| *~La Bella Vita~* |
hugsremember the hugs-thing? i still do need the hug, may be the biggest one people can give :)
22:55 - Oct. 1, 2006 - comments {2} - post commentweekend updatemy life is turning back to normal. of course i am not the same as i was a year ago when i started this blog (omg - i am actually writing in the blog for 10 months already, really hard to believe as for mt life now.. it is really turning back to normal (well... normal is really different for different people alexandra was sick last week, had fever, we were afraid that it is again the same and she will have to go to the hospital again, but it never happened :) she is really ok now, but in my opinion she talks to much, just like her aunt i have lots of dvds at home which are waiting for me to be watched but its pretty hard to find time for them. i started to watch a german movie "barfuss"(barefoot) which appeared pretty interesting to me but i couldnt finish it because i fell asleep (well... i didnt fall asleep because the movie was boring as you could have thought :P, just as i told you the previous week was anorm busy for me). when i get the chance to watch it up tp the end i will post a review here, i promise )) i read a lot recently, mainly harry potter fanfiction - i really wonder how creative some people are )) yesterday i finished Marc Levi's book "If only it were you" - a really good book which is recommended to be read though i can say that i liked the movie better :) 22:52 - Oct. 1, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentmehok, so today, i ended up sleeping thru school which sucks cuz it was a lab day so i missed like 5 hours of lab work! i had the craziest dream that i was at my moms house and she and my step dad were yelling at me (i guess i had stayed a few weeks cuz i had stuff there) cuz i was spending too much time not with her (that sentence makes no sense! hahah!). anyway, she was mad at me and so i left and used a payphone near a short stop (is there one on a st named Green St??) and like there were 6 payphones and i called the CMHA distress line and i dunno i guess i was on the phone a while cuz a co-worker (dont know why it was a co-worker!) came out and asked if i was ok. i said no, and we went into the store, and she called the police for some reason... anyway, her and another co-worker took me to Grand River hospital and we were in a line waiting for some reason... and people were eating while they waited and i was barfing... and then i had to take a bath before they'd let me in and so i tried to drown myself... and i dunno, it was really messed up!its weird tho, cuz usually when i sleep thru class, i have dreams about being at school, but this time i didnt... weird... anyway, i went to work for a while and just kinda did random things... then went to a friends, she made me feel much better. gave me the number to the counsellor she saw and said she was really good, so im gonna call her tomorrow prolly. anyway, we just sat and talked and i pet her cats and dog... they are soooo soft! and soooo cute! i definately have to bring my camera so that i can take pics! anyway, im gonna crash shortly, but i really should eat cuz i only had a few oreos and some hot chocolate. ttyl - randii - 10:42 PM - Sep. 29, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentwhat good is lovewhat good is love, that doesnt carewhat good is love, that gives you pain what good is love, that wants you ever Believe that things will always be the same what good is love if all whats left for us makes not much sense we pray for them and wish they were alright we stay.. we fight.. we smile.... we wait.... we love .... and cry... but like one friend has asked me: "arent they afraid that one fine day we may just stop to love them?" _____________________________ dedicatedto a friend...the one who asked :)
01:37 - Sep. 29, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentnot so bad...alright, so i had my appointment with my mom and my counsellor a few days ago, and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. i mean, my mom didnt hog the session or say what she thought i thought or judge what i said. she was really understanding, which was nice... really uber nice! she said that she realized the last time that she did most of the talking, and that it was my session and she was invited to it and so i should do most of the talking .wow, and yeah it pretty much blew me away at how much she listened! thanks mom.  ok, so my assistant manager found out what i do (cutting and burning) because i had asked a co-worker who knows ( but has promised to keep it quiet) to get me some aloe vera or something for burns when she was on her break... anyway, the assisntant manager asked me why, and seeing as she is the assistant manager she would have to know anyway right? (for safety and health) but we made an agreement that we both signed saying that she wouldnt smoke anymore if i stopped self harming. anyway, it was really nice of her to do that, i mean, she could have just shrugged it off and said whatever, but she didnt!  