Life is so crazy, I am young without children and a wife, and do okay for myself so why am i never happy for more than a moment.

Crazy fact about me, I am truely a self desturctive person. I have skills that mean that i should be doing more with my life but i dont, i dont know why. Its upsetting but true.

Ex. like love, i can name the three women in life who i have loved enough to make great sacrifices for, funny things is that none of them felt the same way. its a horrible feeling to love someone that doesnt love you and yet i have managed to do this on three seperate occasions. Its the chick in me that believes in love and true happines, and the warrior in me that says that one day i will win and i just need to hold on a little bit longer. of course the lawyer that i am doesnt think either is right but whenever i can get a lover and a fighter to agree on something i stick with it.

last night i was hurt by a conversation i had with a friend, i found out some info that i was previously unaware of, what hurt wasnt the intel but the fact that i wasnt previously aware. secrets between friends suck. she made me feel as if she had a completely different life that i was unaware of, that i didnt really know her at all, because at heart i am a fact finder i was happy to learn something new. it made me feel as if she thought i was such a punk that i couldnt handle info that i wouldnt like, as if i have never had bad news in my life. i know that she thought that she was protecting me ut what man wants to be shielded by a woman. now i wonder if she doesnt like because of who i am or because of who i am not.

eitherway with the new info that i now have i should just give up and throw in the towel. that would be the lawyer talking.

warriors dont give up until the field can no longer be fought on, translation= until she decides someone else i will be there fighting for her. some things cant be given up on in life, i truely believe that she is one of them. i would stop tomorrow if i thought i wasnt in her best interest but i know that i am the best man for her.

i damn the world not because i am angry but because i am frustrated, the only thing worse than running a race you know you are going to lose is not being able to stop running it.

damn the world........