I Have a Tendency to Make Myself Laugh | |
Summer DaysIts here... its FINALLY here... I have no more actual classes, just finals (which I can manage if I study my butt off this next week) but other than that ITS HERE! Summer... and I am so ready for it. I want to do so many things, have so many great experiences, and just take 4 months to live a ready summer life. Today I actually thought about it and made a list of things I want to do:I want to.... read some: Oscar Wilde Ernest Hemingway Thomas Merton Henri Nouwen CS Lewis Smith Wigglesworth Anne Graham-Lotz Juanita Bynum Don Everts Max Lucado write music of my own lay on the beach with my friends all day take a rope swing dive into a warm summer lake run go on a road trip with my best friends visit mr. maroon go to Creationfest have the BIGGEST birthday bash yet go on a silent retreat go camping see movies.. in the theaters... every week! sit in the starbucks next to baby 'r' us all day with a good book and some music and watch the cute, excited pregnant couples come and go. have a photoshoot with annetta go to church all the time watch the sun set with friends on top of double bluff try out for american idol just for fun Hang with my aunt Kelly in Olympia all often sleep in until noon play a really good prank on someone sing and dance witness more sunsets, enjoy more starry nights, and experience more sunrises enjoy being me, and no one else Most of all, I just want to enjoy life... be happy. I think I deprived myself a lot of that this year, and I'm not going to do that anymore. I miss my friends, and I'm excited to all this and so much more... I can't wait!! UndeservingThere is a pretty bad stigma associated with Christianity today; and unfortunately we've kind of earned it. Its that 'higher than thou' complex, that image of Christians that we think we are better, and we own the world, because our 'daddy' created it, and such. While not all Christians may feel the same as I do about this, personally, it nauseates me...Lately more than ever, I am coming face to face with how undeserving I really am of everything. All that I am, all thats in my life, all I've been given, all the love I have -- there is not one thing I've done to deserve any of it. In fact, there are countless ways in which I have disqualified myself for all the wonderful parts of life I possess... the idea that I somehow am entitled to anything is simply ridiculous. Somehow, however, I still find the nerve to request from God more -- more of Him, more from Him, and more to give back to Him... knowing I, within myself, have no place to ask or expect anything from Him, and nothing to give Him in return that equates to His gifts. Even the idea that I could have an audience with Him seems to me almost irreverant -- which makes prayer so hard sometimes. I'm not justified to do such things on my own. I can say my justification is through Christ, the grace afforded to me through His death. That my worthiness is founded in my salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ... and its true. But is this enough to walk around as if I possess all characteristics of Christ -- as if I am Christ because thats who God sees in me after I become a Christian? Most emphatically NO. I think some Christians, in gaining their identity with Christ, lose their identity as someone still in need; some are losing their identity as still undeserving and unworthy. Thats something that we shouldn't lose -- because when we lose that, we lose reverence for God, and thankfulness for everything we have. Even more, we lose thankfulness for everything we don't have that we could have had -- all those things we do deserve. I thank God that I don't get what I deserve... and I try to show that thanks through my life, in obedience when He asks anything of me. Im not always successful, and its never easy -- but its the least I can do to show love to an wonderful God who's blessed me with everything I don't deserve. Thank you Father. I love you. KT Dan Dan the Flag ManEvery time I go to update this darn thing (so far I've tried about eight times...) the window freezes up. I demand a new computer!I am going out with Cole Sanshiro Zuber. He is 15 years old, half-japanese, and a sophmore. You could call him the "silent type", and I am pretty sure all but three of his friends hate me. This is turning out to be a wonderful start. So far, we've established that he is shy, he makes me shy, I have leprosy, and he is apathetic. Thank you, God! It's strange, but I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm rather fond of him. I just want him to be affectionate. Ben Neal, aka Fred Bailey, and I are becoming grand pals! He drags me out of the auditorium, and in the third act, we talk about food poisoning on stage. The chemistry is overwhelming, let me tell ya. ...Nine o'clock will always be Spinoza