*sigh*

for some reason im feeling really down now, and i dont know why. i guess im just needing to chat about the random stuff on my mind.

a lot has happened since my last blog. ive started at college, moved out of my mothers to doncaster, got engaged, again!

my fiance, sam, is great, but in donnie everybody calls him silas, dunno why, guess theres too many sams around. he's really tall, with long black hair, and i love him.

we have fights, i mean, what couple doesnt? i dont think theirs are quite as violent tho. last week we got into a fight about a pudding thing! he ended up throwing it at the window, which then hit me. lol i now have bruises all down my left arm, but you should see the one's on him! the great thing is, when he realises he's really hurt me, he gets all upset too and trys to make it all better, its great.

now ive cheered up a bit.

xxx

im happier now than before, my life has started looking up.

i technically have a boyfriend, rex, the dick i was with before, only now he has another girlfriend this one 3 months pregnant with his baby, but he still wants to go out with me

only now i live in barnsley and he lives in huddersfield, so i barely see him. im breaking up with him if i find someone else i want to go out with.

ive started smoking again with all the stress ive been under, plus with my new job life is stressful. i now work in  a shoe shop, lol.

i might be moving out of my mums finally, a friend of mine has been looking at a house to rent but its 4 bedrooms so she needs 3 other people to move in too, so ive said i would, its only £32.50 a month, so 50p more than i pay my mum at the minute, and fully furnished so hopefully i will be moving out soon.

anyway thats all for today

xx

this is my first blog in ages, and a lot has happened.

i'd better start from the beginning

i met this really nice, cute guy called david, he was a witch and we started going out.

then a couple of days later he broke p with me to go out with this other girl.

but he couldnt stay away

a couple of days later he was back with me again, but at the same time, dating this other lass in  cambridge.

i knew about her but wasnt particulary bothered.

then he started to be a jerk, started demanding more emotionally, kept trying to tap into my power to strenghen himself.

i didnt like that so i broke up with him soon after.

meanwhile, while going out with david, i met this guy called kym, he was a satanist and had enough of his own power so he wouldnt tap into mine. 10 minutes after i broke up with david me and kym started going out. now kym was 31, but that didnt bother me. david did though, he kept wanting to get back with me saying he was in love with me, when all he was in love with was my power.

and after a while me and kym started drifting apart.

he was mad about this lass called kaleigh, a friend of mine, and i mean he really fancied her, she was all he would ever go on about. then he got a new job which meant i didnt see as much of him as i used to.

i was very depressed.

one night a big group of us went out, and for that night kym said he didnt mind  who i got off with as long as he could snog kaleigh. i said yes.

that night i eneded up snogging 3 lasses and 4 lads, including my best mate and kyms best mate.

then i ended up having sex with my friend cory, when kym was only a short distance away.

i told  kym what happened, and i broke up with him, then my life went downhill.

i started going out with this lass called rose, really cute, but she broke up with me after a day coz she didnt want to admit to her parents she was bi, so that didnt end too good, and now every guy ive found will flirt or snog me at first then turn round and say they dont want a girlfriend and my life just sucks and i dont know what to do.

i just want to cry

guys.....

in case you hadnt noticed.....im back

a bit of love and attention would be nice *sniffle*

lol

love arcadia

hi guys, i know its been a while.

i kinda got kicked out from my grandparents which is why i ended up back in barnsley (it was kinda my own fault, but oh well)

now im back in huddersfield, just for my exams and taking the opportunity of being in a classroom full of computers to update my blog.

(im actually supposed to be doing my ict coursework, but im gonna fail anyway and the teacher isnt even here to help, plus it has to be done for today so i really just cant be bothered)

i really missed everyone, both here and at school and i hope to god you havent all forgotten about me!!!

coz if you have im gonna cry!!!

lol

anyway ive met a lot of new people in barnsley who i probably wouldnt have met if i hadnt ended up back at barnsley so i suppose something good came out of this.

i also let my friends know my secret, the majority of them know now, and most of them had guessed anyway.

i think its just you lot who dont know yet.

im bi, have been for the past 3 years.

and do you know the first words that came out of my ex boyfriends mouth were when i told him???

BUGGER!!!

i couldnt help but laugh!

anyway i gotta go and try to do some work

(nah, who'm i kidding, im gonna go on forums and talk to people, lol)

love ya

arcadia

ive finally been able to get a picture! yay!

