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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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I love you..i hate you... I'm sick..i'm tired..and i hate love. I really do, i never thought one relationship could leave me so destroyed but as the days go by and i really think about things, i realize just how screwed up i am inside. I went into the relationship thinking love wasn't meant for me, feeling scared and vunerable, wanting to run from it, but too caught up to actually go. He made me feel like it would be ok, that whatever problems arose we would work at them together. I do not blame him, this is not a f*kk my ex documentary. I completely shut my guards down, i let him in deeper than anyone has ever been a llowed to go before. "I love you" It was music to my ears, because all i wanted was to be loved. I agreed to try, but i was still scared, so i tried to push him away, i tested him, i actually broke his heart, but still he reamined. It took so much, but i was convinced..this guy was worth me letting go..stepping out there and trying..trying for him, trying for me, trying for us. Omgosh..imagine my surprise when all my efforts wasn't met...it became me being comfortable with trying and him still holding back. 'I'm not ready for this, i'm not ready for that..i can't do this, i can't do that" well try you flipping coward, i put myself out there for you in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, but you can't even try for me? That's B.S! aNYWAY, through miscommunication, the relationship ended and i swear after that i began to sink back into my insecure ways, but of course it only got worse. I blamed myself...WTF did i think was gonna happen, i should have never given love a chance, DAMN! But guess wha, after 10 mos, i did it again, i gave it another try because, why not? Right, wrong...very f*kking wrong, very f*kking wrong indeed. My attitude towards love was even worse. I really really desire to be loved and treated as someone's goodess, because if i have ur heart i will give u the world, the best i can. But at the same time, i don't feel love is worth the time putting myself out there to even gather someone's heart. All this time of being a damn virgin waiting for that someone who would love me the way i loved them. Sure, or course he was that for me, i mean even after we broke up i still wanted him to be..but again ..miscommunication..after breaking up with me ..then seeing me get close to someone HE loses his to someone i already despised..DAMN that was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me, and i've been through so very hurtful things, but no ones actions hurt more than that. I was so crushed, gosh , and to have him say part of his reasons for doing it had something to do with me, WTF , .The's a grown man, he the one wanted to break up..and the whole time telling me i shouldn't be tripping over wha he doing cuz he not together, gonna have the audacity to be mad over wtf i was doing? hell no...but still like a damn fool for love, i stopped being romantic with K. Anyway, after my last try at being with D, i really lost a big piece of myself, i really didn't want to be a victim of love again..yes thas right a victim, and u know wha, all D can do is trip off the fact that i'm no longer a virgin, and that after the first time i kept doing it, oh well mr. righteous one, i guess u never stopped to think and see if myabe i was acting out of pain or something else was going on. No, mr. rightoes decides to point his damn finger , throw me in the category with all the other hoes and ish, just like his fat azz friend did a long time ago. Yes, i'm very pissed off today, because i realize i have been so so so dumb. Yes, i tried to push him away by telling him i did horrible horrible things, but he was man enough to stay with me, then he should have been man enough to f*kking really deal with his feelings on the situation. Cuz all he has on me are things i never even did, all i ever wanted was his f*kking love, but even from 432654326543264 miles away that was too much..i mean...he wanted to love me, he did love me...but as for "being with me:" that was too serious for him, too much..i mean sure...i'm here and he's wayyy over there...but calling me his gf would have been too much pressure for him. I'm tired of these f*kking feelings, this bitterness this anguish, this pain. I want ti to end, i want peace..i want to be ok with love, i don;t want to look at it as my enemy... i don't want to do like i been doing with Tyrus, someone i started caring for, and got scared and everyday try to push him away before he hurts me, or play up the sex to downplay the love. That's not who i am, i want to embrace love, i want to be loved the way i deserve to be. I don't want to punish the new guy for the last man's mistakes. At least i finally feel like i'm getting some type of closure from my last relationship. Sure, it may have turned me into a bitter, sexed up, intamcy challenged maniac, but at least i'm realizing that, at least i can distinguish that yes i am feeling down because of this, instead of feeling down and not knowing why. aGAIN, THIS IS JUS ME VENTING..not trying to start an argument or some never ending discussion or debate. Someone might read this and go ahoy...thats why she doesn't want me, but no, don't take this post that way,the things i said to you were valid. | ||
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