*~La Bella Vita~*

I am weak

Posted in Unspecified

So I messed up last night....what happened last night is something that I never ever thought would happen. I guess everything lately has kind of been a shock to me, so honestly why would this incident be any different. I came home from work to find Benny sleeping on the couch. He hasn't been feeling well and called out sick from work. I sat with him and talked for a little while and my cell phone kept ringing. First it was two of my girls, and then it was my ex Sean(who I left the note for two days ago). I went to the other room and talked to him for a while and I knew Benny was listening to my conversation. Benny pretended to fall asleep a couple of times and then he was being playful with me. He was putting shorts over his boxers....and I asked him why are you doing that? I told him not to act like a stranger to me and that we have been living together for a while and I have seen him naked plenty of times. We then both were talking about how we are both still attracted to each other. I asked him what he was doing since I was in the bedroom in the bed and he was in the other room(I didn't really want to be alone). He told me that he was watching TV and then he came barrelling in telling me he had to show me something. He then stopped to let me walk in front of him. I stopped and he stopped and we both just felt the tension between us. Our bodies were like pressed up against each other. He spun me around and we kissed and one thing led to another and we had sex. Yes, I know what your thinking I screwed up. But honestly it felt so good to touch him and kiss him and just be with him. I don't regret it. Afterwards it was a little weird, I felt a little used and I really haven't felt that way in a while. But I care about him and that's not going to change anytime soon. But...... I think I have a date thing tonight. Sean(my ex) might be coming over my apartment after watching the Villanova game with his friends. I have to clean the apartment, get some alcohol and figure out what I am going to wear. He might not even come over tonight but its not like I can plan around it. What if he does? What if he doesn't? Do you think I am nuts???? Because I think I am. So before I left this morning Benny was getting all his stuff together to move and I gave him a hug and told him to come by often. I felt a lot of things this morning....like maybe we will be friends that still have sex and hang out. I mean I wouldn't be against that but worried if that would mean that I would start to have feelings for him again. I am not really sure because no matter how much I know that I care for him, the other part of me knows that it's not going to work out. I guess I can honestly say that I am weak....weak for him. But no matter what I am moving on with my life. With or without him in it. Oh geez....I am freakin' mess. Don't judge me I am stupid!

10:18 AM - Mar. 24, 2006 - post comment

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My Crazy daily thoughts on life,world,and relationships

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