I Have a Tendency to Make Myself Laugh | |
Take 2So after what has been probably an over 1 year hiatus from this blog, I'm back for a second shot. There's a lot that has happened in this time, and I don't think I could really sum it up in words just yet. However, to reacquaint myself with all of you, here's a look at some new things I'm into:short hair: this is a recent development. I cut my hair about 3 weeks ago to about chin length, and I love it. hippie music: I'm not a hippie, but I like 'hippie music' as it is sometimes described. People like Devendra Banhart, Iron and Wine, Elliot Smith and Sufjan Stevens. All in all, I'm into a lot of new music, and I'm constantly trying to expand my collection. graduating: I should be graduating in T minus 6.5 months. That is pretty much inconceivable to me, and I fear for what it means for me in a practical (and financial) sense. I'll keep you updated. men: as opposed to boys. I don't have any men in my sights -- and don't plan to hunt one down, thank you -- but if and when I ever get into another relationship, it'll be with a man who has himself together. Immature boys need not apply here. friends: I am having more fun with my friends and spending more time with them than I had bothered to before. Thank GOODNESS I finally realized that relationships matter more than accomplishments, and I need not be so single-minded about life. I have begun to enjoy people and my relationships with them much more than ever before. family: My family means so much to me, and I have been reminded lately how short life is and how much we must cherish the family that we are blessed with. I am so thankful for the family that I have, and I miss them so much lately. God: I am in love, and there's no other way to aptly describe it. I am in dumbfounding, inexplicable, head-over-heels true love. I hope it always stays that way. So there are a few snapshots of my life. Hopefully over the next few weeks I'll get back into the swing of blogging and finding things to say that will keep you interested. stay tuned! Just Like Old TimesWell, school has begun. I had my first classes today, and I guess they're alright. Mediocre at best.My lit. and comp./american studies classes are going to drive me to insanity. Let's just say I'm about as fond of them as I was of my lit. and comp./global studies classes last year. But we couldn't have a school year without some meaningless and petty argument now could we!? The first topic being none other than... DING! Homecoming! Will the controversy surrounding this trivial event never cease? Corbin doesn't want to go. I have no particular interest in it, but I was asked by a good friend. I don't see it as a big deal. It's embarassing, I guess. I can see where it would bug him. I'm going. I don't see the point in discussing it much further. This year will be different for one major reason: I don't give a damn anymore. six days.. can we make it? I never intend to stir the pot. I find myself just going with the current. You'll take that how you want to. Just like everything else. This is the dawn of something less memorable, but equally heartbreaking. The Lavender is HighGreg: well, i gtg, the lavender is in full bloom right now but by thursday i dont know if it still will be...it's all a very sweet allusion to a poem I wrote at the beginning of the school year. Old lavender reminds me of a different era. The old age. Greg is everything a civilized man should be... Damn him for living 84 miles away! A note on women- Evil. Seductive. Beautiful. Dangerous. All synonyms to the mysterious and wonderful creatures responsible for giving life, and maintaing order in the world. But women of the younger age who are intelligent, funny, and attractive can be decietful. Dastardly. Using their powers of persuasion.. the fatal females attack with full force. Eve ate from the tree of knowledge and learned of her true potential. Adam chose to go with her, though the road is steep and rough. Kahil Gibran, on love, says to follow love, though his ways are steep. I don't deny being a temptress of the worst nature.. But at least I come by it honestly. If you suddenly discover that you have an awesome power over others, and you don't really have to do anything out the ordinary.. You're going to take advantage of it until the novelty wears off. this is still novel. Pi Val and the Missing PieceThis is my first blog since the end of the school year, so first let me congradulate you all. We survived one more year than they all said we would. Too bad we can't "keep it fresh" anymore.Now we're all Sophmormons. Finals were tres facile. I think I ended the year well. For the past five days, I've been with Corbin pretty much non-stop. Hanging out, having fun, living life the fun and fancy free way. Today, he