(im the one on the left :] the other girl is my friend hannah)

hiya guys!!

im a lot happier today ive managed to get my head around a few things and ive been doing a lot of research lately, mainly on my witchy things.

im learning to use norse runestones at the mo, and its really interesting.

my rune is

Laguz meaning : Flow, water, sea, a fertility source, the healing power of renewal. Life energy and organic growth. Imagination and psychic matters. Dreams, fantasies, mysteries, the unknown, the hidden, the deep, the underworld. Success in travel or acquisition, but with the possibility of loss. Laguz Reversed or Merkstave: An indication of a period of confusion in your life. You may be making wrong decisions and poor judgements. Lack of creativity and feelings of being in a rut. Fear, circular motion, avoidance, withering. Madness, obsession, despair, perversity, sickness, suicide.

so it kinda suits me, even the negative side

anyways gotta go

*hugs*

they did it again. they have been turning off my computer for the last 30 mins.

do they have nothing better to do. then when business studies started emma took me outside to console me but it ended up the other way around as i started consoling her.

she tried though, which is more then any of my so called friends did.

except oliver, he did offer to beat them up for me. hes sweet.

i gotta go now, im sitting next to a student teacher guy and he keeps giving me weird looks.

what is it with miss duffy's class that attracts all the student teachers?

*hugs*

im all over the place today, my feelings are mixed going from hyper excitement to depressing misery.

the little things people say or do can make me blow up with the most innocent of bystanders.

at this moment in time i feel nothing will go right in my life.

i hate this feeling, i wish i could be rid of it once and for all,

the tears, the depression, the suicidal thoughts.

it corners me everywhere i turn, i cannot escape it, for it always catches up.

im drowning in the sorrows and miserys of others and nobody gives a damn.

whats a girl to do?

i just want to get out of this hellhole and be free of my ties.

all i want to do at the moment is spread my wings and fly, let loose of all my worries and troubles, leave them for another day.

i hate all this, i want to be free.

Arcadia

nothing really drastic has happened these past few days (apart from me recording a cd at the town hall with choir, and that hasnt really scarred me for life) (much)

so i thought i'd take this opportunity to tell you a few of my favourite things.

 gerard way!! hot!!!

nightwish

really cool music and cute guys!

evil faeries!! yay!! by my fave artist jasmine becket-griffith

swords!!  (this is the scorpion sword, its my starsign as well)

and these are the fighting knives of legolas from lotr. i would love a pair of these!!!

anyway i gotta go.

love ya loads!!

*hugs*

(wow i think this is the first blog i havent sworn in)

there are several things i have been forgetting to put in these blogs.

firstly i sang a solo christmas eve at church and 2 lads from our school were there and i sang it without a microphone with a deaf guy playing the organ. i rock!! yay!!

even though i was singing once in royal davids city.

also for the past 2 days there have been no seats left on the bus so i have been sitting on joe's knee and jess classes that as flirting, i mean how is that flirting????

oh and on tuesday i felt really bad coz id had an awful day then 2 jerks decided to throw yogurt over me. if alex hadnt been hugging me and trying to cheer me up i would have jumped in front of the first bus that went past.

anyway i gotta go

*hugs*

i love fridays!!!

sarah wasnt here last friday and i had a great day!

but the best thing is what happened at the bus stop after school.

there's this guy who fancies me, (because several people from my school read this blog i cant say his name so for now i'll call him thor) and anyway he waits at the bus stop with us.

and on friday alex was getting really stressed, i mean really stressed!! he was pulling his hair out and shaking and everything.

so i just cuddled him, and held his hand, until he calmed down.

meanwhile, thor is seething because me and alex are holding hands and hugging.

then alex kissed me.

now everyone knows there is nothing between us coz alex is gay and everything, and i mean it wasnt like a kiss on the lips or owt. but thor just stormed off to the other side of the busstop.

a little later when the bus was coming, thor seemed okay gainn  and everyone was walking to the bus when alex shouted 'i love you amanda' and i shouted back 'i love you alex' even though we were standing next to each other, but thor just stormed off, and he didnt talk to me at all this morning.

i think somebody is jealous

i swear every word of this is true!!

*hugs*

i knew i forgot something yesterday.

another reason why i had a **** christmas is because everyone got me pink.

i mean come on PINK!!!

im gonna kill my mum she told everyone to get me girlie tuff like makeup and sh*t.

life sucks!!

