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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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I
thought today was the 16th all day, but it actually the 15 lol anyway i
thought today was the day of a break- up but looks like i was wrong.
The 16th is a bad day, but i'm not sad about that day because of the
break up, i'm sad about that day because it's also the day my dad died
on * sigh* But ..tomorrow...it'll officially been a year that i've been
single..hmm so much has happened in that year. A new year is about to begin, and i have so many things planned for myself..that doesn't revolve around having love. My goals for myself are slowly being accomplished and thats a very good feeling. I am however about to be very lonely , and it's gonna suck bad, but i do want to 'free myself' Am i sad that we're not together ?No not anymore, i was for a very long time though, consitently sad for 8 mos is a long azz time to be sad. I am feeling kinda like 'damn' though. I mean i loved this person deeper than I've ever loved anyone who wasn't related. It makes me sad becauuse love is important to me, and at the time, i know he loved me enuff to give me what i needed, but so much has changed since then. I mean he let someone else in and got too close to that person, now she will always have a special part of his heart..the part that i had...because i had it all. So the thing that makes me sad s it's a shame how everything happened. It's a shame because I'm a great catch hehe..yes..not to toot my own horn, but it's true...I'm not perfect, but i'm always willing to put in the work, and compromise =p This makes me feel bad about Tee and his ex, because if they get b ack together, during the time they were apart..he gave me a piece of his heart...a piece I'll always have...which to me is unfair to her,regardless of if she deserves a good guy or not. But What's even sadder is that i doubt i'll ever love anyone with the same depth as i did my ex , and i know he'll find someone else with ease, whom he can love and build a life and future with, but me, I'll prolly be alone for awhile, which is the worst part...but when i find that right guy, it'll be worth waiting for...hopefully. As long as i have my friends n family being without love won't be too bad....i still have my fwb, who really does make me so mad at times, i told him tha sometimes i feel like pushing the issue of us being more serious, but tha i won't do tha. Sometimes it's a real struggle for me not to push the issue, and other times, it's so easy not to. Being lonely compromises my judgement i think lol i allowed myself to care again, knowing there are just certain things i am not willing to deal with not with him,it's different with him, cuz he was supposed to be "the one" ha, funny how the heart works. It also compromises my judgement in other ways, i guess the word i'm feeling is vunerable...does anyone know how hard it is to push someone away while ur feeling so lonely? It's making me think crazy thoughts like, "maybe we should be together even if only for a few months" lol gosh...it's weird, why do i feel like he's not a guy i could marry, when he feels tha i am a woman he could see himself with..and as odd as it sounds, it's only two very dumb azz reasonz, which i know over time they wouldn't even matter, cuz ultimately being loved and treated well is all tha matters, not "physical' attributes. Hmm..i jus can't see myself like "chillin; with h is fam like tha, even tho i have before and it was fine...blah...=/ maybe there is a force field around my heart. Maybe he was righ, maybe i did put up a super wall between us? I dun think i did, i mean at least not to where he could notice...he makes me kinda upset though, having randomn dreams about "us' and then not telling me wha occured...he says he knows his purpose for being in my life..but won't tell me lol ..tha sucks , i at least wanna know wha he thinks it is ...i have no clue wha his is in mine ..all i know is,, im tired of 'falling' for people if im not gonna be with em ...and if we shouldnt be together, then im gonna gid rid of these feelings lolz...which i've already closed off in so many ways...Blah im rambling now. | ||
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