anyways, i should go finsih my homework and my readings... ugh ttyl - randii - 9:53 PM - Sep. 28, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenti am okjust an update to say that i am good... well... not really good, but it is ok... i am getting used to it. i managed to close one part of my soul from the entire world and from myself. it is like i made all my emotions sleep and they will wake up one day... i know that on that day it will be extremely hard to deal with them but i am ready to it if now i get some days of calm life when i dont cry about everything, when i dont think about..., when i do not suffer because my heart is closed and i dont want to let anyone in until the right moment comes. all i know that i am ready to wait for this moment as long as it is needed. i have my whole life for this.. it is indeed difficult to make one part of your heart hide from others, close from all the impact - i dont know for how long i will be able to maintain this, but it really doesnt matter because .. i dont know why, just so.. 09:15 - Sep. 28, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentwhen i dream at nightthis is a song i have heard today on radio ( i love the man who first suggested using radio in mobiles ;)) and i wondered why i never paid to it attention - i really liked this one
Marc Anthony - When i Dream at Night
01:54 - Sep. 28, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment*anxious*no cutting or burning yet today... but then the day did just start! anyway, didnt do it yesterday either, just picken at the scabs...im really scared about the meeting tomorrow - eep! today!!!... i mean, i made a point form list but im still scared... had a nap today... ahhh nap.... and watched stick it,... its a pretty good movie! thnking about calling distress line... but not sure yet if i will... i mean, i cant get rid of these thoughts in my head! they just keep spinning around and around and around.... and its frustraiting! my teacher said that i have to prioritize and focus on something... anyway, i should go do some homework,,.... which prolly means i will continue watching tv and playing on the computer! hahahahha! seriously, i should get back to it, lots of readings this week. later - randii - 9:20 PM - Sep. 26, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentjust because you walk away..
22:30 - Sep. 24, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentfriendshipi know i have posted this already but after having come across it again i couldnt resist on putting it in here again because every time i read this i smile and every smile now for me is very important "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh - 11:30 - Sep. 24, 2006 - comments {1} - post commentfor abhaydear abhay! i am not a liar and you probably know this :P like i promised i am dedicating the entry to you speaking about my opinion about your drinking. as you see i am giving my best to keep my promises, so you really cant say anymore that i do not always say the truth. may be i am the very most honest person in the whole world you would find :P as for drinking.. i told you many times thati do not like it because of some reasons. mainly because my own stepdad drinks too much and the whole family is suffering from this.. but i also know that nothing in the world (and less of all my opinion) will ever change you and your habits.. like cigarettes will ever stay your first love, drinks will be the second. btw..where is my place on your priorities list? ops... sorry i forgot.. you dont have one ;P back to drinking.. you sure know that i will never make you do something you dont want to (i am not able to change you and honestly i dont want to and dont need to - it will be the priority of your gf, being on her place i really would change it - you know how stubborn i can be sometimes ;)) actually thats all i wanted to say, if you have any questions, you are welcome all the time - you sure know this ))) P.S. now i can say that you are a liar - you wanted to comment on my entries for long time but you never did, though i actually dont make you write something... if i want your opinion i know that you will always be there to answer my silly questions :P P.P.S. the song is really very beautiful, thank you very much (i really hear you saying "my pleasure") 09:30 - Sep. 24, 2006 - comments {1} - post commenti do carei wonder how can one just cut me off his life without any explanations. ok, may be i am not "the ideal girl" but at least i think i do deserve to know what is this all about... it is not just easy to forget all about the person whom you have known for almost a year now... but there are still people who somehow really manage this. i dont know what to say...i would like to say i dont feel anything about this but it is not true - i do feel... may be even more than i would like to. it is unbearable in some way because i never thought it can be just like this. i try to be honest with myself, it is quite easy and i have lots of answers to the questions which never have been asked... and i wonder if they ever will... everything is so different now, it is as if i am living a different life or better to say that someone else is living a different life, my life and i go with this different girl the same way watching her living my own life. and i dont want to take