I Have a Tendency to Make Myself Laugh

A Lighter Post Then The Latter Have Been...

I've been a little stressed out lately and a lot of my posts have been serious. And though I could go for days on topics of my life that are a bit more intense/down or just plain dramatic. I decided that we all need a break from the negative things of this world. And sometimes you just need to laugh!

There was a blonde driving down the highway in her brand new jaguar behind a semi truck. She cut him off and the driver got back so he signaled for her to pull over. So she did. He gets out of the truck, takes a piece of chalk out from his pocket and draws a circle on the ground. He tells the blonde to stand inside the circle and not to step out until he says so. The blonde does what he said and the driver goes to his truck grabs a pocket knife and starts ripping up her leather interior. He looks at the blonde and notices she is smiling. The driver is a little confused so he goes back to his truck grabs a gun and blows up her tires. Looks back at the blonde and sees she's giggling. By now the driver is getting angry so once again he goes back to his truck grabs an even bigger knife and totally ruins the outside of her car. For the last time he looks at the blonde and sees she is laughing her head off. So he goes over to the blonde and asks why she's laughing. This is what she said: well every time you turned away I stepped out of the circle.

"I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high”

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, " ..let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play. This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
The Jap shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A little bit
bemused Stevie does a 3-minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies {in your best Japanese accent} "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him. "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before... But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

I hope at least one of those jokes made you laugh... I know I needed them today! I love ya'll! Linz

Untitled Comment

3:14 PM, Sep. 23, 2005 .. Posted by passion4pink

Thanx for the jokes.

Blond jokes

3:06 PM, Sep. 24, 2005 .. Posted by Ryan

A blond and a brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond had to stop and ask for directions.

Three astronauts, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead crash land on an alien planet. While exploring the planet they find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells each of them that if they can tell a lie, they will be magically transported back to earth. The brunette goes first and says "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world," and poof, she vanishes. Then the brunette steps forward and says "I think I'm the ugliest girl in the world," and poof, she's gone. So the blond steps forward with an excellent lie prepared. She opens her mouth and says "I think..." and poof, she disappears before she can finish her sentence.