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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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I'd
been down, Tw used the word depressed, but i reallyyyyy hate that word
lol anyway, my mom is moving on, she has a guy friend whom she really
really likes, this bothers me, but i am happy for her. I been finding
myself lonely , wishing i had my own thing going on, or a hobby, or a
friend who didn't have some sort of feelings for me whom i could just
talk to.I found comfort in the arms of my friend K, who was my rebound
guy from D. Now i admit, i thought i loved him, everything he made me
feel was really jus passifying my pain. How do i know that's all it
was? Because it's over, and it's been over, it was over wayy before our
friendship ended and it only lasted a few mos. He was never a threat to
my realtionship and never would have been. I may flirt, but i know how
to draw the freaking line...*rolls eyes* anyway...after tha i went and
hung out with random guys, was even gonna sleep with a randomn guy jus
to make myself feel better..thank God i didn't...but nothing came along
tha seemed to be worth something until T..i already knew wha kinda
values he had cuz during our friendship he showed it, so i jumped at
the chance to be with him, i thought,yes! finally..but i set myself up
for tha failure..and now i am dealing with tha. Tha leaves me to James....a relatively nice guy, who so far seems to have a lot of qualities i need, he's not as cute as i'd like, but i can over look those things. The only problem is, i'm still hurting , im still hurting from D, and now im also hurting from Tee. I really dun think it's fair to bring another person into the situation, especially since he'd have to clean up both messes. The question i always ask myself is if im strong enuff to do this on my own, and everyday i dun feel as tho i am. I find myself curled up into a ball jus letting these things tha dun even matter get to me, instead of going out n doing something for myself, i sit around and think about them. And it's so dumb, and it would be different with D if he could see the error in himself, but he doesn't..and so tha only means that he's likely to do it again. A person can not control something they are unaware of. And i know tha i could never be with him again because from him my heart still aches, and the ***** is still around, still following him and playing lil games and he's too stupid to realize wha she's doing until someone else comes along and tells him. I could never be like, hey if were gonna be together u have to get rid of her, ..two reasons..i know he couldn't..and it should have never gotten to that point..plain and simple..so *sigh*...u give ur heart to people and all they do is break it It furiates me that he can unver understand why she was and still is such a sore spot for me," why is it such a big deal?". My mistakes, at least i knew were mistakes from the start, at least i knew well enough that they would cause damage because that was the point. Anyway, i have to get myself to a point where i can be alone and be ok with that. Looking for other people to ease my pain is not fair to them and...eventually falls short. I'm finding comfort and peace is my latest project, my classroom....it takes my mind of my daddy being gone, m y momma moving on, no substance in my life, Dakota and Tyrus all in one, it's becoming a great distraction without hurting anyone else in the process. Now i have to decide what to do about James, i didn't expect him to like me so much, i jus wanted someone to hang out with so tha i didn't have to call Tee cuz he can't hang out with me, n someone for when Tw or J may be busy. I tell ppl this right away and they always say," ok" ..but they always end up either wanting to bone me, or be with me, now don't get me wrong, if they were the kind of guy i was going for, i might not be as reluctant to consider dating them, but even so...being upfront isn't enuff anymore. Well, thats it papa..i got me some new toys im gonna go play with, and get to the rest of my day. | ||
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| Sounds like you have a lot going on.
So many boys, Which one to choose? JK. I hope things get better. Love Ya, Passion | |||
| Posted by passion4pink | |||
| Entry 130 of 257 |
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