Spring again.

Yay. It's spring again! I went to the Corrections academy and graduated on January 25th 2008. I've been working at Sullivan Correctional facility for three months now. I like the job, it can be a little boring, but boring is good when it comes to being a corrections officer. Working with convicted felons all day definitely changes your perspective on things. The pay is good but I still can't seem to make ends meet. I know i'll get caught up at some point it's just very frustrating right now. I still haven't sold the cabin. I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Losing that payment would help me quite a bit.

10:29 PM - Apr. 20, 2008 - comments {0} - post comment

the start of something.

Okay, so I heard from the corrections academy and I'm scheduled to start December 3rd. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself and get sent home. I'm not in good shape, at all. I was supposed to work on that this summer but I just never did. I have about a month to work on it. I need to get my ass in gear. I'm not sure what to expect, I don't even know if I'll be able to do this job, but I need to do something that has some sort of future in it. Waitressing/bartending is fun but it has no benefits and the money is sporatic. I need something steady with benefits.

Noel and his girlfriend broke up. My god he's cute, but very hard to read. I'm not sure if he's flirting or if he's just like that with everyone. hmm..doesn't really matter, i'm leaving soon anyway.

One of the good things about the corrections field is that the majority of them are men. My chances of finding someone will be good.

I'll have to leave my hometown wich could be difficult with Aidan and Jacob. The custody arrangement would have to be changed. and I'd have to find someone good to watch Aidan. I won't let him be watched by just anyone. It's going to be challenging but I need to do this. I've become so lazy and complacent. I needed something that would completely change my life...this is definitely one way to do it.

11:30 PM - Nov. 4, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Good.

First i'll start off by saying what I'm thankful for because I don't do that enough.

I'm thankful for my boys, they are both healthy and relatively well behaved.

I'm thankful for the help my family gives me.

I'm thankful that I don't live in a third world country.

I'm thankful that I just got a new job at The Great Escape Lodge.

I'm thankful that I have people renting my cabin so I don't have to worry about the mortgage anymore.

I'm sure there are more things...

Since my last entry..Alex and I have become really good friends...i miss him now that he's in Chicago. He finally met his "blue eyes" and they are absolutely infatuated with each other. I'm happy that he's happy, but sad that I'm not.

I got a new job at the Great Escape Lodge as a housekeeper. Although I know it's not a glorious job it will be a big step to paying off my bills.

1:11 PM - Nov. 1, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

oy

Still swimming with the sharks, and I only have one leg left. I still haven't sold the house and I'm starting to think it will never sell. I decided to list it in the papers to rent and I have quite a few responses but so far nobody has signed a lease. I did have a guy come look at it today that seemed impressed so I'm hoping he'll rent it. He seemed nice and responsible and he had a good job so I wouldn't have to worry about getting the rent. I am so behind in all of my bills. If I don't send the mortgage company 1500 by the end of this month they are going to start foreclosure then I won't have to worry about renting anything. This sucks. I just want to be stable again. I was so stupid jumping into this. I love the cabin though, i'm really hoping things will work out so that I can keep it. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

My love life is still pretty much nill. I haven't had sex in almost two years. MY GOD. I really don't miss it all that much though. I'm pretty content being on my own. Love will find me when it feels like it. I have a little bit of a crush on the manager of the Long View. He's derranged but I think that's why I like him. oy. He's also married and completely off limits, but it's nice to get the looks sometimes. Jason finally got back in touch with me, it's been like two weeks. i was starting to get worried about him. He says he's okay but he's been whoring, drinking and smoking even more than before and I can tell that he's really down. I wish we lived closer so I could help more. I'm am VERY not in love with Bar anymore. It was weird. One day I was talking to him and I just snapped. I was repulsed by him...since then I haven't even had a spasm of feeling for him which makes my life a lot less complicated.

The foreign students from the Long View have gone home all except for Alex and Sebi. Zuzi and Paul when home, they lived in Slovakia. They were such a sweet couple. They never had a bad word about anyone. Iryna was from Bella Ruse and she was nice but very quiet. I didn't really get a chance to know her because we didn't work together a lot. Alex and Sebi come from Romania. They are both funny. Sebi doesn't speak much, but he's funny in a subtle way. Alex is much more outspoken and he's hot. He was painting the lodge and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I couldn't keep my eyes of from him..his back was so muscled and tan...hmm...maybe I miss sex more than I thought. lol. They are going back soon though. Sigh.