to me. "After experience had taught me that the common occurrences of daily life are vain and futile; and I saw that all the objects of my desire and fear were in themselves nothing good or bad save insofar as the mind was affected by them; I at length determined to search out whether there was something really good and communicable to man." Gorgeous. ...and then there was light. I have reason to believe you were the worst match possible for me. I just want someone to hold me and call me babe. Pi Halequin RomanceLove is the indescribable feeling you get when you're around another person... whom you have interest in and who has interest back. It's the only word to describe the amazing chemistry the two of you could possibly share.Lust is when you don't know someone, and wish to be the friction in their jeans (thank you obnoxious pop music!) So... when we really look at it... Is it love.. or lust? I heard you were freaking out... That makes me so happy. I starting to figure it out, in case you were wondering... More later... so hungry. Pi Magnesium Sulfate OctahydrateI don't remember anything about how to find the number of hydrates in a compound... Therefore, I am screwed beyond all comprehendible belief. I hate school, and everything about it. No one believes in my intelligence and character, so I am left to wonder (yet again) what it is I am offering this world?hands clasped, fingers intertwining, words whispered so softly they are barely audible to your ears.... But you know, as your hands tremble and read the words he's written a thousand times, that this is the moment so sought after. That this is love. You shake as you long to embrace, every bit of your soul reaches out to him... Your bodies come close, and you lean in for the inevitable... Hand shake. Or in our case, a note proclaiming what my heart has always realized. Thanks, for everything. "You're really quite attractive." "I wish people would stop saying that." Alright... Just so people will leave me the heck alone.. I am not hideously overweight or ugly. There. I am an attractive young girl, as Corbs so eloquently puts it. MgSO4 * 8H2O oh thnicka' man. (snicka' man?) A kid today told me that I have polio. Crap. Emile and I are starting a petition to get the tenors back in their rightful places... Next to me! Also, we are going to start the justice brigade! Emile: i think i get the gavel Val: haha Val: weapon of choice: justice. Emile: -puts power ring together and joins the JUSTICE BRIGADE- Slide. Pi Squirrel, PleaseGood spring breaks are hard to come by. Last year's will still go down in history, but this year proved to be worthy of the "Val's Hall O' Spring Breaks".But before I go into a brief play-by-play of the last ten days... A musical interlude: Let's rearrange I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Say that we agree and then never change Soften a bit until we all just get along But that's disregard Find another friend and you discard As you lose the argument in a cable car Hanging above as the canyon comes between Everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and its effortless Without a sound we lose sight of the ground In the throw around Never thought that you wanted to bring it down I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves alright... That's not symbolic at all... But, onto the review! Friday of Spring break- Andy and I go to SKIN practice, but leave early to take a train to Eugene to visit Allyson. The train ride is FIVE HOURS. In the last, like two hours of our delay, I befriend an interesting 24-year-old named Robert. He went to a highschool called Riverdale or something, somewhere in Oregon. Then he got in a car accident, and was in a coma for nine months. He hit on me, and told me to never settle for less than I was worth. Andy and I got off the train at 10 to 11, and Allyson took us to Burrito Boy for chow. Saturday the 25th- Went to the Aquarium with Jon, Andy and Allyson. The drive took FIVE HOURS. It was pretty cool though, we did see the turtle exhibit. We ate at Mo's and then drove back home. Ate dinner with my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Don, which was pretty sweet. Sunday the 26th- Did nothing but sleep late and watch "MIdnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" until about five, when we went to Bonita and Amanda's for pizza and card games. It was an awesome time. Monday the 27th- Ate brunch with Nano at the Studio One Cafe, then drove to Corvallis. Went to Dad's house to get the rest of my crap, saw Marti and my Dad's new dog, Jack. Then ate dinner with grandma and grandpa. Drove home. Tuesday the 28th- I can't remember what I did on this day... Must not have been important. Wednesday the 29th- Ginger's birthday party. Went to the zoo with Emile, Ginge, Sean O'Connor, Tyler Gasper and Cole. Then hung out with Cole at