the last one

this is going to be my last entry on theblogs.net :)

i am not extremely sad about it and dont expect anyone to feel sad about it... i had good 10 months of being here, sharing my thoughts with the world, though this world was quite small :P

i've met some nice people through blogging and i have been happy here... but now it is time to move on. i just cant stay here because of some personal reasons :) even though i am happy again and am finally over it. still i dont want to be here anymore. i wont delete any of my entries. some of them were really good. sometimes i reread them and can see how much different i am now... at least my english has become a bit better  

i want to thank all of you who has been reading me and supported me all this time.

if some of you do want to read my blogs further you just have to ask :) write me at toplena@gmail.com and i will tell you the new url :)

ok, enough for now... it seems to be like the whole era ends now

here is the last pic i will ever post on theblogs.net

thank you very much and good bye :))

 

PS. the right e-mail address is top.lena@gmail.com

(thanks, abhay :P)

happy

i have learned.... after 9 months

since i am going to stop blogging here i was re-reading some of my entries here and had an absolutely new point of view to some of them. it shows for how different we are with the change of  time. 10 months and you see an absolutely different person ... and when you see and read the same words you have absolutely different meaning of them...

so here there are words that i have posted about 9 months ago... they are still very true but have a different meaning for me now :)

I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned-
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned-
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned-
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned-
That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

how are you? i am fine :)

well... the last couple of days were not that bad. after the realisation of the fact that nothing may go the way i wanted it to be for the last 10 months and may be it is really better so. i think it is really better so... i am adapting very well to this new situation and really like it a lot. may be not a lot but enough to feel myself protected from all the negative emotions and calm and not nervous about anything. just like myself, normal me again with no nighmares, no stress, no pains... i can smile again, just so.. without any reason like i did before the only one negative thing (well... may be not negative..) that i again have to rely only on myself and believe only in myself. but as most people on this planet i can manage this pretty well i am strong though i used to be weak last months.. time to be back and get my strength again life is peaceful at the moment, may be for the first time for the last 3 months and i enjoy it

decisions

“Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.”

 

- i made a decision, and i am sure it is the right one. i dont want to torture myself with all this. it is really to painful to bear. besides all thisstress causes physical pains and i was told by the doctor that if i dont stop doing it to myself i might end up in the hospital again which is something i really dont want to happen :)

i had a break down yesterday, had been crying for an hour non-stop and even after that i wasnt sure i cried all te pain out. i dont deserve this, do i? nobody does... i will not be able to go through something like that again, not in this life and not with him.. i want to be happy and it is impossible while i am thinking about the entire situation. i might as well finish writing blogs on theblogs.net because everything here reminds so much of him. i want completely  get rid of this feeling that is eating me from inside. and may be it will be the wrong decision and i am making a mistake but it is how i feel now - it is better for me so, i believe this truly... i changed myself or better to say he changed me - i guess it is better so because we need some change in our life... i cant say i learned a lot from this experience - just i again lost something so importand and will need time to get it back :)

i know i will be alright, i know he will be alright. i wish he will be happy because from all people on this planet he deserves happiness may be more than others.

with so much love in his heart...

 

wise words

i dont remember if i posted this before, anyways it even doesnt matter because i feel a need to post it :P

Wise words
===========
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.
 
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder
every time.
 
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
 
You'll fight with your best friend.
 
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
 
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose
someone you love.
 
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

"Girl"

yesterday i had a song on my mind which i couldnt remember at all - it was eating me yesterday and today until i finally remembered. :) the song is really great!!!

Artist - F.R. David

Song - Girl

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

You light up my life
You make the sun shine
And you keep away the rain
Sweet is your emotion

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and the harmony.

Babe, you're the only music of my life
if it never ends I'll never die
when you're happy makes me feel so good
when you sad I feel the same way too

you are my song

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

You light up my life
You make the sun shine
And you keep away the rain
Sweet is your emotion

Fly! Listening to you makes me feel so light.
You're the one who sends me in the sky
You control the rythm of my heart
And I hope that beat will never stop

You are my girl
you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.

the same old me

yesterday i had the first lesson with a new student ))) - i can say it is the best student i ever have given privat lessons. A 14 years old girl, her english is better than i expected it to be but most of all i liked how we could get along with each other from the very first minute. i really enjoyed  giving this lesson.

yesterday after the lesson i cama home pretty late - it was dark ouside already and i again realized how much beautiful my city is, especially at night :) 

PS and one more important thing - yesterday night i caught myself on smiling without any reason. it hasnt happened for the last couple of months )) - so i really  think i am finally back to myself, may be to a bit different me, but still a good one

Simple questions - simple answers?

life is good

i have recently got a comment that made me wake up. i dont want my life to be sad, i dont want my world to have black colors. it is not right so, it should be bright and i will do my best to make all the colors come back into my world. life is given us only one time and we cant allow ourselves to be like that, to waste our time on feeling sad and doing nothing. i dont want it any more. of course i know that life IS good and that love IS good though sometimes it is pretty hard to believe. but we all have some black periods and need someone who will be able to help us through  the final thing that made me wake up was those comment and i want to thank the person who left it for me. though i dont know your name (in that case i would say "thank you" directly :P) but thank you for the warm words coming from heart, the warm greetings from Washington :)

hugs

remember the hugs-thing? i still do need the hug, may be the biggest one people can give :)

