Sep. 9, 2007 - My board role playing game link.

http://tohon.proboards51.com/index.cgi

This game is called"The Legand of the Black Cougar"

Sep. 9, 2007 - MySpace link.

myspace.com/tohon1865

My one of my little online homes.

Sep. 9, 2007 - My other journal

http://www.journalvillage.com/BlackUnicorn/journal/

This is for my story called"The Dream of the Black Unicorn"

The unicorn is named Midnight Sheen. He my unicorn in the story. Cute isn't he?

Sep. 9, 2007 - My yahoo role playing game link.

http://goups.yahoo.com/group/FantasyValley

I hope you can come and check it out! An maybe join in!

Jun. 12, 2007 - hey

*sigh*

for some reason im feeling really down now, and i dont know why. i guess im just needing to chat about the random stuff on my mind.

a lot has happened since my last blog. ive started at college, moved out of my mothers to doncaster, got engaged, again!

my fiance, sam, is great, but in donnie everybody calls him silas, dunno why, guess theres too many sams around. he's really tall, with long black hair, and i love him.

we have fights, i mean, what couple doesnt? i dont think theirs are quite as violent tho. last week we got into a fight about a pudding thing! he ended up throwing it at the window, which then hit me. lol i now have bruises all down my left arm, but you should see the one's on him! the great thing is, when he realises he's really hurt me, he gets all upset too and trys to make it all better, its great.

now ive cheered up a bit.

xxx

Dec. 4, 2006 - life and everything

im happier now than before, my life has started looking up.

i technically have a boyfriend, rex, the dick i was with before, only now he has another girlfriend this one 3 months pregnant with his baby, but he still wants to go out with me

only now i live in barnsley and he lives in huddersfield, so i barely see him. im breaking up with him if i find someone else i want to go out with.

ive started smoking again with all the stress ive been under, plus with my new job life is stressful. i now work in  a shoe shop, lol.

i might be moving out of my mums finally, a friend of mine has been looking at a house to rent but its 4 bedrooms so she needs 3 other people to move in too, so ive said i would, its only £32.50 a month, so 50p more than i pay my mum at the minute, and fully furnished so hopefully i will be moving out soon.

anyway thats all for today

xx

Oct. 16, 2006 - crap happens

this is my first blog in ages, and a lot has happened.

i'd better start from the beginning

i met this really nice, cute guy called david, he was a witch and we started going out.

then a couple of days later he broke p with me to go out with this other girl.

but he couldnt stay away

a couple of days later he was back with me again, but at the same time, dating this other lass in  cambridge.

i knew about her but wasnt particulary bothered.

then he started to be a jerk, started demanding more emotionally, kept trying to tap into my power to strenghen himself.

i didnt like that so i broke up with him soon after.

meanwhile, while going out with david, i met this guy called kym, he was a satanist and had enough of his own power so he wouldnt tap into mine. 10 minutes after i broke up with david me and kym started going out. now kym was 31, but that didnt bother me. david did though, he kept wanting to get back with me saying he was in love with me, when all he was in love with was my power.

and after a while me and kym started drifting apart.

he was mad about this lass called kaleigh, a friend of mine, and i mean he really fancied her, she was all he would ever go on about. then he got a new job which meant i didnt see as much of him as i used to.

i was very depressed.

one night a big group of us went out, and for that night kym said he didnt mind  who i got off with as long as he could snog kaleigh. i said yes.

that night i eneded up snogging 3 lasses and 4 lads, including my best mate and kyms best mate.

then i ended up having sex with my friend cory, when kym was only a short distance away.

i told  kym what happened, and i broke up with him, then my life went downhill.

i started going out with this lass called rose, really cute, but she broke up with me after a day coz she didnt want to admit to her parents she was bi, so that didnt end too good, and now every guy ive found will flirt or snog me at first then turn round and say they dont want a girlfriend and my life just sucks and i dont know what to do.

i just want to cry

Aug. 1, 2006 - hello!!!

guys.....

in case you hadnt noticed.....im back

a bit of love and attention would be nice *sniffle*

lol

love arcadia

Jul. 26, 2006 -

I wish I could make all of the **** in my life go away.  I wish I could stop being so angry with everyone and stop making everyone so angry at me.  I wish I could just fix it all.  I wish I could fix me.  I wish my dad would stop being such an asshole.  I wish he would actually start giving a **** about me.  I wish I wasn’t such a dead-beat.  Or at least destined to become one.  All of the things people think about me seem to be wrong.  People either think the worst of me or they think the best of me.  I can’t take it.  It’s too hard for me.  And if what everyone keeps telling me is true, life just goes downhill from here.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to stay in it.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to put up with being treated like **** by everyone including myself.  I’m sick of fighting.  I’m sick of all of it.  I’m sick of my life, I’m sick of my dad, I’m sick of myself.  I’ve been fighting the crazies for way too long and I’m just not willing to put forth any more wasted effort.  Let it be a blank white screen.  If I could die tomorrow, I would.  I wish I was in a coma.  Then maybe they could all hold onto knowing that I wasn’t dead, but I could still get away.  I wouldn’t have to be my own parent any more.  I wouldn’t have to be a father to my dad any more.  I wouldn’t have to be the good niece/granddaughter any more.  I would just be ‘that poor little girl in a coma’.  I wouldn’t have to be a good friend any more, or a good student.  I wouldn’t have to go to work and think that they’re just looking for an excuse to fire me.  I would never have to feel like I was ‘bad’ again.  I would just be oblivious.  Comatose.  Close enough to dead to make me happy, and far enough away from it to make everyone else happy.  And then maybe one day, I’ll just die out of the blue.  People die every day.  People go into comas every day.  So why hasn’t it happened to me?  It’s not like I want or deserve to live anyways, so what’s the harm in one more added to the death toll? 

