The Journey

I can't make a sound

That is how I feel as of late.  This whole entry is going back to Kara.  We got into another fight last night.  And it's all going back to her and her mother with the whole baby Wesley thing.  She is constantly talking about it, more ike venting.  I don't mind listening, but then I say something, and she takes it the wrong way.  And ends up getting all upset.  My words aren't ment to hurt her.  So, now she's upset with me again for what I said.  We talked about it last night, and I got off the phone thinking things were fine.  Then this morning I check my voicemail, and there's a message from her.  Apparently I said something last night, and upset her again!

I'm so frustrated.  I don't know what to do to fix this.  This really isn't my problem, but it's turning into my problem.  I've just started school, I don't need this additional stress add to my other things to worry about.  Things seriously need to get resolved.  Hopefully they will because right now, I feel like I can't say anything to her because my words will upset her.  And I don't want to upset her. 

Not much else to say. 

Ash

My tears are for your soul

My dear friend Terri has just died from brain cancer.  I'm so sad for her family and friends.  I'm also sad for the fact that I never got to say good-bye.  She got sick at the end of last semester, and I haven't seen her since April before she got sick.  I have this horrible sick feeling of grief in the pit of my stomach.  I feel the tears welling up as I'm typing this.  There was so much that I wanted to say to her, and now I don't have the chance to do so.  My heart goes out to her family and friends.  she is a truly wonderful person.  An angel sent from heaven to help others, that was Terri Stumphf. 

As I cry my tears will grieve for her.  My tears will will be for her soul.  A beautiful giving soul.  I will always love her.  She always told me that I was her angel, but she was mine.  She believed in me, and always gave me the love and support when I needed it.  She truly loved me.  She always told me that I was like her daughter.  My heart is full of sadness and lamented opportunities.  Terri was so young and so much she needed to do, now she'll never get that chance.  But now she's at peace in Heaven wrapped up in God's love.  Terri, god bless god keep.

Ashley

It's been awhile

Wow, it's been a super long time since I've updated this thing.  Where to start.  I'm taking a summer class, and it ends next Thursday.  Then I have more week of summer left and it's back to school.  Yuck, back to school.

Taking this summer class has made me think about a lot of things about being a teacher.  It's still my passion, but interacting with my classmates has really made me think about things.  Like yesterday, my teacher and I were talking.  And we have to work in these groups for a big project.  And my group absolutely sucks.  They find it real difficult to include me in things.  And my teacher was telling me that maybe they have some unconscious bias about people who have disabilities.  And that really got me thinking, what if that's true.  It's a real  possibility.  But I don't know if they would actually admit to me.  This a topic I would like to address to the whole class, and get their take on it.  Maybe I'll have to do that soon.

Really not much else to say.  School has pretty much consumed my time.  That's all for now.

Ash

I keep on trying

This whole Kara situation just has me going nuts.  I thought we worked everything out.  But now, I'm second guessing things.  We got into it again last night.  But this time, it was all my fault.  I was laughing at something, and didn't realize that by me laughing, I was hurting her feelings.  I  didn't realize I was doing anything wrong.  But right after, I realized.  I  apologized, but I don't think Kara wanted to hear it right then.  I totally respect that.  Sometimes when we are hurting, i it's hard to hear someone's apologizes.  But I told I didn't mean to hurt her.  I wasn't rying to hurt her.  I told her maybe we need some space to think things over.  That she could call me when she was ready to talk.  When you are calm down, you can think better and therefore talk better.  I was calm last night.  She was upset for good  reason.  So we  hung up. 

So, I woke up this morning and she left me a voicemail.  She apologized.  And she said that she wanted to talk, but she wanted me to call her back.  That's fine with me, but I'm a bit confused about something.  I don't understand why she was apologizing to me.  I'm the one who hurt her feelings.  Why was she apologizing?  I need to do that, and I will. 

Sometimes, I can't wrap my head around this.  I try to be a good friend, but I always say something to make her upset.  Is it me?  I really don't know.  I know I should address these concerns with her, but I think apart of me is scared.  I'm scared about what she might say.  I don't want our friendship to end.  So, if she's my friend, she'll hear me out.  So, I will go and see her tomorrow hopefully and fix things.  Some things are better fixed in person.