any part in it because i dont like how it is but still i have no choice but to come back in it - and i do come back, a bit more with each new day and it hurts more with each coming day... because coming back means to deal with all the feelings and emotions i tried to control these weeks. i am not sure if i am able to...well... it is not true... i am able to but i am afraid i am not ready to it... but i cant give me more time because the longer i wait the more difficult it may be to come back into life...sounds strange, doesnt it? all i know about me and my feelings is that it would be so much easier not to care about this, not to love him, not to wait but human nature is sometimes so unpredictable (or may be predictable) that i cant ... i just do really care and thats all i can say now. 09:13 - Sep. 24, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment[...nothing....]alright, so, i havent cut or burned today or yesterday...i got a call from CMHA saying i couldnt volunteer for them because i use the lines - how is that right?? *shrugs* oh well talked to my mom tonite while at work, told her i am going to see a psychiatrist again and she was all angry that i wouldnt tell her why, so then i finally told her why and she was like "well i dont know what to say because nothing is ever the right thing" and i got frustraited because she wanted to know! and i told her about it so that she would feel like she was important (becasue she is) enough to still have a lil information on what is happening with me! now im not sure. i feel like no matter if i tell her nothing or bits and pieces or everything shes never gonna be happy! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, now that im all worked up im gonna play with my hamster and then crash... maybe cut or something after... *shrugs* oh well, ttyl all - randii - 10:54 PM - Sep. 23, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentMe
No words could possibly better express what i am feeling now and who i am now. This picture does... 09:43 - Sep. 23, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentlove
all i realized (i always knew this though) you should love yourself and only after that people will love you )) 09:25 - Sep. 23, 2006 - comments {0} - post commenti am backanother update for today :) it seems i am finally back to life and thats good i went to my cottage today .. alone.. the weather was warm and everything was so beautiful outside and i really enjoyed it a lot. i went to the lake and was sitting there for 3 hours just thinking about what is going on in my life, where i am and what i want to. it was really good because i was able to come to some conclusions which may be very important to me because they may influence my life in some serious way. i mean i know life isnt a joke and all our decisions are very important but these ones are for sure the most important for now. i am finally back to life again. i knew i am strong and it took me lots of my inner strength to cope with this. because again i had to confront with both physical and emotional pains. and it was pretty hard this time, harder than ever before. but people with strong characters always know what to do. i happened not to know it first but now i know and this knowledge makes me feel a bit better. i can control myself, my emotions which means i have control over my life again. though i know that one thing can change it forever :P but i am ready for this. having spent 3 hours with myself thinking about important things made me think over all the possible variants, and i like all of them... well... honestly not all of them but i am ready to put up with each single decision, with each direction my life may take in the future. i deserve the best like we all do and i will get the best like i want it because i want it. because i am ready to fight for my happiness. i can only fail when people whom i like and love, whom i adore and who are important to me ... when they will not like to go the same direction as i will.. i can be alone.. it is still possible but even being alone is not as bad as being with people who are not able to fight for whatever is important for them. our past is our past. we either get over it and move on trying to use as much from our experience as it is possible or we are stuck in it trying to remember every single moment of being happy and then we will always be unhappy because it is not possible to turn back to those times and it is only wasting of time to think that everything can be good again. i can easily forget bad things, somehow i always tend to remember only good ones and that really helpes me a lot these last few terrible weeks. because even now i am trying to think positive and to find all the best in the situation. every day i am saying to myself: "well... my dear.. at least you dont have nightmares this time" or "dont you think the pain you have right now isnt that severe as yesterday"? funny, isnt it? i know that we all have to suffer because only then we may understand the true cost of happiness.. i am ready to suffer when i know that right after that i will be happy and enjoy life again. now i see how silly i can be sometimes when i pay attention to things