*HUGS* TOTAL! give lena more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own

weekend update

my life is turning back to normal. of course i am not the same as i was a year ago when i started this blog (omg - i am actually writing in the blog for 10 months already, really hard to believe ) but we really will never be the same again after experiences we have had. i guess it is really better so because as we all know - what doesnt kill us, make us stronger  and that is really so. i am feeling better these days really much more better except for some pains i had this weekend .. i guess it is because last week was so crazy here at work that i didnt have time to eat properly, and actually ate something from the forbidden list - which is not good... i wonder for how long i will have to live according this stupid diet and avoid anything spicy... not that i dont like eating healthy :P just sometimes i really want something spicy or a piece of chocolate

as for mt life now.. it is really turning back to normal (well... normal is really different for different people ) i decided to give privat lessons again. pity i have to each english because really i would have preferred to teach german.. still dont feel that my english is good enough to teach someone ..well... half of the week i havelessons in the evenings and thats good, i really like the idea of teaching again.

alexandra was sick last week, had fever, we were afraid that it is again the same and she will have to go to the hospital again, but it never happened :) she is really ok now, but in my opinion she talks to much, just like her aunt

i have lots of dvds at home which are waiting for me to be watched but its pretty hard to find time for them. i started to watch a german movie "barfuss"(barefoot) which appeared pretty interesting to me but i couldnt finish it because i fell asleep (well... i didnt fall asleep because the movie was boring as you could have thought :P, just as i told you the previous week was anorm busy for me). when i get the chance to watch it up tp the end i will post a review here, i promise ))

i read a lot recently, mainly harry potter fanfiction - i really wonder how creative some people are ))

yesterday i finished Marc Levi's book "If only it were you" - a really good book which is recommended to be read though i can say that i liked the movie better :)

what good is love

_____________________________

dedicatedto a friend...the one who asked :)

i am ok

just an update to say that i am good... well... not really good, but it is ok... i am getting used to it. i managed to close one part of my soul from the entire world and from myself. it is like i made all my emotions sleep and they will wake up one day... i know that on that day it will be extremely hard to deal with them but i am ready to it if now i get some days of calm life when i dont cry about everything, when i dont think about..., when i do not suffer because my heart is closed and i dont want to let anyone in until the right moment comes. all i know that i am ready to wait for this moment as long as it is needed. i have my whole life for this..

it is indeed difficult to make one part of your heart hide from others, close from all the impact - i dont know for how long i will be able to maintain this, but it really doesnt matter because .. i dont know why, just so..  

when i dream at night

this is a song i have heard today on radio ( i love the man who first suggested using radio in mobiles ;)) and i wondered why i never paid to it attention - i really liked this one

Marc Anthony - When i Dream at Night 

I have been in love and been alone
I have traveled over many miles to find a home
There's that little place inside of me
That i never thought could take control of everything
But now i just spend all my time with anyone
Who makes me feel the way she does

Chorus:

'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Even though she's not real it's all right
'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Every move she makes holds my eyes
And i fall for her every time
I've so many things i want to say
I'll be ready when the perfect moment comes my way
I had never known what's right for me
Till the night she opened up my heart and set it free
But now i just spend all my time with anyone
Who makes me feel the way she does

Repeat chorus

'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Even though she's not real it's all right
'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Every move she makes holds my eyes
And i fall for her every time
Now i just spend all my time with anyone
Who makes me feel the way she does

Repeat chorus

'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Even though she's not real it's all right
'cause i only feel alive when i dream at night
Every move she makes holds my eyes
And i fall for her every time

just because you walk away..

friendship

i know i have posted this already but after having come across it again i couldnt resist on putting it in here again because every time i read this i smile and every smile now for me is very important

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."  - Winnie the Pooh -

for abhay

dear abhay!

i am not a liar and you probably know this :P

like i promised i am dedicating the entry to you speaking about my opinion about your drinking. as you see i am giving my best to keep my promises, so you really cant say anymore that i do not always say the truth. may be i am the very most honest person in the whole world you would find :P

as for drinking.. i told you many times thati do not like it because of some reasons. mainly because my own stepdad drinks too much and the whole family is suffering from this..

but i also know that nothing in the world (and less of all my opinion) will ever change you and your habits.. like cigarettes will ever stay your first love, drinks will be the second. btw..where is my place on your priorities list? ops... sorry i forgot.. you dont have one ;P

back to drinking.. you sure know that i will never make you do something you dont want to (i am not able to change you and honestly i dont want to and dont need to - it will be the priority of your gf, being on her place i really would change it - you know how stubborn i can be sometimes ;))

actually thats all i wanted to say, if you have any questions, you are welcome all the time - you sure know this )))

P.S. now i can say that you are a liar - you wanted to comment on my entries for long time but you never did, though i actually dont make you write something... if i want your opinion i know that you will always be there to answer my silly questions :P

P.P.S. the song is really very beautiful, thank you very much (i really hear you saying "my pleasure")

i do care

i wonder how can one just cut me off his life without any explanations. ok, may be i am not "the ideal girl"  but at least i think i do deserve to know what is this all about... it is not just easy to forget all about the person whom you have known for almost a year now... but there are still people who somehow really manage this. i dont know what to say...i would like to say i dont feel anything about this but it is not true - i do feel... may be even more than i would like to. it is unbearable in some way because i never thought it can be just like this. i try to be honest with myself, it is quite easy and i have lots of answers to the questions which never have been asked... and i wonder if they ever will...

everything is so different now, it is as if i am living a different life or better to say that someone else is living a different life, my life and i go with this different girl the same way watching her living my own life. and i dont want to take any part in it because i dont like how it is but still i have no choice but to come back in it - and i do come back, a bit more with each new day and it hurts more with each coming day... because coming back means to deal with all the feelings and emotions i tried to control these weeks. i am not sure if i am able to...well... it is not true... i am able to but i am afraid i am not ready to it... but i cant give me more time because the longer i wait the more difficult it may be to come back into life...sounds strange, doesnt it?

all i know about me and my feelings is that it would be so much easier not to care about this, not to love him, not to wait but human nature is sometimes so unpredictable (or may be predictable) that i cant ... i just do really care and thats all i can say now.