Suicide

Suicide- what a scary word...in the last month I have heard about too many suicides.  People that I did not know and others in which I did.  I will not lie and say that I have not thougt about it in the past.  There were times in my life were I felt that there was nothing else left for me.  I felt as a dissapointment to myself and to others most of my 22 years of living.  The decision to take your own life is looked upon as being weak.  And if you think about it that's exactly how your body feels when your contemplating such a thing.  In a earlier entry I wrote about destiny and writing out the plan of your life.  Suicide is never part of that plan.  Some believe that if you commit suicide you are breaking your plan and will have to start all over again, living the same life again but only this time making different choices.

The woman in the mall

New Years Eve and my best friend Shannon called me from the King of Prussia Mall(2nd largest in the world).  Both  Shannon and I use to work at Italian Delight on the second floor.  I quit more than two years ago but Shannon still kept it for extra cash on Saturdays.  Anyway, her voice sounded faint and frantic at the same time and it really scared me.  I asked her what was wrong.  She went on to tell me that woman in her late forties was in the mall by herself and came to bench directly across from where she worked.  She sat down next to man, put all of her bags down and then got up and dove face first off the balcony.  She hit a cell phone stand on the first floor and then came crashing to the ground(you can imagine how gruesome), directly across from the food court at lunchtime.  She said all you could hear was people screaming.  She said that the woman went into sezuires and then died when she got to the hospital.  This of course was covered up by the media but I became almost obsessed with it.  I was so curious to find out any kind of information about this woman.  And I wondered what was going through her mind when she decided she had enough.  I wondered if she was lonely.  I thought about how deep her sadness was to make such a private thing like death so public.  The story actually hurt my body inside.  I feel like the holidays really bring out the worst in people. People get so crazy that they almost become nuts.  People spend money they don't have, over eat, and get obsessed with material things.  The article had said that the woman had fallen, and that really pissed me off.  I don't understand why they explain every last detail about someones murder but cover up a suicide.  No, she did not fall she jumped, tell the truth!

The man and the train

Three days after the woman suicide I was exhausted after work and was waiting for my train to come.  It was a little after six.  The other suicide still firm in my mind.  They make an announcement saying that my train is delayed forty five minutes.  And the woman next to me turns to me and says, "oh, its because of that guy".  I thought to myself "what guy?".  She went on to tell me that a man had jumped into front the train at one of the stops.  I felt sick to my stomach.  They had stopped running the trains altogether that day.  I felt pissed that I was now delayed for the rest of the night but I felt extremely sad  at the same time.  Twice in one week! The ladies were all talking about it and saying I can't understand why someone would do that.  All I could think of was that I could understand why.  People get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Life can sometimes have the effect of taking over and living for you.  You get so lost in the process that nothing really else matters.  Not money, not your job, not your family, nothing.  Some people have the idea of "okay, you can't handle life, get out, bye".  Some people don't understand at all and some people understand all too well.  The amount of pain you feel inside is more painful than any moving train that hits you.

My friend Michael 

The day after the train guy I got a phone call from my boyfriend at work.  We use to work at the same resturant together but I quit after getting my new job.  There had been a guy named Michael that start a few months after me.  He was very different, had his own views of the world and spoke them openly.  He was liked as much as he was hated.  I liked him.  He would talk to me about how much he loved his wife and show me pictures of them on their wedding day from his wallet.  He would brag about his baby nephews and we would talk about life.  People at my job made fun of him to his face and behind his back. It didn't phase him.  I had heard a few weeks after I quit that someone had made this book(a burn book they call it) and it got passed around where people would write bad things about other people that worked there.  A few entries were about Michael.  They talked about how much they hated him and how they wished he would quit.  Michael saw the book.  Needless to say he quit only a few days later.  I found at that before Christmas his wife left him and he moved back in with his parents.  Michael had taken his life that same day the guy jumped in front the train.  It was a really bad week.  I searched for his obituary and cried when I found it.  His mother was still living.  My heart literally broke that week.  My whole life I have dealt with suicide.  My grandfather, my friend in girl scouts dad, the many kids I went to school with, my friends dad, my cousin who attempted and so many more.  I will not judge this people for their actions they had made because I one thought that death was such a comfort.  I just hope that those people found that comfort in life after death. And pray that the pain they felt finally went away.  And I hope one day I will see them all again. 

4:49 PM - Jan. 28, 2006 - post comment

suicide...

dying is easy. living is hard. people are always looking for the easy way out when dealing with disappointments and grief. i try not to be obsessed by the hows and whys because even if you could've done something for them, ultimately you can't be there to watch over them 24/7. you're a good person with a good heart.
take cares,
C.

4everlostnalone - 1:25 AM - Jan. 29, 2006

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on suicide...

choosing to die or to live is like choosing to
be happy or lonely.
You cannot dictate other people's wants or how they
would treat you. You can only change your attitude towards it.
One must look at the bigger picture. Would you
really be selfish enough to waste the gift that God has
given to you while all other people in the world are
fighting all the odds to survive, facing war, poverty,sickness
and isolation? Remind ourselves to be grateful, i think
that's the first step on battling suicide.

icequeen - 12:01 AM - Jan. 30, 2006

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