It's been way too long

Hey everyone....I have not written since MAY!!! That really is ridiculous I can't really believe it.  A LOT has happened to me...some good...some bad...lets just say my other last relationship did not work out and I am single and happy.  I must say it is not easy being single but for the type of things that have happened to me in the last seven months... I don't think its meant to be for me right now.  It is Christmas Day and I sitting at my brand new laptop.  Listening to Frank Sinatra to my new Ipod....Santa def. remembered me.  Haha...my parents got me an amazing laptop and my sister gave me the Ipod because I now work out all the time and the music at the gym is just torture.  So I totally pumped up and can wait to keep writing each day.  To some of the people that have read my blogs religiously I am so sorry for just dropping off the face of the earth....and let me tell you its a miracle I remember this freakin' password for this site.  Took me a couple of tries.  I have missed writing and promise to update often ....I need this release!!!! Muah! Merry Christmas....let the magic of Christmas carry with you all year long! Haha..i am so corny.

What I am listening to on my Ipod: Maneater- Nelly Furtado

I can't make a sound

That is how I feel as of late.  This whole entry is going back to Kara.  We got into another fight last night.  And it's all going back to her and her mother with the whole baby Wesley thing.  She is constantly talking about it, more ike venting.  I don't mind listening, but then I say something, and she takes it the wrong way.  And ends up getting all upset.  My words aren't ment to hurt her.  So, now she's upset with me again for what I said.  We talked about it last night, and I got off the phone thinking things were fine.  Then this morning I check my voicemail, and there's a message from her.  Apparently I said something last night, and upset her again!

I'm so frustrated.  I don't know what to do to fix this.  This really isn't my problem, but it's turning into my problem.  I've just started school, I don't need this additional stress add to my other things to worry about.  Things seriously need to get resolved.  Hopefully they will because right now, I feel like I can't say anything to her because my words will upset her.  And I don't want to upset her. 

Not much else to say. 

Ash

My tears are for your soul

My dear friend Terri has just died from brain cancer.  I'm so sad for her family and friends.  I'm also sad for the fact that I never got to say good-bye.  She got sick at the end of last semester, and I haven't seen her since April before she got sick.  I have this horrible sick feeling of grief in the pit of my stomach.  I feel the tears welling up as I'm typing this.  There was so much that I wanted to say to her, and now I don't have the chance to do so.  My heart goes out to her family and friends.  she is a truly wonderful person.  An angel sent from heaven to help others, that was Terri Stumphf. 

As I cry my tears will grieve for her.  My tears will will be for her soul.  A beautiful giving soul.  I will always love her.  She always told me that I was her angel, but she was mine.  She believed in me, and always gave me the love and support when I needed it.  She truly loved me.  She always told me that I was like her daughter.  My heart is full of sadness and lamented opportunities.  Terri was so young and so much she needed to do, now she'll never get that chance.  But now she's at peace in Heaven wrapped up in God's love.  Terri, god bless god keep.

Ashley

It's been awhile

Wow, it's been a super long time since I've updated this thing.  Where to start.  I'm taking a summer class, and it ends next Thursday.  Then I have more week of summer left and it's back to school.  Yuck, back to school.

Taking this summer class has made me think about a lot of things about being a teacher.  It's still my passion, but interacting with my classmates has really made me think about things.  Like yesterday, my teacher and I were talking.  And we have to work in these groups for a big project.  And my group absolutely sucks.  They find it real difficult to include me in things.  And my teacher was telling me that maybe they have some unconscious bias about people who have disabilities.  And that really got me thinking, what if that's true.  It's a real  possibility.  But I don't know if they would actually admit to me.  This a topic I would like to address to the whole class, and get their take on it.  Maybe I'll have to do that soon.

Really not much else to say.  School has pretty much consumed my time.  That's all for now.

Ash

I keep on trying

This whole Kara situation just has me going nuts.  I thought we worked everything out.  But now, I'm second guessing things.  We got into it again last night.  But this time, it was all my fault.  I was laughing at something, and didn't realize that by me laughing, I was hurting her feelings.  I  didn't realize I was doing anything wrong.  But right after, I realized.  I  apologized, but I don't think Kara wanted to hear it right then.  I totally respect that.  Sometimes when we are hurting, i it's hard to hear someone's apologizes.  But I told I didn't mean to hurt her.  I wasn't rying to hurt her.  I told her maybe we need some space to think things over.  That she could call me when she was ready to talk.  When you are calm down, you can think better and therefore talk better.  I was calm last night.  She was upset for good  reason.  So we  hung up. 

So, I woke up this morning and she left me a voicemail.  She apologized.  And she said that she wanted to talk, but she wanted me to call her back.  That's fine with me, but I'm a bit confused about something.  I don't understand why she was apologizing to me.  I'm the one who hurt her feelings.  Why was she apologizing?  I need to do that, and I will. 

Sometimes, I can't wrap my head around this.  I try to be a good friend, but I always say something to make her upset.  Is it me?  I really don't know.  I know I should address these concerns with her, but I think apart of me is scared.  I'm scared about what she might say.  I don't want our friendship to end.  So, if she's my friend, she'll hear me out.  So, I will go and see her tomorrow hopefully and fix things.  Some things are better fixed in person.

Okay, enough with this dume and gloom.  Tonight I'm going to Allison's party.  I think a party is exactly what I need right now.  It will do me some good to see my university friends.  I need to get away from this craziness of my verbal vomit. 

Ashley

goodbye for now...

 There are so many things that I want to say but I find that I am no longer able to say them honestly within this blog. I am going to take some time off for awhile and try to work out my problems as best as I can. Who knows, perhaps one day I might be able to continue my humble little blog page once again. Soon I will be starting the next chapter of my life so perhaps this will be the clean start that I have been needing for awhile. If you see someone in trouble, try your best to help them out. We may not be able to change the world right away but a simple act of kindness will always be remembered by both parties involved and thus will continue to be passed along to the next person. One person at a time and eventually we will be changing the world for the better. Good luck to everyone and may you all be able to solve your own individual problems on your own terms.

- Chol

"All By Myself"...

Title: "All By Myself"
Artist: Eric Carmen

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

weird dream.....

new apartment...

"In My Dreams"...

I used to think I was the only one.
Who never knew what it was like to fall.
But you came along, changed all the rules that day.
And just for a moment I had it all. 
You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.
I'll hold you in my dreams.

Now I go on here in my lonely world.
But there's still a bridge I cannot cross.
I can't let go so please forgive me, girl.
'Cause God only knows all that I've lost.

You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.

You are the dream I live with, you are the wish I'd made:
The name I always whisper in every prayer I pray.
Now that you left me; while you forget me.
I'll hold you, I'll hold you, in my dreams.