left for Japan. And so did my heart. This is going to be a long 15 days. Those were the amazing days, right? Pi The Change is Something DeeperI found it hard to speak or to smile today. I shrugged away from contact, and didn't meet anyone eye-to-eye. It was the sort of day that I wished I could have been anywhere else in the world. Been anyone else. I desperatly wanted to talk to Emile, but I highly doubt I'll ever be able to again. All conversation was light and happy, as though nothing was wrong. What am I saying, nothing is wrong. That was probably said more for my benefit than anything else. All fears washed away into general apathy. My throat became swollen, so it was hard to swallow or eat. Not that I'd keep from throwing up anything I did take the time to ingest, so it really isn't worth it. I wanted more than anything for this to be something amazing. For something to go as planned.All I have any desire to do now is shirk away from any obligation... Any promises. I'm suffering from a severe case of ennui... a french disease of the soul. I feel relocked inside my mental prison, going back into hiding after finally stepping out. The air was too sweet, happiness came at too high a price. You always ask why I don't let myself be fully content, it's simply because no one deserves to be happy. Happiness should be an unending task, never faltering in difficulty. I personally don't feel up to the challenge, so I will settle with what I have. Not contentment, indifference. I don't ever expect to feel the same. This is one of those soul-defining moments, where you realize that there is a line drawn in your life. life before/line/life after I would have avoided all contact with you until I absolutely had to, but it gets lonely. Lonely and scary. Today is a Melinda day. ...here's to irreversable damage. Pi One More Song Before the NightThere's been a change in meA kind of moving on Though what I used to be I still depend on For now I realize That good can come from bad That may not make me wise But oh it makes me glad And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind My childhood dreams But I don't mind For now I love the world I see No change of heart a change in me For in my dark despair I slowly understood My perfect world out there Had disappeared for good But in it's place I feel A truer life begin And it's so good and real It must come from within And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind My childhood dreams but I don't mind I'm where and who I want to be No change of heart A change in me No change of heart A change in me Pi This is the EvilTwo songs that I find to be ironical. Yes it's a word, just ask Holden.Enjoy! Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin' You know that I have from the start So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart "I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again But you're late, I wait around and then I went to the door, I can't take any more It's not you, you let me down again (Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find (Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine (Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home I'll be beside the phone waiting for you Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin' You know that I have from the start So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore If you'd just let me know Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more Why do I need you so? and then I stopped plagerizing it. You get the gist. This song is dedicated to most people. The next one is dedicated to me. She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes She can ruin your faith with her casual lies And she only reveals what she wants you to see She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe And she'll take what you give her as long it's free Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me Ohhh... she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time Ohhh... and she never gives out And she never gives in, she just changes her mind And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree And the most she will do is throw shadows at you, But she's always a woman to me Yeah.. I'm evil.. But so good at the same time. Pi Jenseits von Gut und BoseToday was the Grand Floral Rose Parade. Westview was there, 14th in the lineup. I was there. Last in the second row, dead right. We marched, it's all a blur. All of the sudden, falling out of step wasn't possible, I couldn't if I tried, getting tired was inconsequential. This was the single greatest moment of my highschool career. I was marching. For the first real time, I sweat and laughed, and let myself belong and fall deeply in love. I wanted to cry, but instead, I just played.TV cameras, children, regular