i am back

Posted on Sep. 23, 2006 at 20:19 - Post Comment

another update for today :) it seems i am finally back to life and thats good

i went to my cottage today .. alone.. the weather was warm and everything was so beautiful outside and i really enjoyed it a lot. i went to the lake and was sitting there for 3 hours just thinking about what is going on in my life, where i am and what i want to. it was really good because i was able to come to some conclusions which may be very important to me because they may influence my life in some serious way. i mean i know life isnt a joke and all our decisions are very important but these ones are for sure the most important for now.

i am finally back to life again. i knew i am strong and it took me lots of my inner strength to cope with this. because again i had to confront with both physical and emotional pains. and it  was pretty hard this time, harder than ever before. but people with strong characters always know what to do. i happened not to know it first but now i know  and this knowledge makes me feel a bit better. i can control myself, my emotions which means i have control over my life again. though i know that one thing can change it forever :P but i am ready for this.

having spent 3 hours with myself thinking about important things made me think over all the possible variants, and i like all of them... well... honestly not all of them but i am ready to put up with each single decision, with each direction my life may take in the future. i deserve the best like we all do  and i will get the best like i want it because i want it. because i am ready to fight for my happiness. i can only fail when people whom i like and love, whom i adore and who are important to me ... when they will not like to go the same direction as i will.. i can be alone.. it is still possible but even being alone is not as bad as being with people who are not able to fight for whatever is important for them.

our past is our past. we either get over it and move on trying to use as much from our experience as it is possible or we are stuck in it trying to remember every single moment of being happy and then we will always be unhappy because it is not possible to turn back to those times and it is only wasting of time to think that everything can be good again.

i can easily forget bad things, somehow i always tend to remember only good ones and that really helpes me a lot these last few terrible weeks. because even now i am trying to think positive and to find all the best in the situation. every day i am saying to myself: "well... my dear.. at least you dont have nightmares this time" or "dont you think the pain you have right now isnt that severe as yesterday"? funny, isnt it? i know that we all have to suffer because only then we may understand the true cost of happiness.. i am ready to suffer when i know that right after that i will be happy and enjoy life again. now i see how silly i can be sometimes when i pay attention to things that dont matter in the end, because it is only you yourself who matter in the very end and it is up to you how to live. your whole life is up to you! 

i love life though sometimes it is hard on me and a bit unfair but i guess it is what i deserve. we all get what we deserve, dont we?

and since i didnt get the chance to write the entry for you, abhay, like i promised. i am writing this small part only for you, just to thank you for being there, for supporting me in a way you even havent noticed. may be you dont know but you really were supportive all the time and i am so grateful for this. and i know you will say "its my pleasure" as always :P

i am finally back here and i wont let anyone anymore make me destroy my own life by living in the world of pains and suffering. i do not deserve this. nobody does...