| *~La Bella Vita~* |
A questionFor those who still are reading all the stuff i am writing here... a question - you dont have to answer though, it is more to think about... how comes that people who love us most manage to cause us the most pain? it seems really not logical, right? i mean that if you love someone and care about them and want them to be happy... how comes you make them suffer more than people who really dont care? 00:44 - Sep. 21, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentwork :)last couples of weeks i am thinking about changing the job. not that i dont like this one but somehow i feel i can do more than they make me do and i want to use all my abilities. besides the question of money is pretty important too. though the economical situation right now is quite stable, still i am not sure my boss will give me any raise in the next year, she is joust too greedy )). still i think i will stay here for the winter and then may be will start looking for another job. of course i also can change my mind as i often do :P -- well... not really often (i usually make very smart decisions, hope this one is smart too) now a bit about me. i am pretty good now, so good that i can be under these circumstances.. my emotional condition is good, may be because i fully concentrated on my health problems which are getting worse and worse - i hate myself for not going to the doctors but i really cant make myself do this... i hate all the doctors especially after the summer spent in various hospitals :)) i sleep well.... ok-ok, not well, but at least without nightmares... though i cant sleep early and stay up late constantly i dont eat anything but mainly because of the strict diet i have to live on now )) ok... enough for today... should turn back to work now 01:55 - Sep. 20, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentok... so i got a call from CMHA today, because i put one of those things in the mail to volunteer for them. However, I need to find 3 references now, which could prove some difficulty... oh well, im sure i can find at least 2 people who will give me a GOOD reference.i havent cut today, but i also didnt go to school, cuz when i went to bed at 230am this morning, i did set my alarm clock, but i muct have hit snooze or turned it off or slept thru it, cuz i slept til 1230 when CMHA called me, then went back to sleep after finsihing until 830pm! I guess that is what happens when you stay awake for 40hours. group wasnt as scary as i thought it was gonna be. i still have to do some of the homework that they gave me. oh my gosh, news is sooo depressing! i guess thats why i dont usually follow it at all. i mean, the girl who died from the shooting in the college, they had her funeral today. :( also, toronto is sending their garbage somewhere not within the toronto boundaries! they should like recycle more or something! cuz nobody wants someone elses garbage! pee yew. anyway, time to review for my test tomorrow and do that homework. ttyl all - randii - 8:27 PM - Sep. 19, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenti just decided that its time to update. i really wanted to write earlier but i couldnt make myself to do this - it is still quite painful and tales a lot of emotions. may be i am really too emotional but it is the way i am and i cant and dont want to change this. first about me: still pretty tired and have fever but now i know the reason because on friday i finally went to the doctor and found out what the problem was. it is still because of my OP in Juny and now i have again to go through some procedures and take a lot of meds. i wonder what happened with me this year - i never had helth problems before.. sleeping problems ... well i am still having them.. may be because of all the stress i have these last weeks i am reading a lot now - when i read i dont feel my own pain, i feel the pain of the books characters - it is not that hard and i can hide my own emotions. i am trying to live positive, to think positive - and be strong. i am almost able to control my emotions again. and i dont cry everytime when... ok.. it is not that important, may be still too personal ) i cant enjoy life as i did before but i am trying to live the best way i can right now. may be the first time in my life i need some support in this. i never did before and always was able to cope with my difficulties alone - i'm afraid now i cant...may be later, but now i really cant.. 22:51 - Sep. 17, 2006 - comments {2} - post commentsmilies...have you ever given / recieved / given yourself a smilie?? (a smilie is when you light a lighter for like 30 sec to 1 min and then press it to your skin and when you take it away it looks like a smilie face).generally they are given to people who you dont like who are smokers. that or have you ever lit your arm hair on fire?? its kinda cool to see it shrivel up and theres like this black powder that looks like ash afterwards. smells pretty gross though. have you ever thought of self-immolation?? or anti-freeze?? i mean... self-immolation would be pretty painful, so i guess you would force yourself to stop drop and roll just as a basic natural reflex to put it out. but antifreeze is sweet and it would do some good stuff to ya, i mean, if you did both you may as well say goodbye to the world... i spose this shows where my mind has been the past week. *shrugs* i dont really see the point anymore. i mean, i try and i try and i try and for what?? why am i trying?? what is the point?? the person on the distress lines tonight said i should start going to church again and maybe that would help me meet people and get more support. *sighs* i guess i could try but i dont just wanna show up one day, and i dont really know anyone who goes to church other than lyndz and her family and i dont think im on the terms to get to go with them... anyway, i should crash shortly... ttyl i guess... - randii - 10:35 PM - Sep. 13, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentpage not foundtoday i logged into my accounts on my favourite website and thats what i have got to see... Sorry The requested document does not live here anymore.