that dont matter in the end, because it is only you yourself who matter in the very end and it is up to you how to live. your whole life is up to you! i love life though sometimes it is hard on me and a bit unfair but i guess it is what i deserve. we all get what we deserve, dont we? and since i didnt get the chance to write the entry for you, abhay, like i promised. i am writing this small part only for you, just to thank you for being there, for supporting me in a way you even havent noticed. may be you dont know but you really were supportive all the time and i am so grateful for this. and i know you will say "its my pleasure" as always :P i am finally back here and i wont let anyone anymore make me destroy my own life by living in the world of pains and suffering. i do not deserve this. nobody does... 09:19 - Sep. 23, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment"Stuck"Just a song which i can relate to in some way. not that it fully expresses what i am feeling... just i really do understand what she is feeling ... and besides i really always liked this one :) Stacie Orrico "Stuck" I can't get out of bed today 09:11 - Sep. 23, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentagain about lifehow different everything can be only after one night.. now i am sure that when we sleep our brain is working better. i always knew this but today i realized it one more time. i feel a bit different than yesterday and this is good because now i almost know what to do and feel so much better about all the situation. it is really true that it is better to know that\n not to know... it is like Hamlet's "to be or not to be"... i prefer to be and i know it is a right decision. today i will go to our small cottage, though it is pretty cold but i guess it is the best place for me to think about me and my life.. i will be back in the evening and hope to have a decision by that time. but still my decision has to depend on someone else's. kife is so difficult sometimes, but may be it is better so because then we can enjoy it fully when something can be solved the way it makes us happy. i will try to be happy because otherwise nothing has any sense, life has no sense, love has no sense... 22:03 - Sep. 22, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentso i talked to my dr today... i guess im goin to see a psychiatrist again, well, shes doing the reference things anyway... she wanted to send me to the guy i saw before in december, but he only does stuff thru hazelglen and grand river hospital, cuz she says that he is one of the best. oh well, she has 3 she can try and get me into.i dont know that i wanna talk about it anymore tho, i mean, it feels like ive talked the death out of it, but we still havent found like a root cause or anything. its frustraiting i guess, just because, like i get on streaks and go for a while without cutting and then i get really stressed and stuff and do it often for a while again.  oh and she says that burning is just a more painful (instintaneously i guess, cuz cutting is painful too) version of cutting/self harm. *sighs* well i gotta do some homework and then crash. ooooh, i get to take blood again today! ttyl all - randii - 10:13 PM - Sep. 21, 2006 - comments {0} - post commentok, so i did get a few references for my volunteering thing... I see my dr today cuz i made an appt on monday, have to tell her about recent thought... they arent the best... but im scared cuz i dont want her to drug me up... i mean, im already on meds for life, i dont wanna be on high doses of meds for all my life! i dont know why i think its such a bad thing that i am on meds, i mean, people with diabetes and stuff are on meds for their life once they are diagnosed. *shrugs*
anyway, was late for school today cuz i slept in til 8. oops. oh well, finished the test in like 15 minutes so its no biggie.
well ttyl all
- randii - 6:02 AM - Sep. 21, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment
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Description My Crazy daily thoughts on life,world,and relationships Home User Profile Archives Friends Recent Entries - It's been way too long - New Job - Return of the Ex - Peace with God? - Don't feel like writing much |
) but we really will never be the same again after experiences we have had. i guess it is really better so because as we all know - what doesnt kill us, make us stronger 
and that is really so. i am feeling better these days really much more better except for some pains i had this weekend .. i guess it is because last week was so crazy here at work that i didnt have time to eat properly, and actually ate something from the forbidden list - which is not good... i wonder for how long i will have to live according this stupid diet and avoid anything spicy... not that i dont like eating healthy :P just sometimes i really want something spicy or a piece of chocolate 
) i decided to give privat lessons again. pity i have to each english because really i would have preferred to teach german.. still dont feel that my english is good enough to teach someone ..well... half of the week i havelessons in the evenings and thats good, i really like the idea of teaching again.
