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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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Arhh
one of my friends ( come on, i only have 3 so it's not hard to figure
out which one) but anyhoo..one of them has been driving me crazy
lately. This person acts like my shrink instead of my friend. Now..i
have a friend who has her SHARE of problems, and while i don't
understand how she got the way she is, i would never undermine her
feelings ( to her ) lol . "I don't get how you can feel that way" guess
wha? it's not for YOU to get! He says he helps all his other
friends with his cave man tactics and feels bad that it doesn't help
me. Well the key statement in that sentence is that he realizes it
doesn't help, so i don't understand why he keeps forcing his tactics on
me. My problem is i keep worrying that the ppl i love are at any given second gonna stop loving me or realize i'm not the person they think i am and therefor realize they never loved me in the first place. I feel like i'm not good enough, and it's a problem, it's a bad problem for me =/ . My friend keeps telling me that my problems are small and he doesn't see why they bother me as much as they do. To me..that is an opinion. HE thinks they aren't "real" problems, and should be resolved easily, well i'm sorry, it's just not that easy for me. I know it's frustrating to my peers, it's like i'm the anorexic girl who looks in the mirror and see's fat when it's clear to everyone else that she is really skin and bones, but yelling and stressing to her that she IS skinny, doesn't help that girl see herself any differently. Why can't my friend get that? When i look at myself i see a beautiful, intelligent, witty, fun, sociable girl. But when i'm with someone, i feel as though none of those things matter or that I'm not ENOUGH of those things. I've had a history of guys falling head over heels in love , but still finding reasons not to be with me, and they always say it's them, and not me. Well who the fukk can keep believing that? After awhile, it starts to tear at your inner man(woman). With dakota...the commitment phobe.. i had never experienced the emotions , the depth of love, like i did with him. Everything was going well, and then out of the blue, he wants to break up. Whyyyyy? " i need to get myself together" that sounded like complete B.S to me..i wish he would have said then, "lacy, i love you so much, but it scares me, i'm not ready for this type" actually that wouldn't have helped either, seeing as how that is what i usually hear, and am currently hearing it now from Tee. Anyway, the point is, at the end of the day i am just left feeling empty. My friend also doesn't understand why i feel i'm not ready for a relationship, feels that i should just go for it. Well, i don't have to explain myself to anyone, especially not him, but ...being around him makes u feel as though ur on trial, and he's the jury. I don't want to bring my fears and empty feeling into any relationship. I want to be fulfilled, but not from any man. No man will ever complete me. I want to be a whole, complete person, secure in herself, who can strive and have a HEALTHY relationship. I feel that only God and provide the kind of help i need, and my friend, the know it all..took it that i want to seclude myself. "It's good to go to God, but God isn't exactly the kind of guy who makes good company" - quote not verbatim. No..you doofus...i'm not secluding myself, i've thought about it, but i'm not going to commit myself to a relationship when i know i'll never feel secure in it. I don't want to drive my man crazy trying to fulfill my unattainable needs. He doesn't have to spend all his time talking to me, writing me notes, thinking about me or wishing he was with me , but sometimes in my mixed up head, if that isn't happening i feel "maybe he doesn't love me anymore" And that's not right, and i wouldn't subject anyone to that kind of treatment. A relationship needs space, both parties need their own indivuality , they need to be their own people, outside of being a couple! Logically, i know and understand that, but right now, it's very hard for me to let that happen. My friend," everyone has this, i had a psychology class in which the professor broke it down to a tee"...MAN PLEASE...Psych was going to be my major until i decided i didn't want all that schooling. I've taken so many Psych classes, and you gonna go dr. phil on me cuz u had one? " everyone goes through that, it's natural".. Yes, everyone may go through that once a twice a day, the thought may cross their mind, but not on the level that is happens to me. How dare you continously undermine me and my feelings, i've had just as much education as you have, i know clinical terms, and conditions, and most importantly, i know how the hell i'm feeling inside. I know when something's not right with me. The audasity to sit there and act as though you know my thoughts and my feelings, and that i am just in fact over reacting. At this point, it's scary and hard for me to put emotions into someone rather the person has given me reasons to not trust them or not. But when they have given me reason, it makes it harder. You don't need to understand why i feel the way i feel, and you can't help. If you could get that through your head then it would be much better, but i doubt you can, so i won't be talking to you about my, 'problems' | ||
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