6:50 PM - Will u lay with me ?( not a poem)

  Well I guess I'm lonely, broken hearted....lol ya'll know tha song? Anyway...when it's cold outside and the Holiday season is upon me i miss more and more hugz,kisses, and all the inbetween. Sometimes i sit and ask myself why oh why did i decide to stop randomnly dating, i could be all hugged up on the couch right now! But....i know WHY i made this decision...and i'm going to stick with it. I've given up all the people who were just crutches in my life ...and  it's very hard! Some ppl might not know what im talking about right now,and thas ok...basically i used to hang around ppl that i didn't really care for JUST because i hated being "alone"...the thought of not having a male companion killed me...and i ALWAYS had one if not several.  I didn't realize at the time but.....what i was doing was wrong . Those men really cared for me, but i just strung them along.

My good pal T held a torch for me for 3 yrz, each yr growing  deeper in love. Problem was his personality drove me absolutely insane, he was cocky, arrogant, and an ass when he spoke , but feable minded me....i kept him around anyway cuz he was always there for me, and always loyal. With him around i could never be alone.

But when i fell in love with the guy who couldn't let go of his ex, i leaned on my friend T even more. For valentines day, T surprised me at my job with a  balloon bouquet, a beautiful card, and my fav candy tha i get when im feeling down. It was so nice, and all the women at work were PISSED lol...their husbands and boyfriends hadn't gotten them a thing and here i was ..the single one being surprised. Nice as it was,...i wished it were from the other guy. I wanted HIM to want me the way T wanted me, but i couldn't give T up. The vast difference in the way the guy i wanted and the guy who wanted me was sooo hard to deal with. It made me angry with myself  and with the ugy i was in love with. I compared the two of them, and the countless other guys i "dated" in this time frame. None of them  won my heart, it still belonged to the one who  made a fool of me, and through it all, i  still had T to spoil me up the way i  longed to be spoiled,..but it was WRONG and borderline cruel...cuz in T's eyes he had a chance with me.....even though i knew he  did not.

Anyway,i'm a very affectionate person...i could go back to my old ways just to satisfy that need of companionship, but why? Once i realized the error of my ways, i will never go b ack to that. ...I even FINALLY let  T go....it's hard tho...sometimes i wanna call and be like, " can u stay on the phone with me til i fall asleep?" ...i know i know...sad huh ? lol    From a girl who had  many  companions to none....the journey is tough.....but i think karma is on my back big time.....in 2006  i gained 60 lbs, i still was approached by guys, but my CONFIDENCE was shattered..and tha was the first thing that made me slow down in terms of randomnly dating.

The old folks say that God works in mysterious ways, well this year has surley  proven just that.


I'll be sleeping with my teddy bear tonight, i hope T finds the woman who can really appreciate him...for him ....