Dear Benny

This is a letter I wrote to my boyfriend Benny, we have been having some problems...pretty personal!

Benny,

We  have been together for eight months now...its has not been an easy eight months let me say.  But I feel I as though I must agologize for myself for all the things I wish I would have done differently for me and you.  I have never been great at relationships whether it be with friends,parents,and guys I often make the same mistakes.  I am too emotional, too defensive, too assuming and sometimes just too miserable.  I have always wanted to be in love and to be loved by someone that is undescribable.  I have wanted to feel safe with one person that really sees me for who I am and likes me anyway.  Sometimes I wish I was a different person.  Someone more like my sister, laid back and just content with things.  There are days that I really hate the person I am.  I feel like I am always compared to the way I was in the begginning of my relationships.  "You were so different when we first started dating." No one likes to be accused of things, I know this because I hate being accused myself.  I have often forgot about how lonely it feels to be defending yourself for something you know in you heart you did not do.  Trust me this happens to me more than you think.  But you must know that ther are so many things that I see in you. I believe in the person who you are now and the one want to become.  There is no other person in this world besides yourself that is more on your side than me.  Every choice I make in my life I think and feel for you in the process. My passion for you is something I can't put aside. I don't know if you will love me forever but you have truly made me feel things I have never felt before.  It scares me a lot and I often break down thinking of what would happen if you left me.  Would I be able to be happy without you?  You have talked to me so many times about life and how to understand all the things that sometimes confuse me.  I hear your words and I truly try to understand them.  Although I do not always agree I always appreciate the things you say and the person you are.  There are so many things I love about you Benny and I think its time I told you.  I admire the person you are and your outlook on life and I wish I was more like you.  Maybe I wouldn't get hurt as much.  I love the way you light up a room for me, I feel like things fall into place when you are near me.  I love to be in your arms and the way you look at me.  You are most gorgeous guy in my eyes. I wish that I was a better girlfriend and more happy.  I sometimes wish I could love myself the same way I love other people like you.  I must explain a few things to you because I know that you think I am liar at times.  I think I am a liar at times too...I have never told you that. I sometimes think I add things to situations or stories in order to make myself feel better. I know that most of what I say is true but then I get scared and lie about small things.  I have made so many mistakes that hurt me.  I have beat myself up for all of things I have done with guys in past...I wish I could erase the past 3 years and stay a virgin.  I had no respect for myself and still don't know if I have found it.  I know the truth inside of me and maybe that is why it is so upsetting to me. I replay events or times that I just wished I was not alive to make the mistakes I did.  It was like I stepped out of myself and made these hurtful decisions that really have hurt me.  There is no way I can I make anyone understand the amount of regret I carry with me.  I sometimes wish that you never knew a lot things about me...I sometimes wish you only saw the good in me and my past.  But we both know that is not the case. I feel like you secretly think these bad things about me from time to time.  I feel like you really think that I wanted to make myself look like a slut or just make myself look pitiful. If you really do think these things about me I am sorry, I bet you sometimes wish I was different or better...which I pray that you don't.  I can tell you strongly that I am so in love with you.  I think about you and your family and pray that maybe one day I will be a part of your family.  You and I are so different and you are the most amazing man in my life.  You have stuck by me when most would have not and you tried to help me as much as you could.  I know that you have given up on me and as much as it kills me inside to know that, I want you to know that I will not give up on us.  I believe that me and you are meant to do amazing things.  I wish I could be that person you want me to be and I wish to find confidence in myself. It would certainly make life easier. My life has been filled with empty promises and a lot dissapointment.  I don't want that for us.  I will really try to understand you and all the things you say.  I want there to be more good moments between us.  I want us to start doing things to together, going out dancing, traveling, going out on real dates and spending time together(me and you).  My expectations for this relationship is for us to grow together.  We have survived moving in together, paying some bills, living together, and all the things that come with that.  I have always wanted to find a guy like you.  I have dreamed, wished and prayed to find you Benny.  Please work with me to make us work.  Please don't stop loving me and try to see the good in me.  Believe me when I say that I will do everything I can to make things better for us. Please don't leave me, we aren't meant to be together( I know it in my heart).  I hope you understand this letter and take my words seriously.  They come from my heart.  I love you baby.

<3 Me

11:11 AM - Feb. 6, 2006 - post comment