After Columbus day the long view pretty much closes down so if this corrections thing doesn't work out I have to start looking for a new job. I hate job searching. it sucks.

My brother is really starting to worry me he drinks pretty much constantly now and he misses work a lot. I think the only reason he hasn't lost his job is because of dad. He really has a problem but I know that you can't force them to change..i'm hoping he's smart enough to realize he needs help.

12:19 AM - Sep. 20, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

quicksand

My bills just keep piling up. I feel like i'm sinking further and further and I see nothing to help me. I have 185 dollars in my account and I have like 2,000 in bills for this month. I need to get rid of the house..but no ones buying. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. It seems hopeless.

1:30 PM - Aug. 17, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

slacker.

Okay, so most of the summer waitresses have started working and they make me feel like a huge slacker. Three of them are teachers who just work there in the summer for some extra money. They are all around my age. They have their masters and careers and I just have bartending and my kids. I wouldn't give up my boys for anything in the world but I just wish I had accomplished something before starting my little family.

I'm taking the psych test for the corrections officer position..i'm not really worried about that but I am worried about the physical part of it. I am not in shape at all. I'm hoping I can make it through. I know how I am..when things get hard I quit. I don't want to do that. This could be a good career. It's something completely out of my comfort range but I think that is what I need.

11:53 AM - Jul. 3, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

love?

I received a letter from civil service about the Corrections Officer exam. I scored an 85. I am like 638 on the list..i'm not sure if that's good or bad.

The next thing is a psych. evaluation. how fun. I'm not really worried about that, but I am worried about the medical and physical part. I'm not even close to being in shape..but i've got a few months to get better. I just have to stick to it. I don't want to be that fat girl at the academy.

My day was good. I played with the boys in their swimming pool. It was fun, I felt like a kid but they loved it. I was letting them push me over into the water and wrestling around with them. I love being a mother, it allows you to do kid things again.

For some reason I have really been missing Bar. Tonight it was especailly acute. I just can't seem to let him go. I keep hoping that he'll suddenly tell me he wants me back and that he loves me. I know that this is proposterous but for some reason that hope still remains. I still have the tattoo with his name in it. It's been over a year. I can't bring myself to have it covered. I need to keep my head, i know i'll do something stupid that i'll regret if I don't. In my dreams I fall to my knees and beg him to come back or I seduce him. These things are just dreams...but god, i miss him.

11:45 PM - Jun. 28, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

another loser.

Okay, so I finally get a chance to talk to Geoff on messenger and he tells me that he's been deliberately avoiding me because of things that I said when we met at the campground. Other than my dad going psycho I had thought things went pretty well. He says that my questions about the distance between us and our differing schedules were meant to discourage him. They weren't. I wasn't trying to discourage..those seemed like pretty normal questions to me. I think he might be a little on the less than normal side. He analyzed everything that I said and twisted it so it sounded like I was trying to play games with his head. RIGHT. I think i'll call this guy the hypocrite from hell. SIGH.

I really really miss Bar.

5:48 PM - Jun. 25, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Insert scream here.

WHAT THE HELL???

Okay, so Geoff came up to see me last Saturday. I had to work but he was staying at Mom's campground so I told him i'd stop by after work. Aidan was awake when I got to moms cabin but he was ready for bed, so I told mom I was going to go talk to Geoff. So I get down there and i'm there for like and hour and my mom comes down. She says that I should hurry up because dad is getting agitated. I thought that was kinda weird, but I didn't pay very much attention to it. We sit there and talk for a maybe another half an hour when my father comes flying onto the site in a golf cart. He TELLS me to get in the cart because I was leaving. I'm mortified. I'M 27!! I thought he had lost his mind. I still have no idea what his problem was. I tell him that i'll be up in a minute and he again demands that I get in the cart. I'm like."I'll be up in a MINUTE". He whips out and I can hear him muttering "if i have to come down here again she's going to be awfully embarrassed." I was mystified. Why the hell was he talking to me like I was 12 AND why the sudden interest in my social life? I was livid as I walked back to the cabin. I was going to let it go but Dad met me at the door. He starts yelling at me about "next time you better come when I tell you to!" Stuff like that. I'M 27 with TWO kids. He starts ranting at me about taking the car away from me and me being out of the house...etc. etc. I'm like "what is your problem? how is this any of your business?" I was in total shock, my dad can be a jerk but this was insane. I think he would have hit me if I hadn't been holding Aidan. I still have no idea why he was so mad or about what really. So anyway..after this whole ordeal..he starts in about Jake being a spoiled brat and that I should take him back down to his father where he belongs. This is the second time that he has said something like that, the first time right in front of Jake. The next morning I called Bar and told him to keep Jake for the week because I needed to get some stuff straight with my father before I had Jake around him again. My dad hasn't spoken to me. I HATE THIS HOUSE!!!! MY family is insane. I just want to move up to my Cabin and stay there with the boys. If only I had the money to do that. I talked to Geoff the day after the incident and told him what happened when I got to my moms cabin. We talked for awhile, and talked about getting together again. (this time without my dad within 100 miles of us) I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if my dad scared him away or what but i'm really confused. He acted like he was really excited to see me again. I'm so depressed anyway and this last blow didn't help. Why do things keep getting so messed up?