Okay, enough with this dume and gloom.  Tonight I'm going to Allison's party.  I think a party is exactly what I need right now.  It will do me some good to see my university friends.  I need to get away from this craziness of my verbal vomit. 

Ashley

Walking on eggshells

I just don't know what to do.  I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells with Kara.  She's one of my best friends, and she says that I get her.  But sometimes I really wonder.  I can never tell what kind of mood she'll be in.  And when I think she's in a good mood, she's not.  And then there's me.  I never know what I'll say will set her off.  I don't try to hurt her, but in some way my words find some way to hurt her or make her mad.  I spend my time thinking so hard before I talk to her, that it's hard to talk to her. 

Like yesterday for example.  I said something to her, just teasing.  And she gets upset.  And completely hangs up on me.  I knew she was upset cause she always says bye and she didn't that time.  So, I figured I pissed her off, and she needed some time to calm down.  And later she calls me and apologizes for blowing up.  She says it was her and not me. 

She always says it's her  and not me.  So, if it's her, then why can't she do something about it.  If she's the problema nd not me.  Why can't she think before she speaks.  I love her, she's  one of my best friends.  And I want to help her.  But I just wonder if her attitude will end up destorying our friendship.  I sure hope not.  But that's my fear right now.

Not much else to say.

Ashley

Season of Love

Okay, I went to Holly's wedding on Saturday.  And Katy's wedding is in two weeks.  So, that will be another wedding I'm attending.  Is anyone sensing a theme here??  I was at Holly's reception and I started thinking about love and boyfriends.  Or maybe the lack of a boyfriend in my life.  Sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever find that special guy.  I'm almost 24, and so far no boyfriend.  I just wonder when my time will come.  I know I have time.  But sometimes I truly wonder.  I wonder if a guy could love me because of my disability.  Would a guy have issues with my visual impairment? Would he want to be with me knowing I'm different.  I want to get married and have kids.  I want the whole family package.  I just really wonder if it will ever happen. 

Okay, enough with the questions.  So, I found out that my summer class is a go.  I was thrilled when I found this out.  Thank goodness.  I'll still be able to graduate in the spring.  My plans are still on a go.   

Not much else to update.  Things have been kinda boring.

Ashley

Frustration

As I said in my last entry, I'm taking a summer class this summer.  I need to takee this class to be able to graduate in the spring.  And I just found out that the class might be cancelled because not enough people have signed up for the class.  You need at least 10 people in a class,a nd 9 have signed up.  The class starts July 17, and I'm hoping more will sign up.  But if I can't take this class, I don't know what I will do.  I have a full schedule in the fall.  And in the spring, I'm doing an internship along with another class.  And you can only take one class while internning.  So, I'm kinda stuck.  I'm just crossing my fingers hoping things work out for the summer.

Sometimes, I feel as if God is playing games with me.  Things are fine for while, then something happens to almost test me.  I know that God has a plan for everyone, but I've had such turmoil regarding school in the past 2 years.  I was hoping that things would be smooth sailing till graduation.  But guess not.  Guess, God wants to keep me on my toes.

Really not much else to update.  I'm going to a wedding on Saturday.  Should be a lot of fun.  I've got to go dress shopping  though.  Um, shopping is always interesting.

Ashley

The Week from Hell

Yep, in a way, that's what my week has been.  My parents and sisters went to Mexico for a week, and my grandmother came up to spend this week with me.  Normally, I find this to be great.  I love my grandma, but she can be very overprotective.  And this week was no exception.  Before my mom left, she told my grandma that it was all right for me to go to Kara's house to have some sleepovers and just do little various things with friends.  My grandma let me go just fine, the first night, cause my mom said it was okay.  But the rest of the week, it was like pulling teeth to be able to do anything.  It was so annoying.  I'm 23, not 5.  But she treats me like I am.  My parents treat me with more independence, and my grandma doesn't seem to get that.

