My confessions

It is time for me to live like I have never lived before.  The past two days have been some of the most eye opening experiences to me.  It seems to be that when things feel like they are crashing down that you feel the most alive.  I don't know but I think I have never really found myself.  I know I have been searching and hoping things would one day all just make sense.  But they just don't.  There are many things about myself that I feel I must change for my own good.  I have learned that the only person I truly have to love me is myself.  I never think I understood that concept until these last two days.  Maybe the reason why people don't respect me is because I don't really respect myself.  Maybe if I put all my insecurities aside I would actually find peace and maybe even confidence.  I will continue searching for things in my life that make me whole again.  Through the years bits and pieces of me seem to just fall off.  Even though most of me seems to be gone there is some of me left; the strong, powerful, pretty person I still am.  It is so invigorating to realize your not really lost but just hiding from the person you know that you can be.  I don't need a man to make me who I am or even help me.  All I need is myself.  Maybe people are right, maybe I am young.   And maybe I am just not ready for a relationship with someone other than myself.  It's not about not loving people because trust me I love my boyfriend.  I love him and wish him all the happiness in the world but honestly I am not sure I even love myself, so how is all that love possible.  I am tired of being afraid of things like looking stupid and people not liking me.  It hasn't helped to worry about things like that, it has only held me back.  I don't want to be a weak person that accepts things just because its easier.  I want things to be harder, I want to struggle and triumph.   I want to truly find myself in something. Find things I love that make me happy and won't dissapoint me.  I want to find light in a dark place.  I want to feel all my emotions at once and not cry.  I want to start showing the person I am inside on the outside for once.  I want to be happy. 

1:29 AM - Feb. 4, 2006 - post comment