cameras, four inches from my face. Amazing. This is what I fought for. I hope Swanson knows that. After I got home, I met T-Rex at the library, and we waited for Cat-er-ine and J-Red to work on our skit for French. It's so amazing, and Guy is making his final stand on the stage. This time, Guy is self-centered.. Egoiste, if you will. I may appear to be after Celeste, but really, I just want an opportunity to talk about myself. Band is utterly 31337. Bear with me, that was horribly uncalled for. But we kicked ass. Honestly. Even Jaime smiled with approval as he bent over for the trombone section. Happy Anniversary. You are the enemy. For all of my life that has mattered.. You've known me. Never suggest anything different. My new MySpace photo is in a word... Hot. Pi The Bold and the Beautiful"There is something very attractive about a girl with self-confidence, like the kind you have."If Daniel Fowlere says it, it must be so. I met a man named Kevin Goulet today. He came over when I got home from the sectional. We didn't talk at all, then he came into my room, and looked at my walls. He talked about theatre and musicals, and said I could sing nicely. He is 19, going to turn 20 on July 23rd. We sparked an interesting conversation about suitors. He said that I should watch what I do to boys, since they can grow up twisted. I told him I had it under control, but I began to wonder... Could it be that my blatant disregard for the feelings of boys be the source of the deep-rooted resentment that has been festering between men and women since the dawn of time? Kevin has a good aquaintence with Ben Neal.. Yes, my Spinoza. We talked of Skin and of the friendship that was formed and lost so quickly. He looked me up and down, and said that Ben was foolish. I explained what had happened, and he laughed. I put myself out there, and he laughs. None the less, Kevin is alright with me. As I watched he and Nick walk home in the darkness of 10:00, he looked back at me and said: "Have fun at school tomorrow! I'll wake Ben up!" Yes... I certainly need more boys noticing me... Not to sound haughty.. But I don't know what I'd do with another one. I'm running out of places for them. It was just as I said.. The pretty ones are dangerous... Especially if they know they're pretty. Society has given me the power to get whatever I want. I intend to exploit their foolishness. I will not let any silly love get the better of me, and weaken my senses. Pi This is what it comes down to-- I, Valerie Susan Barlow, must atone for the changes within myself and accept the new person I am transforming into. Not embrace, just yet, but accept. I am not evil by nature, that is a skill that has been honed for years. Centuries worth of knowledge has seeped into my femenist brain, preparing to make me a machine against males and their tyrannical views. I am a perfect specimen of fine-tuning, programmed with one goal: get everything. Everything, by definition, includes, but is not limited to: undying love, the best years of their lives, virginity, souls.. anything worth taking that a foolish, love-struck young man has to offer. I am not above ruining lives. This is my mission. In short, love me at your own risk. Women understand, we ate from the tree of knowledge.. we know our true potential. I will rule this one day, but I won't have gotten there by playing nice, or being fair, I got it by being cunning. But it's not just my intelligence, is it? No, that stopped being the main factor last year. It would be beauty. The smart, pretty things... Yes. Happy Birthday, Momma. Hope you found what you were looking for. I love you, dahling. On a side note... You've begun a war inside of me. The trial of whom I was meant to be, who I am, and who I aspire to be. My dreams conflict with my heart, as I wake up screaming "meticulous" over and over. We ate red meat today... I can't remember the last time I did that. I sat there, my stomach doing backflips. I wasn't hungry, I haven't been hungry in a while... I wanted to get it out of me. There is a deep physical satisfaction to doing what you want. I wanted to get the meat out of my system, so I did. It reminded me of the old and crazy days. There is a raw passion I feel for you. The slightest touch of your skin against my own is a thrill unlike any other. You release a deep and passionate lust for carnal knowledge that I'm afraid to call my own. I become a monster. It's like I'm living two seperate identities. The one who goes by Val.. Valium... And the one who is taking over. Pi After Much Too LongLife is so overwhelmingly boring that it has resorted to putting events between myself and others in the wrong circumstances, vis a vis, my petty argument with James about Amy and Corbin. Ugh.. The name makes my skin crawl a little.I