Gasper's house and ate pizza and watched Spiderman 2. Thursday the 30th- Went ice skating, and found out I can't skate AT ALL. Much fun and humiliation. Friday the 31st- Hung out with Corbs. I think. Saturday the 1st- Hung out with Corbs some more, and watched Cats. Very amusing. Sunday the 2nd- Did a lot of homework and laundry and being bored. Also over break, I discovered text messaging! It was addicting, but I think I'm over it. Okay, so Spring Break was pretty lame... Oh well.. Pi Social Justice -- I Was Bothered Today...So today in my Spiritual Formation class, we spoke about social justice. This is a topic close to my heart, because I believe it's God's heart for us to reach towards each other in compassion. However, I found out quickly that I have a much different, and I guess you could say abstract, view of just what is encompassed in the realm of social justice.We started out looking at what the word 'compassion' really means; and the agreed upon definition would be simply, compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. While this is a broad definition, it still seemed that the conversation that proceeded in class was very limited. The question was asked, 'what does [social justice and compassion] look like in our world today... what is happening in our dominant culture that seems to dismiss the need for social justice?' An example in history that was given was, of course, slavery in America; and how the Quakers responded to this far before the Civil War came about. This opened the class up to talk about racial injustices, economic injustices (oppression and exploitation of the poor) and gender injustices (inequality and oppression of women). These, in my opinion are 'safe' issues, and they were repesented almost as if they were all encompassing. While they are all valid, and unfortunately still alive in our culture, I am forced to draw attention to another point of injustice that I think needs to be addressed; a social group of people that is being taken hostage by our dominant cultural influences in a way that we don't often think about, very few agree about, and some Christians unfortunately argue with their inactivity as 'no big deal'. Youth The idea of our youth being a group in need of social justice does not come first to mind, nor is it something that many people can immediately understand. Our youth is impoverished, or oppressed, or deprived? Many people are completely blind to this... but think of the state of youth culture in 'developed' nations. Not only are youth being influenced and consequently permeating the degradation of morality and virtuous character in society, but they are also being targeted and accused by other generations for becoming as such, independently. Is it so hard to think, that the idea of social justice can be expanded to our youth culture, in helping young people understand the value of themselves and others as parts of healthy community, in helping them build their character, restore morality, and use these structures to re-define the ideas of family, holistic purity, emotional healing, and many, many more things that this generation and many before them have slowly drifted away from? Have we really limited ourselves in the realm of social justice to just meeting the physical needs for people, and only recognizing the safe and easily defined ways to address injustice? Do we even consider the absence of virtue as a disadvantage? I know I might be babbling, but I think that the one position that faces the least tolerance and the most scrutiny in our society is that of unashamed and unwavering morality. In fact, do we as a society even have a clear definition of morality -- have we become so concerned with the need to be tolerant that we have forefeited our ideas and values? Even more so in Christian culture... do we concede to appeasing the masses, in hopes that we dont come off being exclusivistic? I was frustrated in class, to say the least... but not just over the economically poor in my city, or the gender struggles of my fellow women, or even the racial tension between the different black and white members of even my own family -- but also the ignorant stance we seem take on the dire state of our youth. Views, ideas, comments welcome... lets discuss. Some Kind of HappinessThe feeling I have now reminds me of a feeling I've only had once before in my life -- sometimes I catch a scent of this reminiscent feeling, and it makes me happy, takes me back there, and I just find life to be beautiful again.This time was a few years ago when I went to Mexico. I went there for a mission trip, and we served for 7 days, which was probably the most enjoyable 7 days of service -- possibly best 7 days of life -- that I've ever had. There was this sense of timelessness, yet a looming urgency to saturate the moment, that combines to make a cocktail