CoNFLICTED......

A more personal look ino my life...

I have 2 friends whom i love dearly, but these 2 ppl annoy me on a level so deep it's conflicting on if a friendship can/should remain. I've lost 4 friends in the past that i loved very deeply and we got along and we meshed...but they all ended in heart break for me..massive, heart break and its better to walk away from a person u love , if that person is casuing u pain..cauze ( to me there's greater pain . Anyway...

Friend 1 : has a huge heart and very loyal, can be considered and can be sweet, is there when u need them, will take a risk, will explore, will allow themself to have a good time  . Faults, Judgemental, cocky/arrogant..and somewhat of a know it all lol

We have different taste in tv, and he judges it...i dun like sci-fi and i hear comments like ( how could u not like this ) i've never seen all the star wars installments and he reacted like i didn't know who our president is. Icould really care less about Luke Sky Walker..but i know he loves it, so why would i say something like it's the most over rated dumbest sh* i've ever seen so many ppl lose their damn minds over so wtf do u love it? Lol The comment i recieved was,' what the hell kind of person has never seen the star wars movies" THEN proceeded to call his frien din the room so he could tell him..wtf.. thats not global news and to be honest who really gives a ^&%&!! Thats what i mean by judgemental. It's to the point where the things i like i dun even share it with him cuz who feels like having their parade rained on all the time lol

Example;   me: yea i wanted to see such and such movie him: " really?! I wouldn't think someone like u would want to see that movie." me: wtf is that supposed to mean?" lol..u get the picture...

 aNOTHER EXAMPLE;

 " I mean, im just saying, in sci-fi there is a story, a plot and something real happening when in reality theres NOTHING" Don't dismiss or  try to apply logic to our difference in taste...i like it...u don't..get over it! And that happens between us  A LOT...it would be different if it were just an occasional thing, u know the subject comes up around friends where a real debate can come forth..but no..in just everyday conversation my likes and interest are berared ...but to his defensive he has gotten alot better.

Sarcasm i can handle, but the arrogance i can not. I don't see why he is so arrogant , Usher is a multi talented, beautiful, rich, classy guy..with more than enough reason to be as cocky as he is..YET ..his cockyness is the very thing that people don't like. . The only reason i put up with it is because i've seen what this person is hiding under that tough exterior..i've seen the sincerity that lies in the heart, and thats what i love about the person. This person talks to much, is kinda nerdy in a cute way, bases life on tv and comedians is very very proper and super anal( which used to bother me) but...even though i dun consider myself any of those things.... BUT THOSE are not the things that bother me....

I just wish this person could understand that u dun have to be tough all the time. And although our personalities are very different and we like different types of movies and tv shows and hang with different crowds.....i don't put his choices down where he in fact puts everyone who doesn't do it the way he does down..and that sickens me...cuz i dun get it...he has gotten alot better , but overall every one i know who knows him all agree...and that puts me in a hard spot because i am always defending him because  i get to see what they don't see....

The thing is, i used to just go into a zone where im not really fully showing who i am, and not blocking out the parts of him that drive me insane..but it resulted in him not really knowing me and being somewhat surprised by things i do and say...which to others come at no suprise at all...so something different has to be done, and though we've talked and he knows and im not looking to change him, i just  need to figure out whats for the best, for both of us.

Friend 2: Loyal, sweet, giving Faults: unwilling to yield to change ,negative, self loathing, smothering,obsessive and possessive, jugemental, and a tight wad!Freaking allergic to fun this one lol but ... I dun have time to write about this friend tonight, it's late, i had a busy weekend and im tired.

same thing...i've seen what's hidden from the rest of the world, and it's just

Ugh...it's a constant dilema...but i won't desert them, i won't leave, i'll continue to suck it up, and be a friend, and continue to keep them in my prayers because good friends are hard to come by and even though i feel like part of me ( the part i like most) is dead around them i'll continue to be there. Don't ask me who i'm talking about,  But the person(s) already know how i feel, so it's nothing new anyway.  

Me jus venting, nothing concrete or set in stone so if ur reading this and thinking im talking about u ....dun freak out

Blah ..longgg blog i know...