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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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Finally...i'm
feeling better, Christmas is over and it was a banger. We started
another new tradition for Christmas day called white elephant..i dun
feel like oging into detail ( i know shocker) lol but it was very fun,
the day was going very , very, all my gifts were nice, the food was
good, and the fellowship of friends and family was very cool, as usual
i hung with david and my lil cousins,tw and judy came over and we
exchanged gifts..they btoh did very well with their gifts,i on the
other hand got tw shirt too small, and judy a cd she already owned lol
so..blah..but it was still good fellowship. Anyway, deep into the night
around clean up time i began to feel the sadness , my mother had been
tralking about "her baby" all day...he's out of town...and didn't
really care about tha, but she began to play all these love songs, song
which i know makes her think of sam, and it wasn't until she played one
of my dad's old songs tha i lost it. I heard my brother say something
like, " i dun think i can take this song" it's through the years
by kenny rodgers...my mom sang it to my dad at their ceremony for the
renewal of their vows, my dad cried..and every since it's been their
song. How do i know the other songs make her think of sam, because she
says they do,so0ngs like," how did u get here" by debroah cox" and some
song tha goes like" because of u i smile" But anyway i aske dmy mom if
she could turn the song off, and she said why it reminds u of dad? and
i jus start crying...as my shoulders began to heap i felt arms being
wrapped around me. I'm not sure who the arms belonged to but it's between my mom and al, who joined me in heaping over the sliced ham. I heard my uncles and aunts discussin wha was happening, one of them said," being dead aint so bad' lol eventually i went upstairs to avoid further bringing down the mood. But...i think i needed tha cry, that deep cry complete with warm arms to embrace the pain...ahh it felt good to have my mom show me some emotion... I tried to act as tho nothing happened, so when J went to lay her head on my shoulder i brushed by her and was like come on , lets go get our gifts. I had a long talk lassnigh with Tw. We discussed some things that keeps coming up between us, i always find tha hard to do, but ti was done. I made a decision lassnight tha i told D about but after thinking i totally changed my mind, oh yea seems as though the sick bug h as caught him now, tha sucks. Tee finally called me at midnight, i was thinking to myself FUKK OFF lol but i politely said i would call him back, in which i did not, instead, i left him a text message telling him i was mad at him for waiting to freaking midnight to call his"best friend' this morning, he called me three times with no answer from me. I really intended to write him off today, but i talked to *gasp* my mom and i also remembered something from church awhile, so twenty minutes after a text message" call me" i finally called him and we had a nice chat as well, he was very apologetic.." i fig' u'd be busy with ur fam" whaevea Tyrus lol... I'm sick of ppl like him, i give and give my time, emotion, and affection, and they jus freaking play with it, and take for granted..well no more...sorry. It's sad cuz I loved him, cuz i wanted so much for him, for us..and everyone ask's me if i loved him and i was always unsure, but im sure now, yes i did...and now i jus feel so down sometimes cuz i feel like i keep wasting my love on ppl who dun deserve it..and there's ppl like Tw who wonder why im not giving it to him when he clearly wouldn't abuse it. Today Tee told me the reason he cried the other night is becuz he was lonely...lol i almost laughed out loud, but instead i jus didn't say anything..I mean WTF. Anyway, he's supposed to come by later with my gift we'll see.... | ||
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