And the one thing that gets is her comments about my clothes.  A few days ago, I was wearing these shorts with this tank top, and she said I wasn't appropriately dressed.  I'm like, I wear these clothes all the time.  And nobody has a problem with them.  And I just walked away.  I think she got the point cause she didn't say anything else.  And to top off my stellar week, I found out that my summer class might be canceled cause not enough students are signed up for it.  I sure do need this class to be able to graduate in May.  I don't know what I'll do if it's canceled.  I just hope it's still able to be in session. 

My parents and sisters are coming ome later on today.  Thank goodness.  I miss them so much, and I'm at the point where I want to pull my hair out.  Even the dogs are getting tired of things. 

Deep  cleansing breath.  Okay, rant finished.

Ashley

The F Word

Food is the word of the day.  I just don't understand my thinking.  Yesterday I write in here that I'm finding guilt still in eating sweets.  And what do I do??  I eat sweets yesterday.  A Fudge Round, ice cream, and a Take 5 candy bar.  Not all at once of course.  And afterwards, I feel the guilt.  One thing I do find comforting about this is that I don't feel so guilty that I don't feel the need to get rid of my food.  I could never do that to myself.  I coped with my disgusting food choices by working out this morning.  I did a 30 minute workout and felt much better about myself.

So, I think I might of found a balance of thinbgs.  I need will power, and most times I have that.  I'm PMSing this week,a nd I think that's part of the problem.  And if I eat right and have sweets in extreme moderation, with a combination of working out, I think I'll be fine.  And my guilt won't be as bad.  Kelly and Lena's comments have helped grately.  And I've thought about them in the past 24 hours.  Moderation is the key to happiness.

Not much  else to say.  I'm going shopping tonight for summer clothes.  Should be interesting to see what I come up with.

Ashley

Party

Courtney had her graduation party yesterday.  It went well.  But there were some parts that made me upset.  First the good stuff.  The weather was actually pretty good.  It started off kinda glummy, but then shaped up to be pretty nice.  I saw some old high school teachers and my old high school principals.  It was great to see everyone again.  Mr. Woods  children are so sweet.  Karly and Kyle are the cutest 2 year olds.  Mr. Woods is still the sweetest guy, ever cracking jokes.  Good times.

Now, for the unpleasant stuff.  My cousin and his wife were supposed to come with their son, who is one.  But they didn't show up.  Their excuse, the baby is teething.  But he's been done teething for a while now.  They couldn't even call to tell us that they weren't coming.  His mother, my aunt had to tell us.  She too made me upset.  She drives 2 hours to our house,a nd only stays for like 45 minutes because she and her boyfriend have to leave for another party.   And she told us that she would be staying for at least 2 hours.  We haven't seen her in like a year, and she can't even give us the time of day except for 45 minutes!  That really hurts. 

I know that every family has a member like this.  But boy, can they ever be frustrating.  You would think they would want to spend time with us.  Oh well, guess one can't dwell on the things you can't change.

I woke up this morning with the whole food feeling back.  I'm feeling guilty for what I ate, or in my case, what I didn't eat.  I had like no sweets yesterday, except for some cookies last night.  And now we have cake left over, and I went down for breakfast this morning,and it was just staring at me.  I want it, but I don't.  I hate feeling this way.  It's just one slice of cake, I jshould just eat it and get over it.  But I just feel so bad.  These feelings are driving me nuts.

Ashley

Graduation

This was one emotional weekend.  My younger sister, Courtney graduated from high school on Saturday.  Courtney and I have never been very close.  But this weekend, I felt that we got closer.  I was so proud of her.  She's worked so hard all four years and she deserved every wonderful thing that has come her  way.  I know wonderful things are in store for her. 

Last night, Courtney, Lindsay, and I sat up for hours just talking.  We haven't done that forever.  We talked about everything.  She wanted to talk about university and everything that has happened in high school.  It was so nice for Lindsay and I.  I feel as if Courtney and I have connected on some level.  I hope once she starts university she and I will get closer.  She can be so difficult to live with sometimes, but I truly dolove her.  And I know she loves me too. 