of peace and joy. It was the first time I was in the minority, since I could not speak spanish, but it was the time in which I truly felt that the people around me, even though I barely knew them, had an innate love for me that was ingrained in just who they were. I remember this feeling always coming strongest when the sun was setting, and with us being high on the mountain at the youth camp we were helping with, it seemed like the colors were more vibrant than I had ever seen before or since, and you could smell the evening coming, and hear nature prepare for it. Now I know, that even though I had associated this feeling with a time and place and season of my life, this was really the presence of God when He was most tangible to me. For some reason in the solitude of a huge language barrier, I was able to connect with God in an incredible way, and as I reaquainted myself lately with silence as a discipline, I finally made the connection of God ministering to me the greatest in this way. I am so thankful for this opportunity, because now I see my heart's tie to God and I can open up in a way that truly sets my soul free. This last week and a half has blessed me beyond belief. I am undoubtedly a different and better person, and I can feel the changes that come with God's mercy, passion, and grace still washing over me. I hope that as every one of you that's reading this walks through life, you strive for such a meeting, such a wonderfully intoxicating sensation of love. Its truly supernatural. Sweet Lew's en Mi CasaBefore I bother to explain anything (not that I'll even do that, but still), I feel like posting my french dialog. It's poorly written, and won't have any accent marks, but I still find it hilarious. Jared and I need props (literally and metaphorically).Japon Pour Moi! Philippe: Bonjour Guy! Guy: Salut, Phillipe, ou vas-tu en vacances? Philippe: Je voyage eu Italie, et toi? Guy: Je ne sais pas… Philippe: Je voudrais que tu voyages avec moi! Guy: Je n’aime pas l’Italie, c’est barbant! Philippe: Comment?! En Italie tu peux faire les magasins au faire du ski. Aussi, tu peux manger la cuisine italienne! Guy: Je n’aime pas la cuisine italienne! Philippe: Bof! Est-ce que tu aimes la Venezuela? Tu peux jouer au foot, la danser, ou faire des photos et il fait beau! Guy: Je ne sais pas… Moi, j’aime bien danser, mais il fait tres chaud, et quelquefois je ne peux pas dormir quand il fait chaud. Philippe: Mais qu’est-ce que tu fais quand il fait chaud? Tu manges la glace? Guy: Non je ne peux pas manger la glace. Quand il fait chaud, j’aime nager. L’eau est tres fraiche. Philippe: Tu peux nager en Venezuela! Guy: Desole, mais je ne peux pas. Philippe: Porquoi? Guy: Ca ne me dit rien. Philippe: Oh, le Japon? Guy: J’adore le Japon! Philippe: Oui, c’est tres interressant! Tu peux de la video, au faire du velo! Guy: Qu’est-ce que faire le soir? Philippe: Beaucoup, d’habitude on peut faire les magasins pour des trucs tu ne peux pas acheter ici. Guy: Super! J’adore les trucs! Bonne idee! Philippe: Genial, allons-y! I love Guy, he is basically everything I aspire to be when I am "of age". Kyle Miller and Kyle Ball spent the night with Andy. I don't really remember it, because I was reallly tired. The next morning, or I guess early afternoon, I woke up and watched the Meaning of Life with Kyle Miller, and we began talking about love and life. It would later be discovered that he is friends with Alex Wade, Cole Zueber, and Robert Woodward. Plot twist! Kyle Miller thinks my life is fantastically hilarious. Right now I'm pretending to be writing a Chem. Lab. But in all actuality, I'm clenching my jaw and sighing. Dinner time. Food now. Possibly more apathy later. Pi 15 For the MomentI woke up at 7:10, showered, ate breakfast, and then was carted off to Westview. I spent 13 hours working at the Winterguard show thing, and 13 hours contemplating my own mortality.Last night, Fewer asked if we had ever thought about death... I didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream, to cry, to yell. But that would be irrational. I spent all day with Cole and Alex and everyone else who I rarely speak to. I started thinking about Corbin. About the things I couldn't wait to tell him. About the way I've been. Then at lunch time, Ginger said something... "Val, your mom is outside!" Do I dare to explain the joy I felt within my entire body to hear that? How does one compare total bliss to everyday life? I ran to the window, and saw nothing but middle school colorguard girls, dropping flags. It was then that I started thinking about moving on. You said once that Michael represents my middle school life... Well, you represent the change and transition from childhood to adulthood. You know everything there has ever been to know about me. My deepest secrets, the ones I'd never soberly tell anyone. So much history. So much time. I'll say this one last time, so that we can just get it out. So that there is no confusion, no question... I'll still watch eagerly for your screenname to message me. I'll still wait everynight for you to call. I'll still hope that you'll come up to me in the band room, and lead me to an indescretion. I'll still love you. Until the day that my breath leaves my body. I won't forget. I won't ignore. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world, because I did this to us, and I miss you. "It's alright to cry or be angry. I wish you would be angry for once, because I hate to see you sad. I wish I could say the words to make this better, but the paint hat you're feeling is what make life worth it. You're too young to hurt this badly, but I understand. You two were the closest of friends, even if he didn't think so. He'll be in denial, and it'll hurt you, but this is life. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. With time, the sting will fade, and you two will talk." "What if he never wants to talk to me again? Everything between us doesn't just disappear, everything still exists, and whenever I think about it, I get sick. I always get sick." I told her everything... I opened up and I didn't disengage. Thank you JV Colorguard for the moment of weakness you're about to experience: I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons Am I alright with my decision? No. Do I feel good about this? No. Was it right for you and I? Probably. Normally you're the one to justify pain, but let me take the first shot. I was hurting with you. You were right, we fell into a groove and we couldn't escape it, because I didn't want to. I didn't care if we were together or not, because I would still have you no matter what. You deserve better than that. You say you haven't found anything better than me yet, but have you been looking? I'm the worst person for you, and you're someone who I let inside. I wish I could lie to you and say that I'm happy and that I'm ready for someone else. Maybe you'll find solace in the fact that I'm miserable and finally paying for my six months of denial. At least you got to know me a little bit before I decided to die inside. "...And if you return to her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you..." Pi The Patron Saint of Snake KillingHappy St. Patrick's day. This day holds many valuable memories for me, but even more importantly, it's a day dedicated to the wearing of indecent amounts of green. Probably one of the best holidays ever (aside from the ones we get school off for).I hope you dream about me and twist in your sleep. My hair has faded a little, funny what 23 washings will do. Hopefully it will be more normal looking by Monday. Skin today was pretty fantastic. I did my whole crying/screaming thing, and made a fool of myself. Appearently I really have to ham it up, and I need to make up a biography for the woman I am playing. I'll have to do some serious thinking about it. Chris and Sergio believe that I like Alex Wade, and that he likes me. Isn't it obvious that I love Robert Woodward? K-Mac's MySpace is like a shrine to me. I am that amazing. I'm really tired. See you all bright and early tomorrow at A. The WInterguard thing or B. the work party Pi 14 mars mardiI meant to write many times, but life just caught up with me.How to Succeed... is over, and it was a blast. I can't wait to get rolling with Skin, because I'm sure it will hold many secrets of it's own. I'll never forget what it was like to dress you, Tim. Haha. The parody was the best part, aside from Mark driving me home. There was snow! AHHH!! That's all I'm going to bother writing about that. My hair is a reddish-brownish-purplish. I dyed it on Sunday, and I think I'm redying it tonight. It won't go back to normal immidiatly, because they would have to strip my hair (and I can't deal with that), so it'll just tone down the color until it washes out on it's own. So everyone can stop calling me Rachel! Though I will admit that I kinda liked the change, and thought that I looked very attractive as a brunette of sorts. It makes my eyes stand out, and look lovely. "You have gray blue eyes." "Crap." "No, it's a good thing." Somehow I thought that my triumphant return to the internet would be much more climactic. Alas, all I can think about is how Mark drove me home today. "You should drive me more often." "All you have to do is ask." Scott said that my hair looked good. Everyone says that. Well say au revoir! Until something more meaning happens in my life.... Pi An UpdateIts been maybe the craziest week I've ever had. Between midterms, new ministry, and Genesis Weekend here at Simpson, there hasn't been much time to do anything.. include sleep. However, this is the kind of thing I live for... I'm just a happier person when I have a lot to do!
