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I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help.....

A new traditionDec. 25, 2005

every year my  dad's side of the family would host a Christmas party where everyone would come and we'd have a talent show. Well...we haven't done tha in about three years and this year we did something different. Yesterday started out badly for me, i was such a *****, i was in a horrible mood and it showed =/ Anyway i went and hung out with Tw and im sure he could tell wha kinda mood i was in. Anyway we went to wal-mart where i got a lot of looks from old peverted azz men lol We were gonna go look at christmas lights but something came up....when i got home mom said we were going to my brother's house to open our gifts there instead of waiting til morning and having him and his fam come here.

The idea was nice in thought, but my sis -n- law does things differently...she's not warm and welcoming....so we always feel kinda weird being there...but we take all our gifts from under our tree and take them over there, when we get to my beother's house we see that they already have a huge, MASSIVE amount of presents under their tree..the kind of tree we used to have as kids from back in the day lol, i was jus amazed  tha their presents took up all theire floor space in their living room...so im like" we're ognna be here all night!" and my sis comes in and is like "nah...we're not opening all our gifts..just the ones u guys brought" so i burst out, "man , what's the point of us coming over here then?' My mom later told me that it was rude the way i said it, but i honestly didn't mean it that way lol


So before we evern go over there my mom has our neighbor make some chilli for us to take over, i'm thinking EWWW no way am i eating anything from her house because well..she looks gross..she smokes, and has mechanic hands..u know all black and greasy looking...so i say this to my mom and she basically slaps me with her eyes,i felt bad for my comment, but i was jus being honest. So im sitting there so hungry at my bro's house and im like F-- it..i go for the chilli and it's GREAT..best dern chilli I've ever had lol...so i literally ate my words. My mom enjoyed  seeing me eat the chilli, she kept ocming around saying," tha o' chilli aint to bad huh?" By the end of the night i apologized for my snotty behavior, and my sis n law also gave in and opened the monstrasidy(sp) of gifts...all in all it was a nice  change....

I'm not feeling much better,, it comes and goes..when i'm with my brother's i'm at my best, but deep down i still feel the pain. I can't take much more of this mopey depressed feeling, i need to do 2 things, get back to my relationship with God, and working out....the best depression fighters. Merry Christmas everyone..and sorry to anyone who knows me tha i've been a snotty lil ***** towards...unless of course u deserved it lol


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