So, Saturday, at my sister's graduation, I saw my old high school guidance counselor.  We were very close in high school.  She came up to me and gave me the biggest hug.  I really didn't realize how much I missed her until then.  We talked for a bit and it was like we'd  been doing it forever.  She's one of the warmest people I know.  She kept telling me how proud she was of me.  She says wonderful things are in store for me.  I truly hope she is right.  At any rate, it was so nice to see her again.  And I know with me graduating university next spring, that was my last time seeing her.  That's kinda sad in some ways, but I know that my time has come to move along.

Well, that's about it.  Courtney's graduation jparty is Saturday.  That  should be interesting. 

Ashley

Food

It seems like in the past week my outlook on food has changed.  I'm all about eating healthy foods.  In fact, I try to eat healt\hy foods often.  But lately, since I've moved home for the summer, I've been slacking.  I'll eat cookies or ice cream, and after eating them, I'll instantly feel guilty.  It's like I'll feel so bad for eating them.  I don't want to go throw it up by any means.  But I feel bad for lkike eating more then one serving of a sweet.  I feel like I then need to punish myself for the rest of the week.  And that punishment would be no sweets for the rest of that week.

My health teacher from this semester keeps playing in my head.  Moderation is good.  YOu can eat all things juist as ling it's in moderation.  But I so don't feel that way.  When I eat those damn  sweets, I feel that I've eaten to much of them and that I don't deserve anymore for that week.  Am I wrong to be feeling this way?  Am I going crazy??

I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way.  It's kinda scary cause I just started having these feelings with in the last week.  And it makes it even worse cause I'm going to all these graduation parties in the next few weeks.  And there's bound to be sweets there.  I know I should say no, or only take one.  Or eat fruit instead of the cake or cookies.  But I can't resist them.  There has to be a healthy balance.    I need to find that.

Ash

The blahs

Okay, the weather sucks.  It fits my mood perfectly.  A sucky mood.  I totally blame the weather.  I woke up this morning feeling like crap.  But I thought it will all get better once I go to school.  I love seeing my kindergarten kids and they so cheer me up.  But alas, Denise calls me and tells me that all three girls are sick.  Poor little things.  So, now I'm stuck at home for a dark rainy day.  Today is truly going to suck. 

I haven't even been off a week from school, and I'm going insane.  I hate being bored.  And that's all I've been since I've been home.  This feeling just has to stop.  I hate it.  Muy one teacher says that you can experience stress from not having anything to do.  Well, I think I'm there.  I've  gotta find something to do and something constructive to make myself feel good.

Finished for now

Well, the smester is officially over.  My final seemed to breeze by.  It truly wasn't  that bad.  I think I did well on  it.  Now the waiting begins.  I absolutely hate waiting for my grades to be posted.  I feel like my stress doesn't end till I know my grades for the semester.  Hopefully they will be good.

This semester has been so wonderful, I almost don't want it to end.  I always hate going home for the summer.  All my friends are here at university.  And when I'm home for summer it can be so lonely sometimes.  University is so different from high school.  In high school summer was always so fun cause you still saw your friends.  But now in university, friends leave for the summer.  With everyone living in different places it's difficult to get together.  I still have one close from high school I still talk to.  So, I plan on seeing her quite a bit this break. 

Well, it's official.  I'm finally a senior.  I never thought it would get to this point.  I've worked so hard the past 4 years, and it all paid off.  Just one more year of school.  Then onto bigger and better things.  Next year should be fun and interesting.  A lot of new experiences are coming my way for school next.  I'm  actually looking forward to next semester.  Okay, you can tell I'm a dork when the  semester has just ended, and I'm already looking forward to next semester.

Oh well, here's to a nice relaxing summer full of fun and margaritas.

Ashley

Losing Motivation

Monday starts finals week.   And I only have one final.  You would think I would be happy about it??  Well, I am.  But I so don't want to study.  I'm usually very motivated.  People tell me that I'm the most motivated person they know, but I don't feel it.  It's the hardest thing to study right now.  But I know I have to.  I have straight A's going right now, and I want to keep that up.  It looks great for grad school.  So, here's hoping I can keep my motivation at least till Tuesday.  Then it will be over and summer can begin.  Well, guess I better go and attempt to study.

Ashley