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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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You're
right Passion, I definantly don't want to be a hermit. When i stay in
it forces me to think about things that i don't want to think about,
and for now i need to. But i still like to have a good time hehe.
Friends with benefits....ahh, one of the best/worst things I've
ever done. That's what this experience has been. it's given me the ride
of my life, emotional ups and downs everyday! In the beginning, i thought, "yes, this guy could be the one, the one i get to finally show off as a 'real boyfriend" no disrespect to any of my other relationships and i know that can only come off badly. But what i mean is a guy who i'm crazy about who is equally crazy about me, who i can bring to family functions and everyone see the "magic" between us, and comment on how happy Lacy and her "boyfriend" appear. In all my 23 years i haven't had that. I've had the guys who were crazy about me , and i "kinda liked them" but that spark, that chemistry, that "thing" wasn't there. With D, i thought i had that, and it was hard because he was away, so i felt kinda cheated. But when it ended, and after everything was all said and done, i wanted it, craved it even more, more than I've ever wanted it before. And that's where I was three months ago when the friends with benefits thing began. It was my idea, i didn't go into it with the hopes of endeing up a couple. He is much younger, and i just didn't see it happening. I wanted the affection, and sense we were friends i wasn't worried about him trying to take advantage of me. But somewhere inbetween kisses and seeing how well he could treat a lady the idea began to blossom. HEY! Maybe.... Then i began to get confused and not know why i was feeling the things i was feeling, if i was falling in love or if i was falling in love with the idea. It was a lil of both, you see..he really is a great guy who i do really care about. But he has some other things pending that was totally messing up the perfect lil image i had in my head, and THAT spun me for a loop. Then i had do deal with my feelings for him, trying to hold back because he had full boyfriend privalegs, i checked in with him before making plans, if i were on the phone for him i'd get off..just me bringing that idea to life , acting out my own lil fantasy . But at the same time, i was ignoring the issues i have going on with myself, and all the while expecting him to go along with my fantasy. DOSE OF REALITY ..lol We discussed being a couple before, we both decided it was not the time. I agreed with that and i knew it, but i still played the part. Until this weekend, having all that free time, i sat back and i thought, and thought. I don't really want to be his girlfriend, his pending matters are a bit more than i care to deal with it, and i'd never be able to get from him the ultimate thing i would want and need in the first place. I don't need to be in a relationship right now, and i think that if he didn't have those pending matters then we probbaly would have tried it. So i believe that everything happens for a reason. As for him, omg i pray for him everynight because the pending matter he's dealing with i personally think he is way too good to be dealing with. It is just my personal opinion, but sometimes i just sit back and wonder how a person can put up with some of the things i've heard. And it true, i only know one side of it, but whoo..it definantly says a lot. It hurts me when i hear some of the things, i just cringe a lil, it's like a movie i watched where i wanted to shake one of the characters in the same situation. And i care for him, i care for him so much, it's so sad to see someone i care about being treated in a less than satisfactory way, but you have to let people live there own life ya know? To answer my own question, yes, i've still never felt so happy around someone the way i do when i am with him, but i had to be honest with myself and call this for what it is, a friendship with benefits, nothing more, nothing less. | ||
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| Hey girl,
Been there done that. The only thing is some one does eventually start to fall. And it sounds like this guy really means a lot to you. I'm just a lil confused is it the age differ that holding you to back? I guess what I'm trying to say if you feel like you could love or be in love with this person, go for it. Love is beautiful, don't get me wrong when its gone it hurts, bad! Anyway sounds like you have a dilemma on your hands. Love Ya, PASSION | |||
| Posted by passion4pink | |||
| Entry 166 of 257 |
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