Let me give you an update -- starting Wednesday:
Wednesday was the biggest day of my week last week. I had 2 midterms, a paper due, and it was my first day helping out with the Risen King middle schoolers. I managed to get through both midterms, not feeling too confident about World Civ, and whizzed through the rest of my classes. Then I ate a quick and early dinner, ran to my dorm, changed (i dont know why-- its an impulse...) and ran to meet Arwyn... who then told me I'm not riding with her, but someone else. So, I go find him, we jet, and I go to Risen King.
I tried not to anticipate what it would be like too much, just to keep my mind open... but when I got there, it was so much more than I could have imagined. The kids were incredible, the staff really love the kids, and I had the best time.. and the longest and most brutal pillow fight of my life. We drove home late, talking to one of the kids about life, and I got home with the feeling like I finally found my church... finally.
I won't go into the rest of my week, because I dont want this blog to go forever... but I will say that I sang at the karaoke night, and it is confirmed... I still have the worst stage fright. You think with enough performing that goes away, but it doesnt... I was shaking afterwards. Oh well... its over now. :)
Next week will go nicely... school only 4 days, then a retreat over the weekend... should be good!!
Till next time...
KT
Its A New DayThe last few days... in fact, the whole last week... has been somewhat difficult for me. I've been coming face to face with some obvious character flaws of my own, and it hasn't been too pretty. Mind you, everyone should-- at some time-- take stock in who they are and their relations with others and have a time if inner reflection on this point, in case any fine tuning needs to take place. Personally, I tend to overanalyze everything... over think things.... and this has decidedly been my demise. However, through such introspection, I've come to realize...
This really is a new season of my life. God has been revealing so many different things to be about myself and other people since the end of spring break, and I am so thankful for all of it. It has been a struggle to not become angry at all the change and progress, but once you can see through it all that God's purpose is to uplift you and make you better, it's refreshing and -- dare I say -- almost comforting.
I don't have much time left here at Simpson... at least for this year. I haven't decided what I am doing next year, whether it will be to come back to Simpson, go to school somewhere else, or pursue other avenues towards my goals; but one thing I know is that God is faithful. Hopefully, I will make the right decision. I've also come to understand, that the right decision isn't always the logical one, but it's right none the less -- we have to let God overcome our desperate need for logic and just confide in Him that whatever happens, we know that ultimately we will end up exactly where we should be.
I think one of the hardest things for me to overcome is my neurotic need to perfect everything. I've always wanted to say and do the right thing, go the right way, become the best at what I do -- best singer, best Christian, best servant, best friend, best girlfriend, best student, best of... whatever I do, I want to be the best. Because this is pretty impossible in terms of reality, it sets me up for a lot of personal disappointment and defeat. I also construct this timeline of how fast my life should progress towards my goals... does anyone else do that? Yeah, its not only wildly unrealistic, but frustrating and untrusting of God.
Its hard to give up the timeline when it's linked to everything that you want out of life. Its also hearbreaking when you look, and you see no hope for getting anything that you truly want -- nor do you get any confirmation from anywhere that you truly will.... I know about the Biblical support about God caring about the desires of our heart, but He cares about His kingdom first, and His purposes... what if the things that I want -- good things, righteous things -- just aren't part of that plan? Its possible, and it's happened to people before... its death in Christ. It's paralyzingly frightening and disheartening.