still don't get what either of them see in her. The jealousy is a tad irrational, but it suits me fine. Last week was very important for Val! Last Friday were the annual Westview Highschool theatre department A'Cat'emy awards. I was decked out with curled hair, a slinkly black dress, shoes to kill (that did), and glamorous sunglasses. I showed up a bit late and more than just a little flustered. CJ said I walked in like a movie star, and I felt like one too. I waited anxiously for my co-presenter Hari to show up, but he never would. As I was waiting to walk on stage to present, I tripped over Mark Shim, and ate auditorium floor.. I still have the bruise to prove it. Tim Homsley won the award I presented, and he hugged me. The night was a total smash from then on. Andrei sat by me and told me I looked gorgeous. I blushed through my sarcasm. I was even nominated for an award myself! Best actress of the one-acts. I slow danced with Michael Barnes, and met my wallaby twin (whom I already knew), and found a place I fit into quite nicely. The party afterwards raged into the night, stealing my heart away for another season. On Saturday, I did some chemistry. Sort of. And hung out with James. Sunday would prove to be the biggest day of my life so far. I woke up at 8:30 and did meaningless tasks to occupy myself until breakfast. We ate and covorted around, and we were all anxious. Today was the day that my big brother was graduating. Wow. He got his kick-ass laptop, which I'm using right now, and various other gifts, including "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" We stressed out, because we can't stand our grandparents, and waited for Allyson to arrive. She did, Lucy escaped twice, and I found out that Emily is going-out woth Joe. A whirlwind of fear, jealousy, anxiousness and sadness overcame me. I was happy and nervous and I felt sick, so I screamed. And continued screaming until the busses arrived to take us to U of P. I fell asleep on the bus, and cried a little, smearing my make-up. I also ate my hand. My brother was graduating. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why I was freaking out yesterday. It was an outlet day, I assume. One of those days that I decide to vent everything. When he got his diploma... My heart lept. Never have I been so proud. Screw you, Paternal One. We schmoozed and took pictures, and came home. Stressed out still. I worked ferverously on Chemistry until 4:00 this morning. I fell asleep in Andy's room until 5:50 AM when he came home from gradnight and woke me up. I worked from 6:00 to 7:10, until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, then went to my room, and slept until 10:30. I woke up, went back to work-ish, said screw it, and took a break until 2:44, when Andy woke up. I sit before you a still broken Val. Broken because it will never work, but I'm going to try my damndest to make it. Through the selfishness and the insecurity and the disbelief, we will make it. This is true love. It doesn't happen everyday. I'm head-over-heels. If I say anything else, I'm lying. Pi The Best Kind of LoveLove is... Blind. Forgiving. Forgetful. Enduring. Ever-lasting. Fradulent. Hopeful. Happy. Painful. Neurotic. Understanding. Sympathetic. Obnoxious. Co-dependant. Over-rated. Inspiring. Vain. Hurtful. Everything. Nothing.It's also over. Today, Emile and I had a masterful adventure. We explored Powell's City of books, and then we were joined by a weary Romanian traveler. Andrei Tutui. Andrei is nice, and not what everyone says he is. He is.. So much more. We briefly went into the art museum and were slightly moved by the "art". It was a tad too modern. We walked around, and found ourselves in three movie theatres. We watched part of the Da Vinci Code, and rode the max. The wrong direction at first, but then we got the idea. The rest of my memorial day weekend is somewhat of a blur... There is a movie in there, a game night, a diabetic episode, and the realization that life is worth living, but you have to live it your own way. My life is my own. Mine to mess up or live successfully. But it's mine, forever. My business is my own, it isn't Shayla's or Ginger's or Mr. Swanson's, or Ghandi's, it is mine. My problems are mine to handle, my sadness, my fear, my reservations, my joy. All of it... Is mine. People are granted to make mistakes. And choices. They are allowed to be. You never even saw beyond your own opinions. You are so free to just live without me now, and always. Is this it? The straw that breaks the camel's back? So we've lost a friendship, a love truer than any other, and confidence in most things. But then again, you weren't surprised were you? I did exactly what you thought I would do. I fell right into your expectations. Well congrats! You can finally