drowning again.

like a pathetic dog I slunk back to Bar with my tail between my legs. The sadness of it doesn't even strike me because I don't feel anything. He is a horrid excuse for a man, nothing more than an over grown child really, but sometimes he holds me..and I feel safe. I can pretend that he loves me and that I am fine. I'm not fine. I think about suicide every day. The cowards way out I know but everything seems so pointless to me. It seems a bit dramatic but I have had very few moments in my life that I have been truly happy. This happiness usually revolves around another person and relying on that relationship to stay happy gets me nothing but pain in the end. I know I need to make myself happy but I don't know how. I hate being alone, but lately being with someone is more painful because I know it isn't real. They will play games and lie and eventually leave all for the sake of their own pleasure. This little charade inevitably leaves me alone and questioning.

9:47 PM - Jan. 30, 2006 - post comment