October 19, 2006 - Thursday

5:51 PM - the workplace ( revised)

This is a true testament of how real God is and the transformation he's allowed in my life. I used to be a very passive and soft spoken. This was especially true when i started my new job. I've also been a happy go lucky person my entire life. I was known for ALWAYS having a smile on my face...ALWAYS even when i was down or angry. I had a sunny disposition.Always laughing, joking and having a good time. Even when something was boring or tense...i knew how to make it fun for myself. But life changed a lot for me, i lost my father and my first love all in one year.I stopped socializing with majority of my friends. A lot of other things also happened and without me even knowing it..i had changed. Changed into a bitter, frowning woman who u might catch me being silly or goofy , but for the most part i had a seriousness about me. (which i didn't even notice til recently when a co-worker made me aware)

When i first started my co-worker &  partner was a supreme b*tch. When i'd talk to her she roll her eyes and look away as if i wasn't talking to her, or shall i say like i wasn't worthy of talking to her.  I tried several times to talk to her about it , but it was in one ear and out the other. This same saucy diva also felt that she didn't have to do any work that is until the boss, supervisors or anyone else came into the room, then the heffa became supergirl and appeared to be the lead that she was hired to be. Anyway, it pissed me off cuz not only was i doing more of the work, but SHE was getting all the credit for it.

I've never worked with anyone as nasty as her. Not only did she ignore me, give me hard looks, and slack on her share of work, but she stayed up under another co-workers butt and would huddle up and  whisper to her. THAT infuriated me. It felt like i was in  middle school  trying to deal with the pressure of trying to fit in.  

I had meetings with superviors, talked to my mom, i tried everything but nothing helped so i decided that 1 or 2 things were gonna happen. I was gonna beat da sh*t out of her and get fired, or beat the sh*t out of her and quit. I wasn't gonna leave without my fist tasting her jaw, but luckily it didn't come to that. I'd had enough when our kids kept getting hurt or losing socks and the heffa blamed me. When i sat her down to talk about our "communication problem" for the 3rd time..the heffa had the nerve to tell me .." next time just write down whatever u have to say to me" she didn't say it in a nasty way..but who the f*ck are u  tha i can't just sit down and talk. NO ONE ELSE WRITEs  DOWN WTF THEY WANNA SAY TO U..AND I WASN'T DOING IT EITHER. by that time it was too late..the beast in me had been brought out and i calmy pulled her to the side and let her know that my days of being soft spoken and a push over was DONE.

She didn't talk to me for the remainder of the day...not one word, and the next morning we had a meeting in which i prayed over our situation. It's been FINE every since. But anyway, i guess thats part og the reason  i wear a mean mug on my face. Subconsciously its my way of saying that old push over girl is gone, so don't even try no B.S cuz it aint gonna fly. I also have been going through A LOT in my personal  life. .

I've never ever ever been thought of as scary, intimidating, or mean until recently at this job.I've never ever been the girl people even take seriously. Hearing someone say that i look like someone they would need backup if something were to pop off  was weird, but also  felt good lol... my goal wasn't to become mean or look scary, all i wanted was respect, which i guess i finally got.

Like i said, God turned the situation completely around, My co-worker and i have no more ( real) problems, we can communicate easily and openly...and i no longer feel that pressure  of trying to fit in because she doesn't make me feel excluded. I love the new me! Being passive was something that always made me feel weak, even though i know how strong i am. I'm just thankful....but ahhh my journey has only begun..stay tuned.....