Detrimental Entanglement

15 For the Moment

I woke up at 7:10, showered, ate breakfast, and then was carted off to Westview. I spent 13 hours working at the Winterguard show thing, and 13 hours contemplating my own mortality.

Last night, Fewer asked if we had ever thought about death... I didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream, to cry, to yell.
But that would be irrational.

I spent all day with Cole and Alex and everyone else who I rarely speak to. I started thinking about Corbin. About the things I couldn't wait to tell him. About the way I've been.
Then at lunch time, Ginger said something...
"Val, your mom is outside!"

Do I dare to explain the joy I felt within my entire body to hear that? How does one compare total bliss to everyday life?
I ran to the window, and saw nothing but middle school colorguard girls, dropping flags.
It was then that I started thinking about moving on.

You said once that Michael represents my middle school life... Well, you represent the change and transition from childhood to adulthood. You know everything there has ever been to know about me. My deepest secrets, the ones I'd never soberly tell anyone.
So much history. So much time.
I'll say this one last time, so that we can just get it out. So that there is no confusion, no question...

I'll still watch eagerly for your screenname to message me. I'll still wait everynight for you to call. I'll still hope that you'll come up to me in the band room, and lead me to an indescretion. I'll still love you.

Until the day that my breath leaves my body. I won't forget. I won't ignore.

I feel like the biggest asshole in the world, because I did this to us, and I miss you.

"It's alright to cry or be angry. I wish you would be angry for once, because I hate to see you sad. I wish I could say the words to make this better, but the paint hat you're feeling is what make life worth it. You're too young to hurt this badly, but I understand. You two were the closest of friends, even if he didn't think so. He'll be in denial, and it'll hurt you, but this is life. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. With time, the sting will fade, and you two will talk."

"What if he never wants to talk to me again? Everything between us doesn't just disappear, everything still exists, and whenever I think about it, I get sick. I always get sick."

I told her everything... I opened up and I didn't disengage.

Thank you JV Colorguard for the moment of weakness you're about to experience:

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

Am I alright with my decision? No.
Do I feel good about this? No.

Was it right for you and I? Probably.

Normally you're the one to justify pain, but let me take the first shot.
I was hurting with you. You were right, we fell into a groove and we couldn't escape it, because I didn't want to. I didn't care if we were together or not, because I would still have you no matter what.
You deserve better than that. You say you haven't found anything better than me yet, but have you been looking? I'm the worst person for you, and you're someone who I let inside. I wish I could lie to you and say that I'm happy and that I'm ready for someone else.
Maybe you'll find solace in the fact that I'm miserable and finally paying for my six months of denial.
At least you got to know me a little bit before I decided to die inside.

"...And if you return to her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you..."

Pi

10:07 PM - Saturday, March 18, 2006 - post comment

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