Jul. 24, 2006 -

No one really listens.  I don’t think anyone ever listened in the first place.  We’re all too busy listening to our own crying in the dark to realize there are other people in the dark right beside us sobbing long into the night.  That’s my problem, you see.  I keep relying upon other people to listen, other people to save me, but they won’t.  The problem is, I have to save myself, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to save myself.  Because that will only confirm the fact that I’m all alone, and I’d rather hold onto the false, feeble belief that there is someone out there who wants to save me.  Even if there is, I think by the time they find me it’ll be too late.  I’ll have died from self neglect, just like my mother.  In the end we’re all destined to become our mothers.  I guess that wouldn’t be so bad, because I loved my mother, but she was always so lonely and sad, and I’m tired of being lonely and sad, I don’t want to be lonely and sad.  You wonder why I’m writing all of this, probably.  Why I’m putting this somewhere where strangers can read this and pass judgment over my pathetic excuse for a reality.  I’m writing this to stay alive.  Because if I’m not writing this, then I’m just crying alone in the dark with no one to save me.  I don’t want to go back there.  Not again.

I think people enjoyed reading my last blogs.  They were funny, angsty, and petty.  They don’t like this one.  They read this and instead of thinking how young and naive I am as they did with the last one, they think I’m selfish, sad, pathetic, and even pettier than that other blog could ever have been.  But when I write in this one, I’ve got nothing left.  People have sucked it all out of me.  They’ve filed me away as someone funny.  That’s all they want to hear.  The jokes and the laughter.  I’m not funny, and I don’t think I ever was.  I don’t think anyone has really ever found me amusing, only in the way that it’s kind of funny when someone walks into a pole or falls off their bike and skins their knee.  “Boy, look at that person, they just hurt themselves!  That’s pretty funny!  I enjoy watching your pain.”

Jul. 23, 2006 - some poems i wrote last year while i was bored in class...

how can something be correct

when it is wrong?

foolish girl to hope

to think you could belong

most fall down from above

you didn’t fall down;

you fell in love

you fell up.

then you fell down on your knees

and now, don’t you know,

you can’t fall up

you must be lifted.

but who will be there to raise you up?

I am a fool.

For you

Does that make it any better?

I think it just worsens matters…

I love you

IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

Like a fool

I wear my jester’s hat

Festooned with silk and bells

But you pass me by

Unaware of the sadness behind my smile

You could never guess that you’re the reason for that,

Could you?

So I must say it again,

I am a fool.

i am weak

in my immaturity

face of a child laughing

then the cherub’s face

is contorted

in childish rage

moon eyes

moon face

i am a child of the moon

burbling happily

until my wants are ignored

childish love and admiration

shines in my moon eyes

my lip juts out

in a pout

when affection is not returned

“Mine!”

i shout to the moon

but she belongs to no one

Jul. 23, 2006 - list of my fears (some of 'em are kinda weird... lol)

1. atomic bombs/radiation sickness
2. hospitals/doctors
3. nasty diseases (black plague, small pox, rabies, STDs, diabetes, etc.)
4. big huge trucks (semi’s)
5. rapists and creepy guys (i.e. donald sutherland and his son kiefer *shivers*)
6. the shadow thingies on Ghost that take the bad guys to hell
7. being possessed/satan/some diabolical force
8. becoming a bad person
9. slipping on ice
10. mold
11. fruit
12. not being good enough
13. dying too soon

Jul. 21, 2006 - goodbye for now...

 There are so many things that I want to say but I find that I am no longer able to say them honestly within this blog. I am going to take some time off for awhile and try to work out my problems as best as I can. Who knows, perhaps one day I might be able to continue my humble little blog page once again. Soon I will be starting the next chapter of my life so perhaps this will be the clean start that I have been needing for awhile. If you see someone in trouble, try your best to help them out. We may not be able to change the world right away but a simple act of kindness will always be remembered by both parties involved and thus will continue to be passed along to the next person. One person at a time and eventually we will be changing the world for the better. Good luck to everyone and may you all be able to solve your own individual problems on your own terms.

- Chol

Jul. 21, 2006 - "All By Myself"...

Title: "All By Myself"
Artist: Eric Carmen

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Jul. 20, 2006 - weird dream.....

Jul. 20, 2006 - darkness

Jul. 18, 2006 - new apartment...

Jul. 18, 2006 - "In My Dreams"...

I used to think I was the only one.
Who never knew what it was like to fall.
But you came along, changed all the rules that day.
And just for a moment I had it all. 
You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.
I'll hold you in my dreams.

Now I go on here in my lonely world.
But there's still a bridge I cannot cross.
I can't let go so please forgive me, girl.
'Cause God only knows all that I've lost.

You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.

You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.
I'll hold you, I'll hold you, in my dreams.

Jul. 18, 2006 - "The Godfather II, III"...

Jul. 17, 2006 - Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.