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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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So
yesterday was as i thought it would be. I was in my bed by 10pm , sleep
by 11:30. I kept getting phone calls which i really didn't mind, but i
feel like ppl prolly thought i was laying when i said i was going to
sleep lol. I woke at 2 am, and gain at 4. Everytime i woke it was hard
to get back to sleep, at one point i woke and my neck was severly
sttiff, and it reminde dme of damon , at least i think it was damon?
Who was complaining of neck pain and i remember thinking, "hmm guess i
should offer to rub it?" but i never offered. Somehting is happening to my mind lol it's all all my thoughts are running together, and all the people I associate with are begining to all blend together and i can't remmeber who said wha. That's bad because i only associate with a handful of people. Speaking of which, i think one of my friends is upset with me, maybe not upset @ me, but just upset in genenral. After i write this i will go find out for sure, but it jus sounded that way last night, like he may be feeling like i put everyone before him. Which i don't. These last few days people have really been coming at me, and the stresses of the last few days has really gotten to me, the lonely feeling is dying down some though, so thats good, but im still trying to be more comfortable with "not having someone" ATM. I really, honestly, truly, do not want to rush into anything, even though i just want to feel loved and needed. I'm not trying to make one person more important than another, the person im trying to focus on is myself, and God. Maybe my theory about other ppl is true of myself, i'm so scared of failing at love that i fall for people who i know won't be able to fully commit to me, and so it becomes their failure and not my own. The only flaw in this theory, is that at the end, i still feel like it's me. I really dun get how it could be me though, i mean not including personality faults which everyone has, and human error, i know the ingredients for a good relationship. So hopefully, my ability to not stress , will rub off on the two biggest stresses in my life right now, weight, and guys. Those are the only things in the world i ever worry about. Everything else i can so easily give it to God and trust and walk in faith . I'm facing bankruptcy at 23! But do i stress and worry? Noo..i need like 100 k jus in start up fee's for my business but it's really amzing how not worried i am about getting the money. As far as I'm concerned it's already mine. My health issues do get to me sometimes, i can't lie about that, but it's more a frustration thing than a worry thing. I never want to focus on love again, not unless i'm "in the process of a relationship" I want to cast my cares to him. I still feel down about dakota from time to time, i just look back on how much love was there , how many dreams i had for us, and how ultimately i felt it failed. I love him, but it's like i have this barrier over my heart from him. If i were ever to go back, it'd take a lot of reassuring...not of his faithfulness , but of his contentment . I still have crazy feelings for Tyrus too. It's real confusing, but i'm trying not to worry about it. I'm trying to just go with the flo of things, he tells me everyday that he loves me, which is confusing and makes it hard, but still i'm not gonna give in and go back to catering to him. I do realize now tha D has always had tunnel vision. So i should have been more direct and reinforced how i was feeling and tried harder to make sure he understood how i felt by our last break-up. That way this whole Tyrus thing wouldn't have felt as much as a slap in the face. I know some people think i shouldn't care wha or how D feels, but I do. And i know that all the drama and hurtful things he said was out of hurt feelings, and as i told him, he's acting now how i was acting in January. Anyway, i've got to go. So much to do and i hate that i've been up since 8 and still getting such a late start on the day. | ||
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