So I had my big moment.  Saturday night I had a thought to myself, I said Twyon you have to do this one thing or you will never forgive yourself.  So I did it, I bet as big as i could on love, I threw it all into the table hoping to win big.  Boy was that a mistake.  I lost so bad that I dont even know where i am now, or I dont care where I am now, whichever.  I wish I had the strength to cry, the strength to be weak just this once.  I dont know where I am, the man in the mirror isnt me anymore.  I just wanted to be happy, is that so bad?  Now i am worse than when I started, how did it come to this.  I hate myself for not believing what I knew to be true.  She could never love me.  She told me that she doesnt feel that way time and time again, but I keep trying.  Well not anymore.  I cant rely on love to bring me happiness, and I cant rely on happiness to bring me love.  I hate that i cant hate her, that she remains so perfect to me and like the angel she is just a little bit out of reach.  If only I could cry maybe I would feel better, Hell maybe not.............