I
read 2 chapters of my Bible today, finished up in Mark where i left off
before. Ir felt good. I was headed to a deep place of despair,
just about to get real down on myself. Instead of trotting off to find
some 'dude' to hook up with, give me temporary pleasure, or
endulge myself in food tha i know i would regret doing later i went to
God. I went to God for peace within myself because i do not like
being upset with myself. But yet i am, i dissapoint myself so
much in the choices and decisions i make...*holds stomach* it
hurts, not my stomach but my heart. When I am weak i make dumb
decisions and as not to feel bad about doing so i stand by every choice
or decision i make..even if i have my own guilt telling me not to
do it! That is what i did with Tyrus, when it first started it
was RIGHT AFTER the second break up with Dakota lol..right after like
within days...as much as i tried not to show it or even lied to myself
i was very hurt by D being very stressed when we tried again. It made
me feel dumb for trying again! But i did, i tried again, and it still
failed!
This year has been so bad, it's been so horrible ..it feels like i'm
losing everyone, it started with my dad. My stomach turns inside out
when i talk to most ppl now. So much hurt from the people i care about,
gosh it's overwhelming = ( And when i talk to them i feel it every
time, it stings and burns , and ahhh.
It's so weird, the only person i trust every part of my body with,
including my heart is the one person i can't seem to muster any lasting
feelings for =( As much as he may annoy me and get on my nerves
he's the one person i never want to let go of. I've never been to the
point where i'm just like i never want to talk or see him again, ever!
And he's the ONLY person (this includes family members) tha i can say
this about. And thas a shame.....it's just that i know this person
would never intentially hurt me, and thinks things through enough to
forsee how something could hurt me and try to avoid doing it! But as
much as i feel like i know and can trust this about him, it now
scares me even more, because i always think i know ppl, and they are
the ones who end up hurting me the most.
Yes, i don't want to even think about dating right now! I jus want this
sadness over my heart to go away =/. While hanging with Tw who is the
person mentioned in the above paragraph i realized a lot of things, and
it was without either of us talking about any of the matters pressing
me now...to give it another try with Tee would be an emotional suicide
! To give it another try with D would be an emotional suicide. On the
ride home, in a moment of weakness i c alled them both! And i felt
worse....all the hurt i ever felt from them came rushing back, and they
didn't even do anything, just talked. When talking to Tw on the comp i
jus didn't want to bring him down with all my sadness even though i
know he was willing to listen, I really truly appreciate him, and now
i'm scared, i'm kinda waiting for wha bad is gonna happen with
him now. So to anyone reading this who knows me...i took my phone off
the hook i do not want to talk...have a nice night.
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