say that you fell out of love with Val. There should be an award or something you recieve for being snide and bitter. It's true.. I make people fall, with no intention of catching them. My life will go on. It has to, unless I kill myself, in which case it won't. It will continue though, because I'm too stubborn to end it, especially not over some petty third grade argument. I already feel fine. Today was a great day. Pi Semper Infidelis, Part TwoI meant to write more last night, but my brother and James were hounding me. It's alright though, I never have anything too profound to say. I suppose I could write about my life, my area of expertise one might say, and that sounds like a good thing to me.Yesterday I woke up rushed and stressed out, half sprawled out on my floor after a night terror (you know, the horribly vivid nightmares that you're supposed to grow out of?), and with 10 minutes before I had to catch my bus. I throw clothes on and brush my teeth. I miss the first stop so I run to the third. The bus is waiting for me. I climb into my seat, and Yohan says something rude, so I snap back to tell him where he can put it, and something twinges in my neck. As it turns out, I'm having a muscle spasm from stress, in my neck, so I can't turn my head to the left. I sit through a little of second period before Ms. Coffey tells me to go to the health place to see what's up. The lady in there says I'm having a muscle spasm, and I should go home. I call Carl, and we go home, and I ice my neck for a few hours. Five o'clock rolls around, and JAmes and I drive over to Westview to get my flute. Everything is locked of course, so we find a janitor who grills us. My saving grace is Ms. Coffey. He lets us in, I grab my flute, and we high-five. We're that amazing. Corbin loves me more than anyone ever has, and I think ever will. Cole loves me in an innocent and trusting way. Andrei loves.... I can't even go there. This is my love square. Two suitors and a boyfriend. This is part of why I am stressed to the max. I used to wish and pray that people would like me... Be careful what you wish for? The other reason I'm stressed is because my grade in Chem. is falling drastically, I probably will end up with a C, if I'm lucky, I didn't get accepted in AP Lang., which made me cry onto my scantron, and I'm having trouble coping with my own mediocre intelligence. People do not understand why AP Lang. was such a huge deal to me... It's because I judge myself on the things that I am good at, by what other people think. Writing is what I used to precieve as my strongest area, and that isn't adequate. I'm not going to whine or anything, because Pueterbaugh told me to make this a "learning experience", but I'm not that good at anything else. I'm not brilliant, and I fear that my hopes will be folly. I like being around intelligent people who understand literature, and music, and funny puns and sarcasm... But with them, I feel so small. Like standing next to the ocean, wondering why they like me, or endure me. I want school to end, because then I don't have to look back and wonder what happened to me.... I don't have to be a genius, I can just relax, and take everyday one day at a time. My expectations fell through, as did the expectations of me. I will always have trouble coping with the fact that I went from being a big fish, to being plankton. Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do Oh brother I can't believe it's true I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you Oh I wanna talk to you You can take a picture of something you see In the future where will I be? You can climb a ladder up to the sun Or write a song nobody has sung Or do something that's never been done Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece? Tell me how do you feel? Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak And they're talking it to me It's easy to become down-hearted... and easy to feel like the world has turned it's back on you when you need help the most. It's not easy to give the world the middle finger and just go about your own business. Forever unFaithful Pi Semper InfidelisThe one-acts are over. Inductions are next week. Andy is graduating. Life is ever-moving at a constant and exponential rate. It is frustrating and alluring.The TRIO OF TERROR!!! I have to go laugh myself into a concussion. I have to do it, it gives me my french accent (marks?) Circonflex! Circum? Around? Crack. Croquet? I'll take you re's and fa's, you damn minstrel! Crazy. No-no-notorious. Um coldplay? Pi The One WIth All the MusicIt's around midnight, I just finished writing my Kite Runner essay. It sounds pretty good, but has little to no "flow" to it. Oh well, I'll deal.I'm cold, and my chest is slightly burnt. My legs are kinda tan, and my arms are somewhere in between. Today was my first day ever of parade practice. All in all, very awesome Some things I learned:
I also learned sort of how to turn corners. Imagine, for all 16 years, I've been doing it wrong. I'm not even sore. 3:00 PM, meet me at "the street" I really like Happiness by Elliot Smith. In fact, it's rivaled with Just Like Heaven by The Cure for Val's all-time favorite song. In fact, I love it so much, here it is: Activity's killing the actor, and a cop's standing out in the road, turning traffic away. There was nothing she could do until after, when his body'd been buried below way back in the day. Oh my, nothing else could've been done, he made his life a lie so, he might never have to know anyone, made his life the lie you know. I told him that he shouldn't upset her, and that he'd only be making it worse involving somebody else. But I knew that he'd never forget her, while her memory worked in reverse to keep her safe from herself. And oh my, nothing else could've been done, she made her life a lie so, she might never have to know anyone, made her life the lie you know. What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see, that all I want now is happiness for you and me. What I used to be to be will pass away and then you'll see, that all I want now is happiness for you and me. What I used to be to be will pass away and then you'll see, that all I want now is happiness for you and me. All I want now is happiness for you and me that sure does take me back. Ah nostalgia, my old friend. This was all for your viewing pleasure. That's exactly where I think it should be. This is where I think we should be. Destiny doesn't make mistakes. Pi UntouchablesI showered twice today.Scrubbing until my skin was red and sore, even on the tanned part. I brushed my teeth four times, three after school. I stopped when my gums bled. My skin hurts, and it's a little painful to walk, but such are the labors of love. Nervousness gone, shyness vanishing as we speak... My skin feels soft and smoothe, and it smells like sunshine and old lavender. Tomorrow is going to be amazing, I swear. You just have to trust me. Pi I pretty much sold outI've always disliked my MySpace profile.. It was also so.. generic.So, I got one of those lame, pre-made layouts with scribbled hearts that is very stereotypical and stupid looking. It did have hot pink font, but I changed the html to be green instead, so it suits me better now. Still, I sold my soul for a lame, girly profile that I hate with a passion, yet adore with all of my estrogen. I was watching a history channel show about the rise of cocaine, and realized that drug trafficing, when done correctly, is quite a lucrative business. James, Andy and I decided to make a new drug, and have it be the most successful and highly addictive, but with the least amount of bad side-effects, but still dangerous enough to be illegal. It's brilliant. We realize that snorting is ineffective and painful, and pills don't give enough of a high. Injections are the most intoxicating, but we want one that can be used under the radar, whenever and wherever. We're thinking something that can be rubbed on the skin. Or like a deorderant that seeps into open pores, into the bloodstream. Another way would be band-aid things, that you put on open cuts. But that would require open wounds first. It's still in the making, but I bet we could do it. Brett offended me today by saying that my behavior in regards to relationships is *****y, a bit whorish, and good for a lucky guy. After he said that, I thought I was going to puke up my lunch. I regarded Brett as a friend. He needs to revamp his social skills. Nothing mean about me anyone has ever said has really hurt me all that much before. I got used to the cruel remarks and jests behind my back from "friends" and peers, but this is the first time since high school started that someone besides Shayla has said something like that. Oh well. So it goes. The play I am in currently is pretty cool, I must admit. It's very short, and I only have eight lines, but that's ok. I take what I am given. Just a few more weeks and I am free to go. It is my humble view that 98% of the time, males have no idea what is going on beneath the surface... Oy. Pi Sirovy, The French MakerIn french we translated this really weird grouping of abstract stanzas that sounded like they were about me. I was very uncomfortable with it, plus is just made no sense what-so-ever."Untitled" Il aime cuisiner ses hamburgers Il n'aime pas manger mes escargots Pourquoi? Il porte mes baskets noires dans son sac a dos dos bleu et ses livres mais il ne porte pas mes livres ou sont tes livres? Pas dans son sac a dos. J'explique mon roman mais il n'ecoute pas il travaille et fait ses devoirs. Tu aimes mon jean? mon