aS i sit here listening to my music, i begin to feel an overwhelming feeling...tears tickle my cheeks..and i realize i have yet to "blog" my testimony.

A few sunday's ago( somewhere around March 16, 2006)  while listening to my pastor speak, i heard the familar voice in my head earging me, "go"..i ignored the same voice many, many, times...but that sunday was different...i was so tired.

Before that day i had cried myself into a deep depression, and i was so tired of being tired, of crying, of being sad, of feeling alone. My friends couldn't understand my pain..." u are pretty, u have people who wanna be with u, u have no real financial problems,no real family problems..why are u so down?" I couldn't make them understand, and well quite frankly i agreed with them, but that didn't change the fact that i was still so..soo very down.

The day i realized i was too far gone to help myself was the day i got on the highway drunk and crying. I called my friends individually and they all were pretty mad and upset with me. I had a drink to release the tension i was feeling, i cried because the "high' wore off..and the pain set in.

Anyway, that sundau around the 16th( my father's 1 yr anniversary of his death) i cried into my mother's arms when we were supposed to be finding partners to pray with," i'm so lonely" she hugged me and rubbed my back..it was comforting, she didn't look down on me or judge me or even try to understand, instead she just hugged me....

I stepped outside of myself and went down to the front to the 'altar call' and my friends..i tell u every morning since i've woken up happy, excited, ...and when i do start to feel down...i pray or just start thanking God...read a book, or do something else, but first i pray...

The new peace i feel can not be explained in words. I know that i am loved, i've always known that, i've always had ppl around who loved me, but somehow, for some reason i have been depressed to some degree all my life...and to finally wake up and actually feel alive...is the best kind of medicine i could ever ask for.

I'm in love, and everyone who's every been in love understands the high i'm feeling right now. And for the first time, i didn't go running to some "man's arms" for my comfort...i ran to the only one who will never betray me.

I'm in love with my new found joy and peace, and i encourage everyone who's really having problems even if they seem minor to everyone else to really let it go and give it to the only "person' who can really help.

There are a lot of people who don't believe in God, but all i can say is, to me God is very real.

My father is at  peace, and though i miss him dearly, soo soo much, it's beginning to hurt a lil less, i can look at his pictures and smile before i cry, smile because i remember the good times before i remember the hurt i have in my heart from him being gone. PEACE...is what i saught, and PEACE is so beautiful.

It's a battle though, with this kind of faith comes an attack, i've been thrown some hardships along my way, but i did not forsake God because i know he has not forsaking me.

  EDIT: <This is no to say that one day i woke up and all my troubles were gone

*God is not a magic pill* , i keep my mind grounded in God by staying in his word ( reading the Bible) praying and talking to him throughout the day. But that is not to say that my person has changed..i am still me. I am still silly(ask d lol) i am still scared of scary movies(ask T lol) I am still absent minded( ask Tw lol ) but my thoughts and inner self is changing...i no longer sit around and mope and have those awful long, drawn out feelings of heartache and just utter blahness. Not to say i never feel down now because that would be a total lie....i am just now better prepared to handle those feelings and once they begin i quickly detour them, whereas before all i could do was wallow..and even when i tried to hide it, ppl could still tell..strangers would ask me 'what's wrong?'I'm telling everyone who ever read and contuinues to read this blog..I am a much, happier person, and i couldn't go on that way...end edit. >              

"Those who sow in sorrow, reap in Joy"

This is my testimony, and that is why I am no longer "mis guided"