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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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I've
always known God, he's always been apart of my life, a big part. So
many things happened to me this year, and none of them do i do
with his help. I've said this before, i've been broken down over and
over this year...In November my life really changed for a lot of
reasons, one main one...i was faced with brain surgery..oh my gosh i
didn't want that surgery but i didnt want this tumor to kill me either.
I fought, i fought hard and i didnt have to get the surgery...i'm a
stubborn lil thing though, i STILL didnt do the right things by my
medicine and taking care of myself, but neway. Being that sick
was very hard on me mentally as well as physically. Dakota ended things
with me, i felt betrayed by my friends, i never got along with my
mother, and my dad was dying. All those things made me a very
hurt/angry person. I carried all that inside though, kept it bottled.
By december i earned 12 k, yes 12 thousand dollars, so THAT made me
feel a lot better lol Anyway, i wasn't too concerned with God as
odd as that sounds, it's true. When i think back on that, it makes me want to cry. Why do people do this, abuse and neglect the ones who love us, truly loves us most? Who would never ever hurt us? I've realized this before, but it took me constantly going through struggles of trying to prove my love and faithfulness to someone...instead of saying" forget him...i don't have to prove anything..I know and that's enough"...i waste dmy time and energy but everytime he let me down i went crying to God vowing how i would give him his praise and it would last for awhile, but i'd fall right back off my horse. At my dad;'s funeral, my pastor told me to watch out for my friends who are really my enemies and a man who is not the man i need to be with but i will be decieved by this man , that this man is a tool of the devil himself. OUCH! i need to watch the tape of the service again because i want to hear those words again. I remember being more angry than sad at the funeral , sitting on the first row with clenched teeth...lordy! Now, it's different..it's like i have a guy in my life who im worried so much about being a good 'whatever' i am to him..and he hasn't done anything wrong to make me go running to God, this time my flight to God is different. I'm not a happy person anymore, even when something nice is happening i can't fully enjoy it because i'm just not happy. I want to have my joy back! I want control of my life! Nothing else matters, nothing else will matter, things are good with me and Ty but i will walk away from that if it does not agree with my relationship with God. I refuse to walk around with anger in my heart. My father is gone, i have a brain tumor, i may not have many friends, but i do have him. I may feel i need love and i do want it, but i need and want him more. I am reading a new book, "The Purpose Driven Life" it's been sitting on my self for a long, long, long, time. | ||
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| So we seem alot alike if you ask me. I was reading your blog and ur description thing. I get alot of attention from guys too and yeah I agree I just come on here to let out my reall thoughts! Lol and the purpose driven life is talked about ALOT in my church I heard it was an amazing book. So you shud let me know.
I hope everything goes well for you! Lola P.S. Commment on my page!!!! =) | |||
| Posted by Lola | |||
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