tee-shirt vert? Lui, non. J'aime son jean, ton jean son tee-shirt, ton tee-shirt vert. Qu'est-ce qu'il aime? Je ne comprends pas quand il invite ses amis et pas moi. Il compte ses CDs mais il ne les donne pas Il a ma tele, ma montre, mon sweatshirt blanc... ...et quand? Quand est-ce que je vais comprende? Il est barbant... et nul. "...and when? When will I understand? He is boring... and useless." So meloncholy and anghsty. Gag me with a spoon. Corbin is gone right now.. Away at a concert with his buds. Oh to be loved by a man I respect.. to bask in the gaze of his perfectly understandable neglect... Wow.. I am so bored these days. One-Act audtions were today after school, and I assume I did pretty well. The first part I played was possibly made for me, though Nick Brimmer's play would be awesome as well, as long as Andy got to play Captain Neato. Our chemistry is just out of this world. Other than being dutifully unimpressed... I'm going to go to homework. Ugh. Pi My Sweetums Probably Missed MeI know that my life is considerably empty now-a-days, but that's alright! I've found all sorts of illegal substances to fill my time with.Skin ended and I was depressed for a few hours. Benjamin Joseph Neal did not like me. Go figure. I hate the Kite Runner, in the way that I hate things that I love. Oedipus is an amazing play, Tyler is an amazing person. God bless for what He has done. I always go through dry writing periods.. Where I write nothing, ever. And when I do, it's horribly boring. I was re-reading my old blogs from MySpace with Corbin. Why did no one ever tell me how truly amazing I am? I mean, sweet Jesus, I should get an award or something. Cole and I are still together. And it's amazing and passionate, and I've never been happier. I truly thing he completes me in the same way that a bullet completes a homocide. That was for your benefit, you sorry bastard. My essay made it through the first round, the second round has yet to be decided. Emily is like a secret priest for me, and for Corbin. I write about Corbin more than I should, making him out to be a truly fantastic and influential person in my life, when in all actuality, he is just another boy. With funny hobbies. My health project is done, Emily's dad is an amazing person. Waking Life is still a crappy movie. AIM has gotten pretty lame. KoL is discontinuing my account. NationStates can blow itself. M. Clark had a MySpace, and my MySpace has been recieving more attention lately. I don't feel like sleeping, I feel like going for a summer jog. I wake up to the sunshine in my bedroom at 6:30, and think that it is finally summer time. Guess what, it isn't. School sucks, pretty hardcore. I can't wait for this infernal year to end. Talk about the freshman year from hell. I'll be the first to admit it. I think tonight I chose to take my sarcasm pills. I cannot say when I'll be back, but it will be eventual. Inevitable really. Pi Surviving by the Skin of my TeethIt's been eight days since my last post. Since then, my brother has turned 18 (4/19/06), Jared and Olivia have gotten together (4/20/06), my sister has turned 23 (4/23/06), we've lost a loved one (4/24/06), and we have done one full show, with audience, of Skin. It's crazy.I've thought about writing many times.. but it's difficult to find a moment to spare. For the last two nights, I've been getting home at around 9:00 PM, and finding it difficult to function. I forget to eat, practice is exhausting, and I refuse to sleep (not actually, but it's become a physical impossibility). I gave birth to a wonderful child named Braxton Mendez jr., and fell in and out of love with myself. I devised a brilliant plan to find myself, and then ended up being on the other side of the pain. I got to witness someone else losing a part of themselves to fate's cruel scheme. I fought with love and desire in Powell's, and met my soul mate at my front door. I broke hearts at school and on stage, and managed to find where I want to belong for as long as possible. So much has happened.. Life is just.. Amazing like that. And frustrating. Herrick has thought that I was in his Advanced Algebra two class this whole time. Who the hell gave him the right to teach? You weren't on AIM.. I thought I had done something. Cole: If you mess up I'll run on stage naked and everybody will completely forget about the play It's a lovely gesture, but nudity is a reserved right. Val is not a goddess.. but close. I wonder if you know I watch for you, and when I see you, I can't stop smiling. Don't be afraid. You can never change what has been and gone. Don't be afraid. Time heals and you will grow. Life will continue without us, as it continues always. Grasp and embrace the changes you go through. Pi |
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