I have always prided myself on being a controlled person.  I shouldn't say always when I was younger I had a lot of problems with anger but throughtout the years I have overcame them and learned how to handle myself.  I did this by making decisions and coming up with plans before I needed them.  People joke about me being a stategic thinker and that I plan everything out.  Which is true, I do that to make sure that I am never caught off guard by a situation and don't fall victim to my own impulses.  It was a good plan for a long time all the way untill tonight when I did two things that I cant accept.

       First, I hit a friend over a girl who is not even mine.  I saw him looking at her in what I took to be the wrong way so before I even could stop myself I hit him, however I managed to pull back from the punch at the last second making it seem like really rough playing.  Never the less I did something horrible, and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I dont value to many things more than my friends so when I do something to one of them it really bothers me. 

        Second, I went back on a promise to myself.  I had deceided that I was going to get over the same girl.  I haved loved her for a longtime.  I was engaged once, and if we had married I think that we would have stayed together, and till this day i think of my ex.  I say all that to say this, I Love this girl so much more, everything seems right with her, everything makes sense and makes me happy.  I love her so much that even though I can't have her i stay at her side, because friends dont stop friends from being happy, and she needs me not as much as I need her but she someone like me in her life.  With that being said I wanted to be tough for her and us and make our friendship work.  Yet, I cant seem to stop feeling this way for her.  She represents my best dreams and my worst nightmares.  I am a huge buffy fan and I was saw an episode where spike went crazy on buffy because he couldnt have her.  Buffy didnt want him because he was a monster, she was willing to give her body to him but not her heart.  Nobody wants to take a monster home.  And There it is.  I'm her monster.(Breakthrough for me folks!)

         So here or the choices that I am faced with, I can either stay away from her until my feelings go away (not likely)  or I can continue to suck it up and be her friend which is the only way that we both stand a chance at happiness.(more Likely)  At first glance this decision seemed really tough for me then I thought back on tonight my happiest thought wasnt watching the superbowl and seeing my team win(Way to go Steelers), it was the 20 minutes before the game playing a video game with her.  Leting her win and watching her laugh.  I've accepted that will never have her but I dont like it. 

          She makes me laugh.  She makes me want to cry.  As much as I hate the fact that i cant have her I dont think i could make it through a day with out her.  I look at her and think how pretty and perfect she is, and even in this ugly world such beautiful things dont end up with monsters.  I could never choose against her.  Not when only my happiness is at steak.  With that said I dont like wanting something that i cant have and will Actively work on finding a way to fix the problem.  When she reads this I want her to know that she is not the cause of my heart ache and that i dont blame her, i only blame myself, she has always been honest and fair with me about her feelings and while i done truely understand them i respect her for telling me how she honestly feels. 

          I wrote this blog for myself because i couldnt understand how i was feeling and after 35 minutes of typing i think i finally have some perspective on the situation.  Perspectinve or not I still wish that she would just fall madly in love with me and we could resolve this whole ordeal.  Seriously, I am a step away from trying a love potion.

           As far as my friend goes he knows why I hit him and I dont expect him to bring it up because men normally dont do that kind of thing.  I know tat i should apologize but i dont think that i will.  Men dont normally do that.

nothing else to say............