10:55 PM - Jun. 22, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Geoff.

I met this guy online. His name is Geoff. He seems like a nice guy. He's interested in me. We talked online a few times. Then one night while as work he just showed up. I was embarrassed at first but we were slow so I got to talk to him for awhile. He's a big guy. Bigger than Bar. Not fatter just bigger. He looks a lot stronger too. He makes good money. He owns two harley Davidsons, a sweet diesal truck, a fishing boat. etc. He seems like a sweet guy but i've been fooled before. I'm not sure I even want to get back into the whole relationship thing. I don't know if i'm scared or if I just don't believe in "the happily ever after" stuff anymore. I feel like i wasted three years with Bar and I don't want to go through that again. The other thing is that this guys myspace friends list is filled with girls. He reminds me so much of Bar that the alarm bells are going off in my head. I don't want to go through that jealousy thing again. Is he the type that will chase down any girl who shows interest? Or does he really like me for me? I hate this. I wish I could just get over my insecurities. I just want to be happy and secure, not only for me but for the boys as well. I don't want guys going in and out of their lives. It's bad enough that Bar is doing that to Jake. Bar will go through 15 girls before jakes old enough to ride a bike. Not because he's a player but because no one can stand him for that long. He comes off as a sweet misunderstood, underappreciated guy at first but it doesn't take long to realize that he's just an asshole who knows how to prey on others emotions. I'm afraid that Geoff has mastered the same scam. We are also so far apart. He lives a little more than an hour away. We also have conflicting schedules he works mornings I work nights. He works weekdays, I never get weekends off. This could get complicated.

11:34 PM - Jun. 15, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

now i understand why weddings can make people depressed.

The wedding went relatively smoothly. It made me very depressed though. It seems like forever since i've had someone to talk to or cuddle with or anything. The bride was very pretty and seemed very happy.

I was so looking forward to getting married. I guess you never know.

10:38 PM - Jun. 3, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

I hate weddings.

Tomorrow I have a wedding to do, how awful. We have to wear tuxedo shirts and bow ties. I hate formal waitressing. I hate waitressing period, but they had already promised the wedding to another bartender.

Sometimes I feel like i'm never going to find someone. Maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. I just don't want to do the whole bar scene anymore.

Someday.

11:03 PM - Jun. 1, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

heart ache

Today I read the newspaper like I do everyday. It never fails to leave a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach. Children beaten to death, drowned, killed and burned. Ten year olds who kill their fathers to protect their mothers from being beaten. Humans are horrid creatures. The evil that we possess is incredible. I have no hope that humans will ever be more than violent animals. I read an article a year or so ago about a 4 year old who was beaten and tortured to death by two 12 year olds. The older boys lured the child from his mother and brought him to some train tracks near a mall and tortured him. Everytime I think about this tears well up in my eyes. That poor little boy. He cried for his mother and still the older boys tortured him. How can two boys so young contain so much evil? Disturbed doesn't even begin to explain what they did. The mother of the 4 year old was criticized for not watching the boy better but anyone who has children knows that it is impossible to keep a 4 year old glued to your hip at all times. The pain that she must be enduring I can't even imagine. My heart aches for this child and his mother. The worst part about this is that these kind of atrocites aren't rare..they happen all over the world. Everyday you read about a new one. More death, pain and suffering being endured by innocent children whose lives should be about love, playing, learning, ice cream and running through sprinklers. The other day I was shopping in my little grocery store in my little town and I overheard a tourist say "You should have known that they wouldn't have that here, I mean look at this place. I don't know how people live like this" I used to think this way too. I've realized that this small town is the best place that a child could hope for in these times. Murder, drugs, and other crimes are rare. I can take my sons to the store and not have to worry that if I can't see them then somebody must have taken them. I am still careful because I know that my town is not a Utopia but I think that I can do without a few specialty items in exchange for the safety and happiness of my children.