This new day has put me in a new perspective... I'm just not gonna care about other people's opinions anymore, and live life how God intended. Even more so, I have to realize, that those that aren't in step with God aren't an authority of what makes me valuable; in any regard. That's a strong statement, and it isn't meant to offend anyone, but I've got to stop investing myself in a world that will pass away, and start grounding myself in something and someone real.
Sometimes I wish the 'learning experience' would stop... and that I could just relax. But then, I'm reminded, that whenever I stop moving forward, I tend to slide backwards... it's an uphill battle, but that's just the way it goes.
Phase 1.5Nothing will ever be the same.Here are today's numbers: Hours of sleep: 2 Hours spent crying: 2 Times thrown up: 3 Meals eaten: 1 Friends who know: 2 Knuckles bruised: 4 Irrational, angry fits: 2 Times I've viewed your profile: 26 Times I've wished I could just change who I am: 10 I hate you so much right now, and that is the last thing I ever wanted. I can't sleep, I'm eating even less and throwing up more. I needed you right now... Yes, I was changing, because I'm just now coping with life. I can't do that alone. Yet, you seem to be content... Just leaving me. Times I've listened to "All I Ask of You" and "The Point of No Return":15 Pi Exing"Well, you've mentioned before that I never write you unless something's wrong, so I guess I'm just writing to say I love you. And I hope you haven't decided to break up with me as tends to happen when we go a few days without much communication. I never really understand that one"Every word of that makes me cringe. Cringing in the sense that it's my damn fault in the first place... That something, somewhere changed. You left, and I cried. I went to my aunt's room, and cried more. She told me to call in a week. I wanted to call then. I wanted to chase after you. I didn't want this to be it. This was our curtain-call. I took a shower until the hot water ran out. I punched the wall until I couldn't feel my hand, now my knuckles are blueish-green. I cried and thought about killing myself, or getting drunk off my ass. But no... I signed on AIM for the first time in a week or so, and you were on. I wanted to type something. I wanted to call. To say "just kidding!" To kiss you again, or hold you, or laugh.. Something. Then I threw up. It was me. This was me. We knew it would happen... But not today. Why today? Corbin you were something different. For almost sixth months, you were life-support. What do you do with your time, now that you have so much of it? Who holds you when you're cold, or crying your eyes out? It's not fair. You know it isn't fair. The shirt, for your information was written about you. Everything you make me feel, it was completely honest and true, and all about you. Take care of Chester. By that I mean, "Please never love anyone the way you loved me..." Pi ...because no one will hug you like I do, or kiss you like I do. No one will need you like I do. No one can love you the way I do. We found a problem that strong love can't fix. BirthMusicalDeathIt just dawned on me that I haven't checked my e-mail since March 2nd.That is an all-time record for me. Ever since I started going to play-practice every night, and the play opened on Thursday, I haven't had time to do anything except for stare blankly at my homework, try and sleep, and drink Jamba Juice. The musical is the best thing that has happened to me this year. I'm starting to connect with people, and being a dresser is exciting and fun. It's the whole family thing again. I'm very upset that there are only three shows left. All of this has been a great experience for me, and I'm beginning to understand what James meant. This is why I am quitting band. I'm still going to march, every year. That is my solemn vow, but band class is too much for me to take. I'm not a musician. I never want to be. That isn't my dream, or my choice. Anthony might have a little bit of a crush on me. Tyler wants me to dump you and start living my life the way I want to. Mark Shim thinks I like him. Dax needed something on you. Joel calls me beautiful. Michael is the best person to dress. Val's no longer the Barlow that she used to be... "I swear to the school unconformity!" I'm writing my own version of the Odyssey. Or I guess... Drawing it. I was talking to Lisa, the head costume mom, about life outside of theatre, and she made a valid point: "It's almost impossible to balance two lives during a show. You are your character, and it's easier to be around other characters. Friends outside of the department come second tier. Life goes on hold. For two weeks, everything else has to pause; you're an actor now." She is right. I guess I should tell you right now... Waiting for me is probably a lost cause. Get some sleep, we'll talk in the morning. This book is all that I need... How to, how to succeed! Pi okay okay...So that last blog was a little lame, I know.. I was just a little lazy. I'm still feeling lazy though, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I guess Spring Break really did throw me off a little bit.