1 good thing

this morning i got to see 2 of the guys i like most.

oh and last night i was talking to a weirdo from leeds who thinks im hot even though hes never seen me.

that cheered me up a little

*hugs*

im back from barnsley, where i was spending christmas hols and things are as bad as ever.

i cant handle this.

i did something stupid this year at christmas. i let myself get stressed and depressed ..... and then i tried to take an overdose.

i was out for 12 hours straight.

then i got so depressed on christmas day i took another overdose.

im obviously still here though, and my system is pretty f*ck*d up but, well at least i still have my health, right?

my lifes a big joke, i cant cope with this, im getting picked on by everyone, even people who i consider as friends and i just cant cope.

sarahs at it again, kicking me every break, every lunch time, every day, kicking me, pulling my hair, getting mud all over  my trousers so i look like a scruff and gives people even more reason to pick on me.

she gets to me so much , ive started smoking again and cutting myself.

i just want to end it.

im just sitting here and i want to cry so much. i hate my life

i can see my comments! i can see my comments!

i have just found out i can access my comments through rowena's friends page, and wow do i have a lot of comments.

chol, you wouldnt think im your kinda babe if you ever see me.

as soon as i get my emails back in january i will be able to post a picture of me and you will see what i mean.

i bumped into seedy on saturday in kingsgate. i ending up going back to his house with him and ended up doing the washing up for his mum, (i have no idea how that happened).

anyway im meeting up with him tomorrow coz we have a half day at school, and my final exam is after dinner, (ugh, business studies!).

then i can give him his birthday prezzie and christmas prezzie.

i cant wait!!

i'll talk more tomorrow, bells gonna go in 5 mins.

*hugs*

im still cant get to my comments, and rowena has emailed them to me again but the school is still blocking me off my emails coz i swore!

it isnt fair, i put *** in place off it but it still blocked me.

(in case you havent guessed, i didnt swear there i just have no idea how to spell *)

oh and do you all remember alex?

apparently im his future sister in law.

he is determined im gonna get together with his brother, chris, who is 21.

some how i dont think my mum would be best pleased about me having a gay brother in law.

oh well, she'll have to get used to it.

gotta go

*hugs*

i am really stuck with wayne.

i just want to be friends but he wants to get back with me.

he called me thursday night, bugging me to meet up with him on saturday.

so i text him on saturday and told him id meet him at laserquest. (this was at 2)

got chatting to ritchie, jay, grahame and ben.

next time i looked at the clock it was 2.45.

i was just really pissed off by the time it got to 3.

ben could see i was pissed at something so he asked me what was up

i told him and said to him 'i dont care if wayne walks in that door right now, i am not talking to him.'

guess who walks in 2 minutes later.

typical just bloody typical.

and my hands are hurting becasue i had an english mock exam earlier, i wrote 3 pages, 6 sides. but it was worth it.

if i dont get at least a b i am gonna scream, that was the best exam ive ever done.

anyway, everyone at laserquest now thinks im going out with wayne. (i was but i broke up with him and they dont know that) which means that the guys i fancy from down there will keep away coz they think im with wayne.

i hate life!!!!!!

and i got seedy's christmas prezzie the other day, its this really cool box with pentagrams and moons on it, and the lid has a really cool dragon with a crystal ball.

i think he'll like it.

and i also got my friend hannah this really cool spiked necklace and bracelet set.

(i didnt spend all saturday getting gothic presents you know. i do buy normal presents for normal peopl. not that i know many.)

hmm, maybe i should gtet alex a prezzie, we've been getting on well recently and he's even stopped calling me lesbian mole person.

oh, and speaking of alex , i did a great one this lunchtime.

alex and joe (my ex) were hitting each other and i said to alex "what have i told you about hitting on my ex boyfriend"

then i turned to joe and said

"joe what have i told you about hitting on my gay friends"

it took a while for it to sink in but he got there in the end.

hehe. i'll never think of a line like that again as long as i live.

i'd best get off, miss is giving me a mucky look.

*hugs*

something really funny happened yesterday break.

i was pissed off coz i was getting picked on and i went into the girls changing room (coz i had p.e next),

and i was basically calming myself down, saying a little something, (a really easy protection spell)

and some of the b*tch*s from the year below came in, starting to pick on me, and at this point i was sitting in a corner, my head down, and i just looked at them, and they just went quiet and left me alone.

then this morning one of them came up and asked me what was wrong with me yesterday, because 'my eyes were red and i looked like i'd been possesed by the devil'

i just laughed at her and said maybe i was.

i really love freaking people out.

*hugs*

im stuck.

i have no idea what to do about wayne

i still cant move out

and im stuck at filling in a bloody form for huddersfield new college.

whats a girl to do?

sarah has suggested i tell wayne im lesbian, but he'll know that isnt true.

everyone is assuming im not wanting to go back out with him, but the truth is im not sure what i want.

i mean he is really the only guy to find me attractive and sure he's a bit older than me but so what?

he understands about my depression and he's okay with the witchy thing.

im never gonna find another guy that finds me attractive again, and if im with wayne i may be able to move out.

i just feel like crying.

*hugs*

remember all the hassle i had dumping my ex?

well i got a text last night. well several texts actually.

he wants to meet up with me on saturday, and wants me to give him a late birthday present.

and i know what he has in mind.

i am totally confused, i have no idea what im gonna do, im not even sure how i really feel about him.

any advice is greatly appreciated

*hugs*