-seems everything is against me now.. 22:30 - Sep. 13, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentit the first time in my life where i dont know what to do. i never felt sooo helpless. of course i had problems (who doesnt) but i always knew how to deal with them. even though it could take time, but i knew what to do. i always was so self-confident, may be even too much, i could control everything and was happy about that. now i am lost and helpless and i dont know how to control my emotions - once i am depressed, then i am angry, nervous, frustrated, i cry a lot and i cant do anything about this. i thought is is my weakness, but now i realize that it also could be my strength - that it means that i still have this ability to FEEL and that i will be able to deal with my feelings, i will be able to control them - i dont know how and how much time i will need for this but i sure will do this. i'm afraid i have no choice or i will destroy myself which i dont want at all. i guess it is good that i realize it now, at least i know what is wrong with me, even though i dont know how to heal myself... well... i do know this ... but it not possible.. so all what left for me is to survive another hard situation. i will ... i promise because i am strong, right? )) 09:07 - Sep. 13, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentsummer is finally overSummer is finally over and autumn is here. it is very cold, and it is raining all the time. a good time to feel sad )) here are my last summer pic, And my first autumn pic )))
22:43 - Sep. 12, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentmay bethe best way to escape one reality is to submerge into another one. and i am the champion in it. like a master i move from one reality to another and understand that everything is wrong. but i am not ready to change anything. i am not ready to change anything. it needs too many emotions and i am emotionally absolutely down. may be later...may be another time... may be another life...23:42 - Sep. 11, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenti dont know...whether it is true... "Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion." 03:24 - Sep. 11, 2006 - comments {4} - post commentfeel like crap.,..ok so i still feel like crap about how im not moving back in with my mom again,,.. i mean, i dont feel like crap that im not going i feel like crap that my mom is making me feel really guilty about not doing it. it isnt really fair to make me feel bad about doing what i think is the best for me.so i talked to Lyndz on MSN about it, she said i prolly hurt her feelings and the fact that she was offering help and that i wasnt taking it. but i mean, should i have?? i mean, if she really wanted me to, she would finish the basement/ keep the offer open and not make me choose in such a short time. then, since i still felt really guilty about it, i cut... oh well. its been a while since i ddi it last so i supose it isnt a huge deal... then i called grand river distress line, cuz i didnt feel like not getting to say anything like when i talk on CMHA distress line... i was afraid it would be Alex, but it wasnt, thank goodness... i think i would have hung up if it was him. i dont need anyone judging me on a distress line, i get enough of that from people i know. she was nice... her name was vivian. she was a good listener... i told her my name was chantelle (not an entire lie cuz that is my middle name) and i gave her my moms address... i dont know why i did, i just, i dunno... i didnt want her to know i guess... *shrugs* anyway... i should go crash... i told vivian i wouldnt cut unless i called again... stupid contract things... and i played with my hamster already, and i told her i would try to sleep and if i couldnt i would watch tv or call again if i needed to, which i dont think i will need to, and even if i do, i prolly wont for at least a few nites, cuz i dont wanna become a regular caller that theyre always like - oh she should be calling around now - cuz i think thats almost like abusing the program. she said not to worry about what mom thought, because mom should respect my decision and be supportive with whatever i do, and that she should be proud of me no matter what i do... even if i dont become like some super smart doctor or something amazing. she said that people cared, and that sometimes people didnt know how to show that they cared.... like my dad refusing to see me until i get better... well, i should go head off to bed,.... gotta be up again in about 3 hours... ttyl - randii - 12:06 AM - Sep. 11, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentyesterday before i fell asleep i had had a very nice conversation with myself. i seldom talk to myself and the conversation yesterday was really very informative )) i would like to reproduct it here but i cant remember what i was talking about. i only have impression it was a good one )) i know life is going on, and i dont have the right to be sad and depressed but i cant change now anymore. in addition to all the problems i got sick. i have fever every day and i know i should go to the doctor but i again am afraid of what i can hear.. it is difficult to explain .. i just dont want to go there anymore. it costs me too much powers..