Ahh break... what an apt word for it. There have been a lot of things on my mind since break, and I need an outlet for all my thoughts...
On spring break, I went to church almost every day the entire time I was there. Now, most people, when they here the phrase 'go to church' don't think of it as the event that I do -- which is, an opportunity for a life-changing experience. Especially since I've come to Simpson, I've learned to enjoy the practice of fellowship and communion at church, and even more so when I'm at my family church back home in Seattle. I think it's fair to say, that most people get out of church what they expect to -- if you expect nothing, you get nothing.
Moving on...
I went to Seattle with the mindset that I needed God to move in absolutely miraculous ways in many areas of my life. Its fairly easy to see I've been just a little bit of a wreck lately, and I'm not one that likes to stay that way -- so I asked God for a lot of things, because I am so obviously incapable of so much. What I got, was anger -- a lot of it. It was probably around Wednesday I started getting angry, but by Friday night, when I spent the night at my favorite pastor's house, my anger came to a peak -- and I broke down. However, it needed to happen, at that place and at that moment, because it made everything that had happened every day that week at church come to a rushing head, and finally I got some answers.
The one thing about God, is that when you ask Him for the answer to a question, He really doesn't answer it very well -- but He has the perfect reply. What I mean by that, is that He knows us, and whats inside of us, and what we really need more than we do -- and while we're asking for our next meal, He's making preparations for our bountiful inheritance that is beyond our imagination. If you're asking God for one thing, and He keeps showing you another, why don't you just look into it, and see why He's giving you what He is -- you may just recieve the key to your freedom.
The one thing I can say, is that God is giving me back the priviledge to dream again. For a long time, I had given up some dreams of mine, because of fear and the will to be obedient and 'right.' let me just say -- if you give up hoping for those desires and dreams God puts inside of you, to please noble and righteous things Godly men put upon you, you're still being rebellious, no matter how much you try to be obedient. God's ways are always higher than man's -- no matter how Godly the man is. You know who's opinion matters first? God.
There are things that happened over spring break that will effect the rest of my life... dramatically. Plans I had made, everything I had arranged -- blown up. I've given up trying to anticipate an unpredictable God.
In other news... I must observe Lent and keep a Lentin Journal from now until Easter, as part of Spiritual Formation. I'll update ya on what my spiritual practice will be... and for all of you who think Lent is just about fasting, or just for Catholics, you are so out of the loop on that one.
Okay, I'm done blogging for now. Until next time...
KT Its Been a Long Time!So here I am blogging again, after about a 2 week hiatus... and really I dont know what to say. So much has happened, so much has changed, that I really don't know where to be begin!
One question to those who know me -- should I audition for American Idol?
Well, this is the shortest blog I have, because really, Im not feelin' it, and I'll probably get back here and right more when I'm in the mood...
KT Ordinateur in the Prop ShopThey're doing teasers now, the for the musical. My role is a small one, behind the scenes. I am a dresser, as I have stated previously. I go into the dressing rooms and arrange and organize, also I assist with actual dressing. Not an easy task. I've walked in on a few boys, completely by accident. As much as they have to do their jobs, so do I. I take the responsibility I hold very seriously. They need to suck it up and realize that it's not that big of a deal to see someone in their undies or without a shirt on. What is this, sixth grade? The boys put up a sign saying that I specifically was't allowed in the dressing room. Screw them. I don't tell them not to sing. Maybe I take everything too personally. I'm irritable because I don't sleep. I pretty much want to tell James to go to hell because I know he was behind it. At least partially. It's my worst fear that people think I'm weird or annoying. I bet most of the theatre kids already do. I have to, once again, find a new art form. What the heck am I good at? I can't pick the right friends, hobbies, clothes, hair style... Nothing. |
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