I made a decision ! A big, big, decision something  i'd been thinking about for a long time now. Ws it the right now? I really don't k now, I mean, for now it was because i really can't give the affection and things someone in love needs. Anyway, i think what's happened with me and him is a case of too much dissapointment. When i think about him now i think about the year that was wasted, how far we could have been by now, how deep my  love was , and how easily it all shattered. It took me a long time nd the help of someone else to get over him, i really really loved him, i know it seems kinda crazy that i don't love him now, but i'm extremly emotional and i went through a lot of rollercoasters with him ....

The story..i don't feel like typing it all out, but it started out with me telling lies because i didn't know if i could trust him with the truth( sounds weird i know) but once i thought that i could that he would love me regardless i opened up with the truth and tried the relationship thing. Well i thought things were going well ..but they weren't..he said he was coo..but deep down the way we began ( the lies) was eatting away at him, keeping him from fully giving himself to me, even though he did love me. So needless to say we broke up, we stayed broken up 8 mos and then in june he said he wanted to date again, i was skeptical cuz the break up really took a lot out of me( ask anyone) but he reassured me that he was SURE tha he wanted to be with me, that he loved me, and trusted me....i still love dhim so i gave it a go, but...not without letting him know how skeptical i was, so he said

" look im so sure i want this, just give it a chance, give me a month and if u don't feel and see the change in me then i'll leave u alone and never ask u to date again" ....we rarely talked once we start dating again, i mean he was" sick and stressed"....we'd talk for like mins on average , and text messages late at night to say 'sorry for being so distant" text messages i still have by the way( saved on sim card)....it was heartbreaking, after all that, ALL that reassuring and him knowing how skeptical i was, THIS is how u gonna act when we finally start dating again? WTF..gee i really felt comforted in the fact tha he loved me and  our love was tight ( sarcasm if u can't tell) ....well needless to say it was the exclamation point at the end of that sentence. I felt like our love failed....anyway recently he's been wanting to get back together, to date ..be fwb..something anything more than friends, and he recently( tonight) said the words " if i meant anything to u, u'd do whatever it takes" FUKK that...how many freaking trials do u think UR going to put my heart through? What's gonna be so different about this time? And whatever it takes, excuse me....i was ready to do whatever it freaking took THEN...i was willing to move to his city, even decided i'd raise our kids in his religion. But now that i'm NOT in love with u, don't expect me to compromise myself just because at one time i LOVED u....geez...i really dun get guys...wha...cause u got ur butt on a plane( finally) and been telling me u want me is gonna make me be like oh ok...forgot how bad it hurt when we tried and it didn't work the last time....ahh jus so frustrating, especially when he was like, " i'm jus amazed tha u keep saying u want to be loved and have someone step up to the plate but you don't want that'

Anyway, he said that it's either all or nothing, and the decision i chose today was nothing, it's not going to be easy, but im not gonna string along either. I coulda and was going to say, ok we can date, but i have such resentment and bitter feelings that i don't even think of him in any way other than friendship, so wha would it benefit him to date someone who doesn't offer hugs or kisses..or any of the sweet things tha makes love so worth while...anyway his friendship and having him around did mean a lot to me, just sad it had to end this way.