Laying my sh*t flat

It's Monday....blah!  Well this weekend was an eye opening experience for me.  I was alone all weekend.  My so called date/hang out with my ex went extremely bad.  I mean I somewhat cringe when I think about it.  I was really nervous and really didn't know what to say.  I got social aniexty with someone that know really knows me pretty well.  I just don't know if I am ready to start anything with another guy just yet.  Or maybe it is just he isn't that guy for me.  I looked horrible on top of that.  What a nightmare!  But I think I will survive being single.  Sure it is hard and I am not going to lie I broke down a couple of times this weekend.  I am just not use to being lonely.  I talked to Benny's mom last night for a while and I was crying of course.  I think people around me are worried about....I have been suicidal in the past and that might have something to do with it.  I think everyone is like scared I am going to do something drastic.  But I am not.  I am so different than how I use to be.  Better, much better.  As much as I hate to admit it I have been suicidal more than once and I have been on and off medication.  I have been free of medication for almost a year now.  Which I am extremely proud of.  I only had one real breakdown clear in my mind within that time.  And of course I think of Benny because he took such good care of me.  Oh that just made my stomach and heart ache thinking about it.  He put up with a lot of crap from me.  Poor guy.  But I am pissed at him.  I feel like he ********s me about what he wants.  He said he wants to be friends but then doesn't answer when I call him.  Which makes no sense.  But he never answered when I was his girlfriend...why would being friends make any kind of difference.  Stupid girl.  The only thing that seems to make me really happy lately is popcorn and Sex and the City. Time to start the healing. 

1:47 PM - Mar. 27, 2006 - post comment

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u sure have hard time now, but life is going on, and u shouldnt stuck in your past thinking how good it was... future may be much more better and u will for sure enjoy it. i hope so...
and i repeat if u need someone to talk to i am always here for you :)
have a good day and take care,
lena

lena - 4:53 AM - Mar. 28, 2006

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