantly

i dont eat anything but mainly because of the strict diet i have to live on now ))

ok... enough for today... should turn back to work now

i just decided that its time to update. i really wanted to write earlier but i couldnt make myself to do this - it is still quite painful and tales a lot of emotions. may be i am really too emotional but it is the way i am and i cant and dont want to change this.

 first about me: still pretty tired and have fever but now i know the reason because on friday i finally went to the doctor and found out what the problem was. it is still because of my OP in Juny and now i have again to go through some procedures and take a lot of meds. i wonder what happened with me this year - i never had helth problems before..

sleeping problems ... well i am still having them.. may be because of all the stress i have these last weeks

i am reading a lot now - when i read i dont feel my own pain, i feel the pain of the books characters - it is not that hard and i can hide my own emotions.

i am trying to live positive, to think positive - and be strong. i am almost able to control my emotions again. and i dont cry everytime when... ok.. it is not that important, may be still too personal )

i cant enjoy life as i did before but i am trying to live the best way i can right now.

may be the first time in my life i need some support in this. i never did before and always was able to cope with my difficulties alone - i'm afraid now i cant...may be later, but now i really cant..

page not found

today i logged into my accounts on my favourite website and thats what i have got to see...

Sorry

The requested document does not live here anymore.
I tried everyting.
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*
wants to find here?
*sigh*
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
Huh?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?
What kind of a life is that?
Two effing weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation, or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Figures, huh?
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed.

-seems everything is against me now..

it the first time in my life where i dont know what to do. i never felt sooo helpless. of course i had problems (who doesnt) but i always knew how to deal with them. even though it could take time, but i knew what to do. i always was so self-confident, may be even too much, i could control everything and was happy about that.

now i am lost and helpless and i dont know how to control my emotions - once i am depressed, then i am angry, nervous, frustrated, i cry a lot and i cant do anything about this. i thought is is my weakness, but now i realize that it also could be my strength - that it means that i still have this ability to FEEL and that i will be able to deal with my feelings, i will be able to control them - i dont know how and how much time i will need for this but i sure will do this. i'm afraid i have no choice or i will destroy myself which i dont want at all.

i guess it is good that i realize it now, at least i know what is wrong with me, even  though i dont know how to heal myself...

well... i do know this ... but it not possible.. so all what left for me is to survive another hard situation. i will ... i promise because  i am strong, right? ))

summer is finally over

Summer is finally over and autumn is here. it is very cold, and it is raining all the time. a good time to feel sad ))

here are my last summer pic,

And my first autumn pic )))

may be

i dont know...

whether it is true...

"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion."

yesterday before i fell asleep i had had a very nice conversation with myself. i seldom talk to myself and the conversation yesterday was really very informative ))

i would like to reproduct it here but i cant remember what i was talking about. i only have impression it was a good one ))

i know life is going on, and i dont have the right to be sad and depressed but i cant change now anymore. 

in addition to all the problems i got sick. i have fever every day and i know i should go to the doctor but i again am afraid of what i can hear.. it is difficult to explain .. i just dont want to go there anymore. it costs me too much powers..

i dont want to believe it but i'm afraid i have no choice.. "life is ours for making"? not at all!!! because we always depend on other people, on people we love, on people we used to be with.. i dont want to depend anymore but it is hard to get rid of the feeling that it is impossible.. may be i am weak... yes, sure.. i am weak but who cares...

and thank you, karen for the comment. i know you are always there as a friend ))

and even though i never leave comments to u, i always read ))

have a good day, everyone else  

so much pain deep inside

i am trying to convince myself that everything is normal, that life is going on no matter what, no matter how, no matter why...but it seems  i am lieing to myself .. and everytime i realize it i start crying - i know it is stupid but i cant stop myself.. it is stuck so deep inside of me and i cant let it out and it hurts.. so much pain .. i really cant anymore, life is getting unbearable. it seems i am in the depression phase and cant do anything with it. at least i realize it but i am not able to change anything.. the most dreadful thing is that i even dont want to do anything about itm i dont want anything at all. i want to be left alone but everytime i am alone it is even more harder, so unbearable..

my life changed, i changed and i cant say it is better so.. i am becoming weak and i cant let myself be weak. i need to stay strong but i dont know how, i dont know if it is possible..

i feel so lost, so sad, so ... dead and even though i realize it is not right, i am not able to do anything about it.. not now... may be later... may be 

now i realize how good it is when nobody is reading the stuff you write because you even dont have to limit the access to the blog, you just write to yourself and are sure that nobody else will ever get to read this.

anyway if there is anyone who by accidence got to read this, please, have the better days than i have, ok? 

i am lost

today i wanted to write about how i feel... but i had such a busy day that i cant think right now. all i can tell is that i feel lost... like a little girl who was forgotten by everyone ... who knows what it feels like to be left alone... i dont know what to do, i dont know where to go, i am too tired to think, i am too too tired to live - i want back to my childhood, to the times when the most painful experience was when you didnt get the toy you liked.. i am tired ...

and lost.. i want to cry but i cant because i will have to explain and i dont know what to say..

life can be so hard on us but somehow we always manage to survive and be a winner. i know i will this time too... i need time ... but i have lots of time ... my whole life..

strange statues around the world

no comments...

i am tired, sleepy and have fever. and i want to go home but my boss is really cruel and makes me work. i really hate her now. besides there is no sense in me working today. i cant concentrate because of terrible headache. all i do is just sitting in front of the computer and answering the calls from time to time. 2,5 hours more and i will go home and may be fall asleep...

last few days were not really good. i had fight with my dad, i had fight with my sister - i am tired of my family, they all somehow decided that they should teach me how to live and what to do. i love them very much, may be even more than they suppose i love them but sometimes i need a rest from my family because they are everywhere ...

guess who?

New template

I changed the design of the blog ))) the last one was too pink, this one i like better.

somehow i didnt need much time to change the layout, may be because i already have some experience with web-design and html, but as you can see i didnt change much, just the colors and pics