i dont want to believe it but i'm afraid i have no choice.. "life is ours for making"? not at all!!! because we always depend on other people, on people we love, on people we used to be with.. i dont want to depend anymore but it is hard to get rid of the feeling that it is impossible.. may be i am weak... yes, sure.. i am weak but who cares...
and thank you, karen for the comment. i know you are always there as a friend )) and even though i never leave comments to u, i always read ))
have a good day, everyone else 22:45 - Sep. 10, 2006 - comments {2} - post commentso much pain deep insidei am trying to convince myself that everything is normal, that life is going on no matter what, no matter how, no matter why...but it seems i am lieing to myself .. and everytime i realize it i start crying - i know it is stupid but i cant stop myself.. it is stuck so deep inside of me and i cant let it out and it hurts.. so much pain .. i really cant anymore, life is getting unbearable. it seems i am in the depression phase and cant do anything with it. at least i realize it but i am not able to change anything.. the most dreadful thing is that i even dont want to do anything about itm i dont want anything at all. i want to be left alone but everytime i am alone it is even more harder, so unbearable.. my life changed, i changed and i cant say it is better so.. i am becoming weak and i cant let myself be weak. i need to stay strong but i dont know how, i dont know if it is possible.. i feel so lost, so sad, so ... dead and even though i realize it is not right, i am not able to do anything about it.. not now... may be later... may be now i realize how good it is when nobody is reading the stuff you write because you even dont have to limit the access to the blog, you just write to yourself and are sure that nobody else will ever get to read this. anyway if there is anyone who by accidence got to read this, please, have the better days than i have, ok? 12:13 - Sep. 9, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentcalled againwell,.... i called again... i talked to Ben this time... he actually remembered me! and its been like months since i talked to him! thats nuts! i mean... am i really important enough to remember?? i guess most times i feel as though im not important,... i guess im my own worst enemy...anyway, i wanted his input on whether or not i should move back in with my parents... he didnt really give me any except to weigh the pros and cons,.... he said it was really my decision and he didnt really know specifics and my situation personally so he couldnt really suggest anything. he said to do what i felt, not to be pressured. easier said than done! but i think mostly i just wanted to talk to someone so that i could maybe try to fall asleep... no such luck cuz i gotta be up in 2 hours and i will prolly oversleep again and i cant miss a test and i already have missed enough days. but i guess they really shouldnt care if i show up... i mean, they get paid whether or not i show up, and i could prolly study what i needed for tests on my own outta the texts... prolly be easier cuz then i could do it on my own time and not have to worry about waking up at 630 so i could take a bus every day at 704 and be there on time... *shrugs* guess thats why its private right?? paying for the small classes and the relationship with the prof. oh i have a test today and ive studied about as much as i can handle cuz i think my brain is gonna explode... prolly wont do as well, cuz i just studied forom the notes, didnt make any from the chapter in the workbook or text... *shrugs again* oh well... anyway... thats my blurb for now. im gonna be pooped by 1130pm when i finish work today... i think i get to sleep in saturday tho, cuz i think i actually have saturday off! yay homework and sleep.... well, gonna go surf the net or put a movie in or somethin... if ur bored u can reply... or if u have any suggestions for more energy on 4 hours of sleep a nite,,, or on what i should do about the living arrangemetns thing.... ttyl all... - randii - 1:27 AM - Sep. 8, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenti am losttoday i wanted to write about how i feel... but i had such a busy day that i cant think right now. all i can tell is that i feel lost... like a little girl who was forgotten by everyone ... who knows what it feels like to be left alone... i dont know what to do, i dont know where to go, i am too tired to think, i am too too tired to live - i want back to my childhood, to the times when the most painful experience was when you didnt get the toy you liked.. i am tired ... and lost.. i want to cry but i cant because i will have to explain and i dont know what to say.. life can be so hard on us but somehow we always manage to survive and be a winner. i know i will this time too... i need time ... but i have lots of time ... my whole life.. 06:50 - Sep. 7, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentstrange statues around the worldhttp://haha.nu/funny/strange-statues-around-the-world - i have just come across this in internet07:05 - Sep. 6, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentno comments...i am tired, sleepy and have fever. and i want to go home but my boss is really cruel and makes me work. i really hate her now. besides there is no sense in me working today. i cant concentrate because of terrible headache. all i do is just sitting in front of the computer and answering the calls from time to time. 2,5 hours more and i will go home and may be fall asleep... last few days were not really good. i had fight with my dad, i had fight with my sister - i am tired of my family, they all somehow decided that they should teach me how to live and what to do. i love them very much, may be even more than they suppose i love them but sometimes i need a rest from my family because they are everywhere ...
04:18 - Sep. 4, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentanother nitewell, tonight was another nite... which explains how good it was.... *shrugs* well, something good did happen, i met a new person at work tonight, she was really nice...but i had a pretty cruddy day, i mean, it wasnt even that a lot of stuff happened other tahn a few disgruntled customers, i just woke up in a bad mood, cuz i didnt sleep very well. plus i had weird dreams about shopping, maybe thats cuz i am hungry but i dont really feel hungry, which is why i dont eat. i had a pizza pocket and a nutella sandwich today tho, so i did eat. ok, well, im gonna crash shortly, i have homework and stuff to do later on, like laundry etc... ttyl - randii - 11:15 PM - Sep. 2, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentcalled again...Alright, so i called the CMHA distress line tonight... I talked to Sheila again. I didnt even have to tell her, she jsut knew who i was from my voice! she said that I was strong, and that she was proud of me and how hard i am trying. she says she might stop by my work tomorrow and i might actually get to meet her! it kinda makes me nervous, cuz like, shes just been a random person to tlak to on the phone, and if i meet her, will i like break down cuz shes been so nice to me?? because shes told me so many nice things and related so much??I basically just told her i was scared about my mom's health, and that its been a rough 3 weeks since i found out. well, im really tired, im sure there is more i want to blog, but im gonna crash instead... dont know why ive been so tired... it cant just be a lack of iron cuz otherwise i woulda been tired the whole time since like september when i stopped eating well and started gettin really depressed. well, ttyl all - randii - 10:33 PM - Sep. 1, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenthmmmwell... today i was late for work yet again... thankfully Sherry was in an interview and she said that she understood that i was tired... phew... i really have to try and not be late tho, i mean, it cant look good. plus it prolly makes her think im unreliable. its just really hard, i mean, im the only one in the class that has a full time job and is going to school. mind you, i havent done much homework, so i dont know that you could say im full time student, but i go to school for 5 hours a day, so i guess i am... *shrugs* it still cant look good that im consistantly late.i got sick at work tonight... it was gross. i had a waffle and a lunchable and nibbled on some salad today, so i did eat quite a bit. i am sooooo friggen tired! im gonna snag some stuff from school tomorrow and take my own blood again, from the vein at the muscle, so if i screw up then its my own fault. i dont think its good for me to get poked everyday, i mean, i dont reproduce my blood cells fast enough, and i dont want to end up passing out in class because i didnt regenerate my blood cells. well, im gonna watch tv or go to bed... ttyl all - randii - 8:22 PM - Aug. 31, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment
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Description My Crazy daily thoughts on life,world,and relationships Home User Profile Archives Friends Recent Entries - It's been way too long - New Job - Return of the Ex - Peace with God? - Don't feel like writing much |
