Man ..i havent felt like this in a long time. Its crazy cuz i cant even desrcibe wha "this" is. The last few months of my life have been extremly difficult...but as a true testament to my God i got through it without being emotionally dependant on any guy. ( anyone who relaly knows me, knows its a big deal) So why tonight am i sitting here feeling angry and somber. Well it started  by my mom and i seeing this great big possum outside the house. It was SO fearless lol the dog was barking at it, we mad loud noises but it just wasn't moving! I called two of my very best guy friends to tell them about it, and to gush about it like any girl would want to do.

But the conversations felt so flat..i dunno why..they just did. With my one friend who is my ex, i swithed topics because i felt my mood changing. I brought up my new pictures. "did u see em?" his response," yeah i saw em" me: " ok..ok" and after a brief  silence," so how come ya didn't comment or say anything?" him : " oh i will tomorrow " ...me : "oh , ok" and after some random talking me: " so what'd u think of em?" Now i'd been telling him for weeks how ugly and unnactractive i'd been feeling. But when i took these new picz i felt pretty again. It was a big deal to me..these wer emy picz after losing 10 lbs. It was a big let down...that he had nothing at all to say...until i probed him," you looked cute" ughh.. i would think that after our year long relationship and almost 3 year long friendship i would stop expecting him to compliment me ON HIS OWN.....but i still do..and i still feel let down when it doesn't happen. BUMMER...lol

So..i guess its kinda a mini version of a child always wanting the approval of someone they've never had it from before.

And with my friend, who is someone  always tells me im pretty and how much he cares.....aren't enough.Sometimes it makes me feel like im f*kke dup in da head , i complain about one who doesn't do it, but clealry have someone whos more than willing..and still arent satisfied. Typical female thing to do right? Not excactly....my friend...has a good heart and means well...but nearly always does or says something that totally pisses me off or makes me feel agitated...very rarely has our conversation just flowed without he or i "having to explain ourself"

and thas when i got mad.....mad becuz...i had a friendship with someone who the convo always flowed and we connected in such a way that it was like having a best friend that u also get to hug and kiss and be there for. But bad timing and slight selfishness , mixed with a lil blindness ended all that and so.....i found myself thinking," damn why'd u have to be like everyone else" cuz sometimes u just wanna talk to someone who ur comfortable with and doesn't make u feel bad.

Anyway, like i said, i haven't felt this mixture of sadness and anger in quite awhile....and i certainly didn't miss it. I dun evne know why im feeling this way...i just am and it sucks...but ...i just suck it up, try not to think about the past