The things that I have seen and read have made me realize that humans are nothing more than animals whose intelligence only affords them the power to destroy each other more effectively.  

2:36 PM - May. 27, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

just rip it out!!!

It's been over a year since I broke up with him and it still hurts when I see him. WHAT THE HECK?!? This is like a never ending torture. I've never held on to someone this long. Maybe it's just because we still live in the same town? I don't know but I wish I could just be cold. I also don't understand why he's in a relationship that is almost 5 months old and I haven't even kissed anyone since him. FUCK.

Am I being punished?

8:01 PM - May. 23, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

my birthday.

I started a new job last week. The first day really sucked, it was so slow. I think the first day always sucks anyway cuz you don't know anyone and you feel really awkward. The last two days that I worked were better. I'm starting to get into the swing of things again. I think I will like it there just fine, although I've only met two of the waitstaff so far. The other girls (and a guy) could be real *****es. Let's hope not. I haven't met the owners yet either.

Today is my birthday. I am 27. This is really depressing to me. I don't want to get older. I wanted to stay 21 forever. I didn't do anything but take care of the kids and go to work, woohoo party! Lena and I are no longer friends so I didn't even have the option of hanging out with her. This sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. The only people I have are my boys and my family.

My car is broken, this is not cool, especially since I am so far in debt already. I'm lucky they haven't shut everything of mine off and repossesed my car.

11:26 PM - May. 12, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

absolutely alone

Lena and I spoke for the first time a month or two. She doesn't want to be friends anymore. I can't really blame her after what I did but I just never thought there would come a time when she would no longer be in my life. I have never felt so alone before. I have no friends. How did this happen? How did I become so out of touch?

I drove Lena away. She was happy and I couldn't stand it. I had to mess it up somehow. I don't know what I was thinking. I really don't have more than friend love kind of feelings for lena but all of a sudden one night i'm telling her I love her and crying over messenger. WHY??? I knew she was happy with Ruth why did I have to **** things up? I don't get it. I am a truly messed up individual. I am a pathological liar, jealous, insecure, and controlling. I don't know how to stop myself. When i'm doing it it seems like a good idea at the time. As they say "hind sight is 20/20"  I want to be able to sustain a relationship without any of those horrid personality traights coming into play. I might actually be able to be happy for once.

9:38 PM - May. 10, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

And then there was one..

8:38 AM - May. 4, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

where to start.

I know it may seem like i'm always *****ing on this thing but there is a reason. The good things that I see or have happen to me I like to keep, the bad things I vent out of my system on here.

I met this guy online, his name is Travis. We talked online a few times and we really seemed to hit it off so we decided to meet. That never really happened. I kind of chickened out but that turned out to be okay. He just found out that his ex girlfriend is pregnant and it's most likely his. He didn't tell me that he and his girl had only been apart for a month. Basically they are just taking a hiatus, he will definitely take her back. SIGH. oh well. I'm becoming a little depressed about the lack of physical or emotional contact in my life. I know I should be okay being alone, which I am for the most part but sometimes I get a little scared that this isn't just a break but a streak. I don't want to be alone forever. There is still Jason, but i'm sure he's not looking for anything serious. If by small chance he is, i'm not even sure I would take him up on the offer, he's not exactly a good role model for kids. He is cute though. :( I just have to be patient someone will come along who is perfect.

8:11 PM - Apr. 30, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

I HATE HIM.

Okay so hate is a strong word, but I seriously dislike him.  He is such a selfish bastard. He can't see how everything affects his son. Jacob is so confused by this whole arrangement. I know that it's natural that I don't like his new girlfriend but there is something about her I don't trust. I already know she has some pretty loose morals but it's something else. She's mentally unstable, I can see it in her and i'm afraid she's the kind of wack job that drowns kids in bathtubs. The worst part is there really isn't anything I can do about it but watch her. If I bring it up to bar at this point he'll get really defensive and just bite my head off. I hate that I can't control what influences jacob has in his life.

9:45 AM - Apr. 23, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

beauty marred by the ugly,

3:07 PM - Apr. 22, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment