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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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As i listen to our new song,
i realize how much sense it makes,
everything it says, everything it means,
its like, like if my heart re-a-wakes.
oh baby, if you only you can know
how much i love you,
baby, im so obssesed,
im sick, sick of love flu.
baby, i cant go on one hour
without thinking of you!
your always in my mind!
your all i think baby! it's true!
im madly in love with you sam
i wanna spend the rest of my life!
with you by my side for all eternity,
i want you, to be with me, as my wife,
i want you to know the truth,
baby, your the reason im possessed,
im possessed by you sam!,
your everything, im so obssesed...
if you only knew the jealousy i keep,
if you only knew how jealous i get,
when you talk about a guy, or say there name,
i get so envious, because at least them you have met,
you have seen them and they to you,
but it gets worse, my obsession is growing!
everything i talk about in school,
is you sam!, and i know ill keep going.
i know ill keep going, and growing my obsession,
sam!, thats why my mom doesnt like you,
as thought to be something cute, or romantic
has turned into some type of taboo!!
(taboo: verb: declare as sacred and forbidden )
baby, my friends are going away from me,
i talk about you over and over again,
your stuck in my heart, your in my mind,
im going insane, from ten im a ten!
your the only thing in my life,
that holds me together
that keeps me in place, i need you sam,
with me, i need you today and forever!.
baby, you have become my life,
you have become in which my very soul,
needs you! for me to be living,
your took over me!!, you have all the control,
my heart made a contract, and put its life in it,
it made a contract for you and yourself,
that it will only belong to you, and if you were to leave
it promised, to end my heart, and myself.
you have become the substance on which i live,
you have become the very essence,
of my life, your my most purest possesion,
your my most greatest quintessence
(quintessence: noun: the purest and most concentrated essence of something )
sam, my obsesion is getting worse.
when you talk about anyone
its like a warship came to me
and shot me with a naval gun
(naval gun: noun: naval weaponry consisting of its largest gun carried on a warship)
and its becoming where it might not be guys
it might be girls where i get envious
im so selfish sam, i know.......
i know i shouldnt get so jealous.
you wanted me to be open,
well here i am, expressing how i feel,
telling you how i am,
with nothing to hide, nothing to conceal.
baby, i have come to a point,
where i dont care anymore, i would die,
i would die, end my life, just for once
i can say i love you eye to eye,
im sick sam, i know for a fact that,
if you were to live here,
you would see me everywhere following you
i would be your shadow, always near.
id become everything i never wanted to be,
obssesed with a girl!, sam if your were to tell me,
to jump off a cliff, i would jump!, and jump faster!
than you can say samantha marie!
sam, im scared of what i might do
i dont want to do something i might regret
SAM!, im not only becoming dangerous,
i might become a threat,
sam, im crying telling you this
because you have to know
what your getting your self into if you stay with me,
and it wont get better, my obssesion will only grow!
i have to ask you something,
do you really want to be with me?
do you think, you can live a life with me like this?
sam, im giving you a chance to be free!
sam, my love has become a disease!
sam, im begging you!, im on my knees!!!
becareful of your decision!, please!!
are you sure you can live a life with me?, full of jealousy?!?!
i dont know what to do sam..,
you can be alone, you can be free,
you dont have to deal with this
you dont have to deal with me!!!
you wanted me to be open, so im giving you what you wanted,
so hear i am, giving you my heart and telling you.
what will happen if you stay with me...
and what... you might and will go through...
so i ask again to you
do you want to live a life like this?
with me?, whatever your answer maybe,
i promise, if you say yes, ill always be.. a bliss
(bliss: noun: a state of extreme and total happiness )
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| I was told today by a Japanese friend of mine that I had the soul of a Samurai. Most of my life I tried practicing and living the Creed of the Samurai, and so it was a great honor to be told such a thing... - Chol Creed of a Samurai (revised)
I have no parents - I make the heavens and earth my parents. I have no home - I make awareness my home. I have no life or death - I make the tides of breathing my life and death. I have no divine power - I make honesty my divine power. I have no means - I make understanding my means. I have no magic secrets - I make character my magic secret. I have no body - I make endurance my body. I have no eyes - I make the flash of lightning my eyes. I have no ears - I make sensibility my ears. I have no limbs - I make promptness my limbs. I have no strategy - I make "unshadowed by thought" my strategy. I have no designs - I make "seizing the opportunity by the forelock" my design. I have no miracles - I make right action my miracles. I have no principles - I make adaptability to all circumstances my principles. I have no tactics - I make emptiness and fullness my tactics. I have no talents - I make ready wit my talent. I have no friends - I make my mind my friend. I have no enemy - I make carelessness my enemy. I have no armor - I make benevolence and righteousness my armor. I have no castle - I make immovable mind my castle. I have no sword - I make absence of self my sword. Samurai Creed (classic)
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A hauntingly beautiful melody for moments that you need to think... - Chol Artist: Evanescence Title: "My Immortal" I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave Because your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone * These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have, all of me * You used to captivate me By your resonating light But now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all of the sanity in me * These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have, all of me * I'd love to walk away And pull myself out of the rain But I cant leave without you I'd love to live without The constant fear and endless doubt But I can't live without you * When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When youd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all, of me | ||
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A beautiful Japanese song with a very melancholic undertone. Translated into English for those of you who are not Japanese literate. - Chol Artist: Nakashima Mika Title: "Find The Way" Original Japanese Lyrics by: Nakashima Mika Why do you try to bear the wounds, with your tiny little hands? It's not for someone else. Don't lose sight. Why can't I escape while fretting about where to go? I wish for the sun's light to show me the way. * Find the Way Though your hand doesn't reach to the glittering space, rely only on the love which echoes Down the path you've followed, you'll find the light. You'll Find the Way * You said, "I had a long dream, a very sad one" But it never got you down. I said "It's ok to cry, I'll always be here for you" I wanted to put out my hands to pick you up in my arms * Find the Way Even without words or wings to fly If you've awakened to your pain, faster than anyone, not to be overwhelmed by wild winds surely there's more to it than simply answering, you don't need to rush yourself, you too... * Find the Way Though your hand doesn't reach to the glittering space, rely only on the love which echoes Down the path you've followed, you'll find the light. * Find the Way Even without words or wings to fly If you've awakened to your pain, faster than anyone, not to be overwhelmed by wild winds * Down the path I've followed, I saw a light I could believe in You'll Find the Way * Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma | ||
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regrets... you try and play it off like it doesnt mean anything to you but you know that deep down inside you have a conscience. months after you think all is over and done, you still remember the voices and the things that were once said. you know you made a mistake. you know you should have been stronger. you know that you have hurt someone who didnt deserve to be hurt. you know that perhaps you hurt yourself the most in the end. why must you have to see the end results of your actions? why must you still wonder how they are doing now? the seeds of doubt once planted will grow and multiply like many unwanted weeds. promises were made and in the end, promises were easily broken. how can you claim to wanting to be righteous when you still continue to sin? maybe your exile has taught you nothing after all. maybe you are unable to change who and what you are. maybe you are destined to be alone. in the end saying that you are sorry only to yourself is the way a coward does things. you are really not as brave as you thought that you were. be a man and do the right thing if you dare. | ||
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and then there was only silence... weird how at one time my phone never stopped being used. it seemed like i talked so much that i was always having to recharge the battery. this past week there has only been silence. i sometimes call myself just to make sure that there wasn't anything wrong with the ringer. strange how you get used to, and then miss the small inconveniences. i've been in a super mellow mood the past few weeks. days and nights are spent chillin to slow songs. i alternate from japanese, korean, pop, and to easy jazz from the 40's - 60's. while listening to music i'll be doing some pretty heavy thinking... part of being cursed with having an over-active brain. i think of every imaginable scenario of which path my life will choose. its a pity how we always make some bad choices in life. when i'm bored i think of how my life would have been if i chose another path or if things turned out differently. today i tried to force someone to say something that they didn't want to say. funny how everything changes just from one small action. i hate it when doubt settles in. have a good day and stay safe everyone. | ||
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Dedicated to a very special person in my life... - Chol
Title: The Truth
Just wanna be so good to you,
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well i spent the past couple of days in LA and i'm pretty much bored out of my head. i know.. how can u be bored in LA right? traffic here is worse than i remembered it. a 10 mile trip should've only taken me 15 mins tops but ended up taking almost an hour. i hung out in chinatown yesterday and has some pretty good viet food. hella expensive tho.. ended up spending like $34 on lunch and carryout dinner. lolz. lots and lots of good bargains. had to really keep cool otherwise i'd end up buying everything. bought a paper and checked out rentals then went to a temp agency and got my name on the database. the hotel i'm staying in is pretty nice...Best Western Royale in Pasadena.. pretty high for a hotel.. $70 a night WITH AAA card. at least they have high speed internet (high speed meaning it was dsl.. slow ass one at that .. lol.) called up some old friends... everyone was busy so i was pretty much left by myself in the big city. gas here is so freakin high ... good thing i had an import car as a rental. been driving around just checking out the sites again. last time i was here was 3 years ago. alot has changed since then. i think LA is not the right place to move to. rent is high, gas is high, and traffic is horrible. might have to try Seattle next. well thats all i have for tonite. gonna fly back to Austin in the morning. man.. i really appreciate Austin after having a weekend like this. one small note... I'm really missing someone special right now. maybe thats why i'm having such a bad time here. ...take cares and have a good day everyone. | ||
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Dedicated to a very special person in my life, for we will always be dreamers until we are finally together... - Chol
Artist: Sarah McLachlan Song: "Rainbow Connection"
Why are there so many songs about rainbows | ||
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| I heard that my special friend is not feeling well so this song is dedicated especially for her. Here's to the child in all of us... - Chol  Artist: Elmo Song: "Elmo's Song" This is the song La la la la Elmo's song. La la la la, La la la la, Elmo's song. * La la la La la la la, la La la la La la la la, la * He loves to sing, La la la la, Elmo's song. La la la la, La la la la, Elmo's song. * He wrote the music. He wrote the words. That's Elmo's song. * This is the song, La la la la Big Bird's song. La la la la, La la la la, Big Bird's song. * La la la La la la la, la La la la La la la la, la * I love to sing, La la la la, Big Bird's song. La la la la, La la la la, Big Bird's song. * I love the music. I love the words. That's Big Bird's song! * This is the song, La la la la Snuffy's song. La la la la, La la la la, Snuffy's song. * La la la, La la la la. La la la la la. La la la, La la la la. La la la la la. * I love to sing, La la la la, Snuffy's song. La la la la, La la la la, Snuffy's song. * He wrote the music. We wrote the words. That's Snuffy's, that's Big Birds That's Elmo's song! * Oh, Yeah! | ||
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i came across this thingie online and thought it was pretty cool. it's amazing how the human brain works sometimes... - Chol
Olny 13,345 plopee can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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| today i actually have free time to write from work. the past year has been so crazy at the old workplace because we have been so short handed. since then we have hired 3 temp workers to help out and i am finally caught up for the first time. the manager isnt here today, no work, and i have some nice louis armstrong and ella fitzgerald playing on the pc. its a nice and mellow day to just chill. i went to sleep early for the first time last night... about 11 pm and slept until 6 am. considering it was a workday.. thats really alot of sleep for me. i had my mobile shut off so i could sleep and when i checked my messenger this morning i had some people who were actually concerned about me. lol. u turn off the phone for a night and they think ur dead. lolz. my boss is missing today. the secretary is missing today. its a wonderful day! hahaha. spring break ended this past week and i didnt even do a damn thing. then we had the biggest music festival here in austin also... South By Southwest and i didnt even go see one of my fav bands from japan. this week Quintin Tarrantino is having a film festival but the tickets are so damn high. its like $125. i dig him and his movies but thats wayyyy too much for tickets. saturday morning i'm flying out to LA to look around and see if i can find a decent place to move to. i'm flying back on monday afternoon. gotta get myself hooked up with some temp agencies over there. if all goes well i should be out of texas by the end of july... mid august at the latest. its kinda exciting preparing for a new move. all of this is old hat for me but i still get excited at the prospect of moving to a new place. well manager just showed up so i better end this thing and act like i have some work to do. have a wonderful day everyone and stay safe. | ||
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its been such a long time since my last entry so i think i have to try and write a little something just to keep in practice. =) . the whole purpose of my blog was therapy for the difficult emotional times that i experienced last october. being a guy, and a thuggish guy at that, i had no one to talk to about some problems i had. so i thought that if i put down my thoughts in print, its a good way of releasing what i had inside of me. online no one knows who i am or what i look like. i can be totally anonymous. i think the biggest mistake i made was letting some people who were close to me be aware that i actually kept up a blog. that kinda backfired in such a way cause i found i had to censor myself. thankfully those days are now gone. i've pretty much alienated myself from everyone close to me so can pretty much write what is on my mind again. now that i am free to write.. i find that i have nothing to write about! lol on me. hahahaha. even though i have alot of crap on my mind.. life has been pretty good for me. the only gripes i have is my insomnia. i have been stressing alot about cash and i have 2 pretty fawked up cars that has been continuously a money drain on me. i need to hurry up and fix my street racer so that i can sell the piece of crap truck i'm driving around. last week i actually had a mexican guy wanting to buy it off from me! i can't sell it yet cause the street racer isnt road ready. between the cars and my upcoming relocation to cali.. i am majorly stressed. right now i have a good job with decent wages but am wanting to relocate to a larger city which might enable me to get a good job for my special friend. i would go into details but would rather not at this time. *winks*. even with all of the stress and lack of sleep (been sleeping about 2 - 4 hours nightly), i am still fairly happy. i know that i am loved and i know that i love. thats the thing that has been keeping me going these many months. i think i've written enough so am gonna end it on a positive note. just keep the faith in something, be it in religion or love. have a wonderful day everyone and stay safe. | ||
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Song: "Girl It's You" Artist: Devotion
If you were right here with me
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Artist: Mariah Carey Song: "Without You" No I can't forget this evening Or your face as you were leaving But I guess that's just the way The story goes You always smile but in your eyes Your sorrow shows Yes it shows No I can't forget tomorrow When I think of all my sorrow When I had you there But then I let you go And now it's only fair That I should let you know What you should know * I can't live If living is without you I can't live I can't give anymore I can't live If living is without you I can't give I can't give anymore * Well I can't forget this evening Or your face as you were leaving But I guess that's just the way The story goes You always smile but in your eyes Your sorrow shows Yes it shows * I can't live If living is without you I can't live I can't give any more I can't live If living is without you I can't give I can't give anymore | ||
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Song: "Here and Now" Artist: Luther Vandross One look in your eyes * Holding you close through the night * I look in your eyes * Here and now * When I look in your eyes * Here and now Starting here * Starting here (I believe) * Here and now | ||
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| welcome back to me! hahaha. this past week has been an extremely tiring one and i have been surviving on no more than 3 hours sleep nightly. so yesterday after work i really needed a nap before cooking some dinner and went to lie down. the next thing i knew it was 10:30 pm. i thought about getting up for a minute but then just went right back to sleep again. looked at the clock later on and it was 4:30 AM. hahaha. since i had to be at work at 7 am... there was no way i was gonna be getting up at that time so i went back to sleep another few hours again. back at work now and am feeling great! actually arrived 10 minutes early! everyone was kinda surprised cause i always roll in about 5 - 15 minutes late. hahaha. and one of the guys brought me 2 breakfast tacos! woo hoo... scored! this weekend is starting off good already... hopefully it'll finish off as well as it started. well gotta start working now so have a great saturday everyone. peace! | ||
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| i have no idea how long its been since my last blog so thought perhaps its time to write a little something again. even tho i have been working alot and my stress level is fairly high, i find that i am fairly content with my life. no i'm not completely happy. i don't think i will truly be happy until the one i love is here to fill the void in my life. all of my free time is just spent chilling with some music. i have been watching little or no tv at all. all the news i get has been thru the internet. i'm quite oblivious to what has been going on in our little blogging community. all i do is daydream. lolz. no i am not trying to escape into a fantasy world but just planning out the future in my head. anyways its getting late and i really don't have much more to say so i just better leave it at that. take care everyone and i hope you all are handling your problems as well as you can. | ||
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saw another DVD this weekend which i thought was a pretty awesome movie, "Kingdom of Heaven" with Orlando Bloom. the action scenes are great. the interaction between him and the forbidden princess, captivating. it pretty much had it all... i especially like the heroism portrayed in the movie and the codes that a knight was supposed to live by. i'm surprised why it didnt do as well at the box office because i thought it was an extremely enjoyable move, much better than "troy" with brad pitt. here's a movie review for those that wants to know a little about the plotline. i give the movie 2 thumbs and toes up. awesome movie!
During the Crusades--the world shaping 200-year collision between Europe and the East--a blacksmith named Balian has lost his family and nearly his faith. The religious wars raging in the far-off Holy Land seem remote to him, yet he is pulled into that immense drama. Amid the pageantry and intrigues of medieval Jerusalem he falls in love, grows into a leader, and ultimately uses all his courage and skill to defend the city against staggering odds. Destiny comes seeking Balian in the form of a great knight, Godfrey of Ibelin, a Crusader briefly home to France from fighting in the East. Revealing himself as Balian's father, Godfrey shows him the true meaning of knighthood and takes him on a journey across continents to the fabled Holy City. In Jerusalem at that moment--between the Second and Third Crusades--a fragile peace prevails, through the efforts of its enlightened Christian king, Baldwin IV, aided by his advisor Tiberias, and the military restraint of the legendary Muslim leader Saladin. But Baldwin's days are numbered, and strains of fanaticism, greed, and jealousy among the Crusaders threaten to shatter the truce. King Baldwin's vision of peace--a "kingdom of heaven"--is shared by a handful of knights, including Godfrey of Ibelin, who swear to uphold it with their lives and honor. As Godfrey passes his sword to his son, he also passes on that sacred oath: to protect the helpless, safeguard the peace, and work toward harmony between religions and cultures, so that a kingdom of heaven can flourish on earth. Balian takes the sword and steps into history. | ||
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well i had a pretty interesting friday. 2 of my co-workers and i went out to a mexican restaurant to eat for lunch and i think we're all pretty drunk now. lolz. we each bought ourselves a round then took turns buying each other the next 3 rounds of drink. considering that we had a 1 hour lunch... we ended up taking 1 hour 30 mins. hahaha. i had 4 margaritas and the other 2 guys had 4 beers. we have been working our asses off the past month so decided to un-wind a little bit. looking at my other co-workers.. i think they are feeling as good as i am. the other guy wants to go for happy hour after work. hahahaha. man i am sooo wasted. havent been this drunk in a longggg time. fortunately we dont look like we're that drunk. we're all just happy. hahhaaha. my boss doesnt even have a clue. anyways as soon as i get home i'm gonna lie down and take a nap. the other 2 guys wants to make it a regular thing every other friday. iono.. it seems kinda dangerous tho. having a drink is aight but anything more than 3 is too much. aight thats all i have so have a wonderful evening everyone. | ||
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